


Sands of Time

by starofjems



Series: Learning to Fly [6]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Gen, Memoirs, POV Original Character, POV Toph Beifong, POV Yangchen (Avatar), POV Zuko (Avatar), Sandbenders, Si Wong Desert, Spirit Hijinks, Worldbuilding, Zuko Takes Himself on a Life-Changing Field Trip, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:28:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 64,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26615224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starofjems/pseuds/starofjems
Summary: "The towering owl spirit craned its neck until its face was level with Zuko's. It tilted its head at an unerring angle as it spoke."However, what you have hidden in your belongings may be sufficient payment for your entry."Zuko hugged his bag to his chest and fought back his rising panic. He wouldn't give up his egg for anything. But... what if this was his only chance at finding a solid lead for the Avatar?"Zuko's quest brings him to the Si Wong desert. He'll discover plenty about the Avatar, but not the one he's searching for.
Relationships: Toph Beifong & Zuko, Yangchen (Avatar)/Original Female Character(s), Zuko & Original Character(s), Zuko & Yangchen (Avatar)
Series: Learning to Fly [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791460
Comments: 385
Kudos: 569





	1. Promises and Deals

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops sure did take a month instead of two weeks to get this out. But here it is! Toph and desert shenanigans begin!
> 
> 12/2/2020 edit: Fic is complete and on an update schedule of every two weeks! <3

_Memoirs of Avatar Yangchen_  
  
_Preface_  
  
_If you have come across this book on your own, you may be doubtful of its validity. Perhaps you still feel doubt even if this was given to you by the one I entrusted it to. It's okay, I understand your doubts. I feel them myself as I am writing to you._  
  
_To collect these stories of my life and to preserve them for future generations to read feels like a betrayal of the beliefs I was raised on, as Air Nomads celebrate letting go of our attachments to the world. I wrote these memories not long after losing two people dear to me: my earthbending master and beloved friend, Huizhong, a woman of strong convictions and polarizing opinions to my own who challenged my worldview and helped shape me as the Avatar; and my closest, oldest friend, my firebending master, and my partner in all things, Akari, the kind, passionate princess of the Fire Nation who helped me become the person I am today._  
  
_Nothing has challenged me more than overcoming the grief of losing Huizhong and Akari._ Letting them go _felt impossible. I felt like a fraud of an Air Nomad; clinging to my sorrow, to the past, to my loss. So I put my memories and my feelings to paper to honor the memory of Huizhong and Akari. I had the intention of burning every last word as my final goodbye, but Tarkik stayed my hand. Letting go of one's attachments does not mean removing them from your life. These written accounts exist, but I will never return to them to dwell on what was or on what could have been. I will keep moving forward and remember my lost ones with love in my heart._  
  
_Teachings of my upbringing would say the mere existence of these records means I am still too attached, that these physical manifestations of my memories will drag my spirit back to the ground and out of the freedom of the sky. Tarkik reminded me of a philosophical debate I often had with Huizhong. As our elements are opposing, so were our beliefs. Huizhong relentlessly questioned the Air Nomads' quest for living above the ground. She took offense, actually, to how the pinnacle of our teachings was to achieve weightlessness and live untethered from the earth as Guru Laghima had. Air is an element of freedom, but earth is an element of connection. As we let go of our attachments to things in our life, we should never sever those connections. It is our connections to the world, to the people around us that creates life itself._  
  
_So I have compiled my writings to share these connections. Huizhong and Akari are gone, but the bonds they made with me and others will always remain. Through these tales I hope you, perhaps a descendant of one of my friends or maybe a future incarnation of myself, can find a connection to the past to help push you forward in your future._  
  
_-Avatar Yangchen_

Someone didn't belong.  
  
New people were constantly discovering open nights at the Rumble Arena, so Toph not recognizing this person drew her attention but wasn't what instantly set them apart. No, what singled them out amongst the crowd was how _no one_ recognized them.   
  
Gaoling was a big city, but not enormous, and the Earth Rumble was still new enough that word had not left the city. Anyone new that showed up either came with a friend, or was at least familiar with some of the others. On the rare chance someone didn't know anyone present, they were quick to mention who told them about the Rumble and to show off their earthbending.  
  
The stranger did none of the above. They actively avoided everyone else, never staying in one spot long enough for someone to notice them watching and not participating. From the way they moved, Toph suspected they were not an earthbender. She was still gathering her data pool, but so far her observations had yet to fail her. Earthbenders, no matter how little training they had, had a solidness to their step nonbenders never possessed.   
  
However, this person did not move like the servants back at home either, nor like the nonbending audience members of Rumble fights. Perhaps the best comparison would be to the guards that patrolled the Beifong estate, but even then there was something about this stranger that struck Toph as different from anyone else she had ever observed.   
  
Their stance was solid, like an earthbender, but equally fluid. They moved in a balanced, restrained way that suggested they could jump into action at any moment. Perhaps they were a more experienced fighter than the estate guards. It was a logical assumption, but something about it felt wrong. Toph simply did not have enough exposure to combative nonbenders outside of her guards to make an accurate assessment of this newcomer.   
  
"--go talk to him!"  
  
A group of teenage girls giggled near Toph, and their loud gossiping drew the attention of surrounding teenage boys trying to show off their skills. Age was something Toph was still learning to pinpoint through her earthbending, but it was all too easy to figure out once someone started speaking. The majority that frequented open nights were young adults and teenagers looking for a space to hang out with their friends and potentially brush elbows with Earth Rumble benders. Those more intent on sparring still spent a good portion of the night socializing.  
  
Which was the exact reason Toph came to open nights. She wasn't about to waste her time fighting these amateurs, but there was nowhere better to practice understanding people through her bending. Everyone back at home regulated their emotions in some form or another. Even when she spied on the servants in their living quarters, there was always some level of restraint to their behavior. Teenagers hanging out were the perfect subjects for Toph to balance what she heard with what she felt.  
  
What she felt now was the jittery pulse of excitement and nerves that often equated to finding someone else attractive. Gross. Toph may learn more in a single night hanging around teenagers than she did after months of spying on the Beifong staff, but it came at the cost of stupid teenage romance and drama. She knew way more about Gaoling's teenage social circles than she wanted.  
  
One of the girls, whom Toph recognized mostly from her nasally voice and thus named Nasal, shrieked as her friends pushed her away from the group. Toph had every intention of ignoring the girls' antics, but Nasal headed straight for the outsider. Her heartbeat increased, but there was a bounce to her step that made her nerves not born of fear.   
  
Of course! No wonder the stranger felt so out of place to Toph. From how he moved, she had been picturing someone like one of her guards skulking about. If Nasal and her friends were twittering about him, he must be young enough for them to be interested. Which meant to everyone else, he didn't appear suspicious.   
  
Toph followed close enough to Nasal that she could hear the exchange with Pretty Boy. He didn't move to acknowledge her till she greeted him, but Toph could tell from the uptick of his heartbeat he had seen Nasal approaching him the second she left her group.   
  
"Hi! Are you new to town? Me and my friends noticed you haven't been talking to anyone all night! How'd you hear about the Rumble?"   
  
Pretty Boy's heart skipped when Nasal said she'd noticed him, but his stance remained solid and Nasal didn't seem to pick up on his anxiety.   
  
"I'm just passing through on some business with my uncle," he said in a very raspy, but surprisingly young voice. "I heard some people talking about this place and... Was curious about earthbending in Gaoling."  
  
Nasal giggled despite there being nothing amusing about Pretty Boy's answer. She was laying it on thick tonight, leaning in closer to Pretty Boy's space. "Wow, do you travel a lot for your uncle's business?"  
  
Rather than the usual nervous, but excited response boys had when Nasal or her friends flirted with them, this boy felt like he was about to run away. Toph stifled a snicker as Pretty Boy took a whole step away from Nasal with a shrug.  
  
"Yeah, kinda, I guess."  
  
"Wow, that's so cool. I've never been outside Gaoling. Daddy says it's too dangerous, but the war isn't anywhere in this area!" Either Nasal was completely missing Pretty Boy's disinterest, or she was confident in her ability to change his mind. "But if you travel a lot, you've probably gotten into tough spots, huh? Is that how you got- you know?"  
  
Whatever Nasal was referencing, it shut Pretty Boy down in an instant. He went deathly still as his heart took off in a surge of emotion. His expression had to be something grim from the way Nasal gasped and stepped back.   
  
"S-sorry, that was insensitive- I shouldn't have asked-" Although Pretty Boy didn't move enough for Toph to sense it, his face must have changed again to make Nasal apologize a final time and run back to her friends. She was none too quiet as she collapsed into a friend's arms and wailed, "I'm so stupid!"  
  
Pretty Boy leaned against the wall with a heavy sigh. The tension in his body relaxed slightly, but his pulse still raced at a concerning rate. It didn't feel like anger, so Toph didn't understand just what he did to make Nasal retreat so quickly... She was curious.  
  
Unlike Nasal, Toph knew how to move unseen. She had the added advantage of Pretty Boy not paying attention to his surroundings as he composed himself. Maybe it wasn't the nicest thing to sneak up on the guy while he was trying to calm down, but Toph was too amused to feel guilty.  
  
"What's the 'you know' you got that was insensitive to ask about?" Toph asked, dropping her weight against the wall next to Pretty Boy. She had managed to startle him, but he was so quick to subdue his reaction, Toph doubted anyone without her earthbending sense would have noticed the subtle way he tensed and his heart skipped.   
  
"Excuse me?" Only his disbelief was audible. Pretty Boy was good at masking his emotions, because Toph's trained ears couldn't pick up a trace of panic in his voice, despite how loudly his body exhibited it.   
  
Toph pushed the hood of her cloak back and tilted her head to where Pretty Boy's voice came from. Her Blind Bandit grin was still a work in progress. It made the servants extremely nervous, so she couldn't test it out on them too often. So far it worked about half the time to unsettle her opponents. Pretty Boy was the perfect test subject as she bared her teeth in a wide smile and blinked up at him.   
  
"Oh- Shit- I mean- Sorry- I-" Pretty Boy stumbled through his words, but out of fear he offended rather than from Toph intimidating him. Her grin needed more work. "Um- Aren't you a bit young to be here?"  
  
"Please, I could kick everyone's butt here without breaking a sweat."  
  
"Right..." His heartbeat slowed as his body shifted toward the earthbenders who were using the open night as intended and sparring. Pretty Boy was writing her off as a dumb kid talking big.   
  
That wouldn't do.   
  
"Unlike these losers, I'm actually a fighter in the tournaments. I'm working my way up to qualify for the Earth Rumble. Might have heard some of them talking about me. I'm the Blind Bandit."  
  
Pretty Boy turned back toward her, arms crossed and heart remaining steady. He might not have recognized her name, but she caught his interest.   
  
"The Blind Bandit? I get the blind part, but what exactly are you bandit of?"  
  
Toph cackled. "I'm robbing victory right out from under my opponents' noses, duh!"  
  
Her bold declaration startled a laugh out of Pretty Boy, but even that show of emotion was quickly smothered. It was almost like the way servants acted around Toph and her parents, but without the underlying fear. Servants had to act a certain way or else her parents got mad. Toph couldn't think of any reason why Pretty Boy would have to be so stoic in an underground earthbending arena.   
  
"Are you really that good?"  
  
Toph scrunched her nose as she tilted her head back, standing as tall as she could. She actually wasn't that much shorter than Pretty Boy, which said more about him than it did her. Jeez, how old was he to be judging her age? Well, regardless, she was about to educate him.  
  
"You told Nasal you were curious about Gaoling earthbending, right? Well you're not going to learn anything from these amateurs. Come on Pretty Boy, I'll give you something worth watching."  
  
With a stomp, Toph opened a shortcut out of the arena from where they stood. Pretty Boy's heart jumped at the sudden earthbending, then he shrugged and followed her into the tunnel.  
  
"Wait, pretty boy?"

_ Meeting Akari _  
  
_Discovering I was the Avatar was not the first pivotal moment in my life. Being the Avatar was inevitable, a fixed point in my life that would happen regardless of my choices or the choices of those around me. Being the Avatar was the path my life took the moment I was born._  
  
_In my sorrow of losing Akari, I can't help but wonder where my life would have taken me had we never met. Perhaps she was as fixed a point as being the Avatar. Perhaps our meeting and subsequent friendship was at the behest of the spirits. There is no way of knowing for sure, but I can never imagine someone like Akari as a point locked in time. She may have been a daughter of Agni, but I have never known a freer spirit than hers._  
  
_I was eight when Akari whirled into my life with tales of spirit dreams and ancient civilizations. She appeared at the Air Temple one day, seven years of age without a guardian or parent in sight, asking the nuns for someone to guide her through the mountains on our island. The nuns tried to have her return with an adult, or when she was older, but Akari set up vigil at the canyon side and prepared to wait till someone helped her._  
  
_That someone was me._  
  
_Gossip travels quickly in the wind, and I was bursting with curiosity. I took my sky bison, Shosha, to see the strange visitor for myself. With her fine, red robes and golden eyes that rivaled the sun, Akari was unlike anyone I had ever met. She told me of her dreams, of a people lost to history that lived by ways of fire and air, with wingless dragons that soared with the breeze._  
  
_It sounded so fanciful, it could only be true._  
  
_Over the following days, Akari and I scoured the mountains for evidence of her ancient ancestors. As we explored, we shared stories of our lives and our cultures, both of us enamored by the vast differences between us. I remember being a cheeky thing when the nuns tried to persuade me to stop going out day after day with Akari and to return to my studies. "I'm learning more about the Fire Nation from Akari than I'd ever learn from a book!" I proudly declared with the infinite wisdom of a child._  
  
_Who knows how long our adventures through the mountains would have continued if the earthquake never happened._  
  
_Shosha was still a young sky bison and while she could carry us across the island, Akari and I had to explore on foot as Shosha rested. It was on the fourth or fifth day of our quest that the ground came to life beneath us. It shook so violently and abruptly that I was unable to airbend us out of danger. Looking back, I doubt I would have been able to get us out of trouble even if I had more warning, young and inexperienced as I was._  
  
_In the chaos of the earthquake, we fell into a crevice and I lost consciousness. It seemed I had hit my head, but the extent of the damage I sustained I do not know. In her panic to revive me, Akari performed a feat of firebending that confounded the nuns._  
  
_When I woke, it was as if I had never been injured. Akari, however, was pale and about to collapse despite receiving no injury from our fall. With a surprising vigor, I freed us from the crevice and called Shosha to rush us back to the temple. The healers looked over us and declared me the picture of health. They were worried about Akari, but could not understand her weariness._  
  
_Akari herself could not explain what she had done, she only remembered feeling scared and desperate, sure that my life was hanging on a thread. In the Fire Nation they are taught that every living creature has an inner flame that gives them life. Thus, Akari claimed she thought of trying to give my inner flame strength to burn brighter, so I would be okay. The healers were hesitant to support Akari's claim, but could not deny that there were traces of Akari's essence in my aura._  
  
_No one knew what Akari did or could recall legends of such an ability. The nuns warned Akari she should never try to do such a thing again, for next time she might experience more than physical exhaustion. Her very soul could fracture. Akari was reluctant to make that promise. What if trying it again could stop someone from dying?_  
  
_I was terrified for my new friend's well being and made her swear to never try again, no matter the circumstances. Akari agreed then, despite how much she didn't want. Before the discussion could go any further, it was interrupted by a young airbender rushing in with word of the Fire Lord's arrival and request for his daughter to return home with him._  
  
_In the uproar of discovering the Air Temple had been unknowingly hosting the Crown Princess of the Fire Nation, the topic of nurturing inner flames and fractured souls was quickly laid aside. It remained forgotten for years to come, even as my friendship with Akari would only continue to grow._

Swords, check. Egg nestled in a blanket in his bag, check. Note for Uncle on the table, check.   
  
Zuko shouldered his bag and slid the door to the inn room open. Standing on the other side, hand outstretched to let himself in, stood Uncle. His eyes widened comically, then almost disappeared in the wrinkles of his face as he smiled.   
  
"Going out again tonight, Nephew?"  
  
It wasn't like Zuko was trying to sneak out. Uncle had been out all evening playing pai sho with other old men in some tea shop down the street. There was no knowing how long he would play. And Zuko left a note! Clearly, this wasn't an attempt to be sneaky.  
  
But it still would have been nice to leave without Uncle teasing him.  
  
"If your friend is as rough with you as she was last night, I should go back out to buy some bruise cream."  
  
"It's fine, Uncle." Zuko groaned, willing the heat in his cheek away. It was bad enough Bandit completely walloped him when he took her up on her offer to spar, but then sharing a room with Uncle meant there had been no hiding the evidence of his defeat. "I'll be back later. Don't wait up for me."  
  
Uncle laughed, stepping aside so Zuko could pass. "Well, have fun, be safe, and don't stay out too late. I may have found out where our elusive sandbenders have been staying."  
  
"What? Why didn't you lead with that?" Zuko did not pass. Instead, he turned on his heels to head back in the room to change. "Bandit can wait. Let's go talk to the sandbenders and-"  
  
A soft hand on his shoulder brought Zuko to a halt. He allowed Uncle to turn him around and frowned at the gentle smile directed toward him.   
  
"Go have fun with your friend tonight. We can talk to the sandbenders tomorrow-" Uncle raised a brow and Zuko bit back his protest. "We have to wait till the morning because if the information I heard was correct, they're staying with a wealthy noble family. I doubt the Beifongs will appreciate us making a house call so late in the evening."  
  
Zuko scowled. Waiting until morning made his stomach twist and his chest feel too tight. What if the sandbenders left before morning, and they missed them? Based on Professor Zei's knowledge, Zuko and Uncle had arrived at Gaoling half a week earlier than the sandbenders were supposed to. After days of getting nowhere, Zuko had heard whispers of the underground earthbending ring. He didn't find any indication of the sandbenders, but he had met the Blind Bandit.  
  
No one was ever allowed to know, but Zuko had briefly entertained the idea that the Blind Bandit could be the Avatar. She was the kind of prodigy that made Azula look ordinary. Her youth aside, the girl was so in tune with her element she used it in place of her eyes. That level of aptitude was completely plausible for an Avatar, right?  
  
But then Zuko met up with Bandit the following night to spar and quickly realized this girl was an earthbender to her core. On the off chance the Blind Bandit was the Avatar, she would be awful at it. The Avatar was all about the balance of elements, after all, and there was no way Bandit would ever be balanced. He had never met anyone that embodied their element so wholly.   
  
Regardless of Bandit definitely not being a valid candidate for the Avatar, Zuko still had a lot to learn from her. She was as good an earthbender as she said she was. Eventually, Zuko would have to face the Avatar, which meant knowing how to fight against all the elements. Sparring with Bandit wasn't helping Zuko find the sandbenders, but it would help him in the long run. She seemed to enjoy whalloping him, so when she offered a round two Zuko had been quick to accept.  
  
Now, however, Zuko couldn't care less about the distant future. Preparing for fighting an earthbender paled in comparison to his current goal. The sandbenders were so close, and yet he still had to wait?   
  
" _Fine_ ," Zuko spat. He brushed off Uncle's hand and stomped out the room. "I won't be out long. At least long enough to hit something."  
  
"Good luck with that!" Uncle called after him.   
  
Stupid sandbenders staying at a stupid estate. Oh yes, Zuko had heard plenty about the Beifongs while information hunting. They practically owned the entirety of Gaoling. How had no one been aware they were hosting sandbenders? The logical part of Zuko argued that it was completely reasonable for the sandbenders to never need to leave the Beifong estate, thus it made sense no one knew they were in town. The childish part of Zuko was infuriated.   
  
Unfortunately for him, his temper did not calm in the time it took to reach Bandit's personal training area outside of the city near the mountains. So as soon as he got close, Bandit's uncanny earthbending sense—which she had gleefully explained to him when he expressed his impressed curiosity—picked up on his elevated heartbeat, stiff muscles, or whatever other physical signs of his irritation that she could feel.   
  
"What got your panties in a bunch, Pretty Boy?" She asked in greeting.   
  
From her wide grin, Zuko knew she was purposefully trying to rile him up more. He hated how easily she read him. He hated even more that she knew how much he hated it.  
  
"It doesn't matter," Zuko said as he looked for a safe spot for his bag.   
  
Taking his egg everywhere with him made him nervous beyond belief, but it was better than leaving it behind at the inn where anyone could break in and steal it. It technically would be safer back at the room with Uncle instead of with him as he fought a chaotic master earthbender, but he didn't want to risk Uncle finding it. Even though everyone treated Bun Ma's question about his dragon egg as a joke, Zuko was not about to put his guard down on the chance someone thought there was some validity to her claim.  
  
Bandit sat shamelessly sprawled out in an alcove dug into the steep rocky side of the mountain. She had one leg propped up on the other to pick at the dirt between her toes. Her unseeing gaze was seemingly focused on her task, but Zuko had picked up on her tricks. For all that she appeared oblivious to the world around her, Bandit was more aware than any seeing person.   
  
"Sure it doesn't, that's why you're wound up tighter than a porcudillo," Bandit said. She dropped her foot to the ground, and the earth underneath Zuko encased his feet to the ankle. Zuko's reflexes weren't fast enough to escape the surprise attack, but he at least was able to catch himself from falling awkwardly. Bandit cackled as she approached. "If you're glaring at me, I can't see it, Pretty Boy."  
  
"Well clearly you can feel me glaring anyways, so I'd say it's still effective," Zuko grumbled.  
  
"Feel facial expressions? How'd you get a crazy idea like that in your head?" Bandit threw her head back as she laughed. "But if you're offering, you could shove your face in the ground, and then maybe I could feel you glaring!"  
  
"No, thank you."  
  
"Baby."  
  
A heavy fist against his arm caught Zuko off guard in a way no one but Bandit could achieve. She didn't project her intentions the same way seeing people did, and two nights interacting with her was not enough for Zuko to figure her out. As he rubbed his arm with a scowl, Bandit took advantage of his distraction to snatch his bag off his shoulder.  
  
Zuko yelped and tried to grab it back. In his scramble, he lost his balance, as his feet were still trapped in the ground. He barely had time to worry about the state of his ankles before the earth opened as he fell, then swallowed the entirety of his lower leg.   
  
"Bandit!" Zuko hollered, struggling fruitlessly against the hard rock. "Give that back now!"  
  
"Nah, I'm curious what you're so protective of that you'd lug it around three nights in a row."  
  
There was nothing Zuko could do as Bandit shoved her hand into his bag. He could keep shouting at her, but maybe if he played it cool she wouldn't give too much thought to his egg.   
  
"It feels like it should be a big rock with how heavy it is, but I can't move it, so I know it's not," Bandit rambled, pulling the bundle out and letting the bag drop. Zuko winced and held back a warning for her to be careful. "What the heck, Pretty Boy?"  
  
She groped the blanket with furrowed brows, then found an opening in the folds. Zuko saw the moment she touched the egg, because her eyes widened in surprise, and she quickly freed it from the blanket to run her hands along it.   
  
"It's warm," Bandit said, turning to Zuko with her brow furrowed once more. "There's something alive in there! I can feel a small heartbeat- Is this an egg?!"  
  
"Yes, now be careful with it and let me go," Zuko said, trying his best to sound calm. It was probably pointless because Bandit surely felt his rapid pulse. Nerves played a large part in that, but the words 'small heartbeat' ran through his mind on repeat and made his heart swell. His (maybe) dragon was alive. He _wasn't_ hopelessly hanging on to a lump of rock.  
  
Unsurprisingly, Bandit ignored him and continued to turn his egg around in her hands. "What the heck kind of egg is this? It's pretty big. Ostrich horse?"  
  
"Yeah, how'd you know? Can you please let me go now?"  
  
Bandit hummed and dropped to the ground. Zuko felt his heart jump into his throat, but she kept a secure hold of his egg. "Not an ostrich horse then. Are eelhound eggs this big?"  
  
"For spirits' sake, Bandit! Let me go and give me my egg back!"  
  
"Platypus bear egg? They're surely this big... No that's not it either."  
  
Zuko groaned and rested his forehead against the ground. "Stop reading my heartbeat and being a brat. I don't know for sure what kind of egg it is and it doesn't matter. Let's just spar already."  
  
"Huh, you actually mean that."   
  
The ground released Zuko as Bandit shrugged and held his egg up. Zuko quickly snatched it away from her and wrapped it securely in the blanket once more. Bandit smacked her fist down and a new alcove formed in the cliffside.   
  
"Go keep it safe there. Let's quit wasting time so I can kick your ass."  
  
Really, Zuko should have known better than to voice his complaint that Bandit was the one wasting their time to begin with. Many new bruises later, Zuko lay sprawled out on the ground as he caught his breath. For a literal child, Bandit was ruthless. Not even Azula ran Zuko ragged like this, yet somehow Bandit was still nicer than his sister while completely destroying him.   
  
"So, what had you in such a hissy fit when you first got here?" Bandit asked, sprawled out next to him not out of exhaustion, but because she could. That was one of the first things Zuko realized about the girl. She did whatever she wanted, when she wanted, and he was just along for the ride while in her company.  
  
He could try ignoring her question, but since she asked again, Bandit was actually curious. Zuko liked having his limbs free. So, he acquiesced with a heavy sigh.  
  
"My Uncle finally caught word of the people we've been looking for. But it was too late to go find them, so we have to wait until morning. But what if today is their last day on Gaoling? What if we show up at the Beifong estate just to find out they already left?"  
  
Bandit pushed herself up on her elbows. "What? The people you've been looking for are at the estate? You said you're some kind of mega-nerd! Who could you possibly need from the Beifongs?"  
  
They had spoken a bit over the past couple of days about Zuko's travels. Bandit came off as a pretty sheltered kid, so Zuko had no problem entertaining her questions. He shared about the Air Islands, as well as the lost city Professor Zei was researching. The exact reasons as to why Zuko was in Gaoling hadn't come up between Bandit showing off her earthbending prowess and beating Zuko up.  
  
"I'm searching for a spirit library in the Si Wong desert. That professor I mentioned pointed me in the direction of sandbenders that would be doing business in Gaoling around now. Apparently that business has been solely with the Beifong family, so no one knew the sandbenders were even in town!"  
  
"A library? Really? Spirits, you really are a mega-nerd." Bandit huffed. The ground pushed her upright and on her feet. "Alright, since you've been a good sport about letting me pummel you, I'll make you a deal to get you to these sandbenders tonight."  
  
Zuko sat up so fast his vision filled with dark spots. "What? How? Why?"   
  
"Calm down, Pretty Boy. Deal is, you keep quiet about how I get you to the sandbenders, and then you're going to come back to Gaoling once you find your stupid library. You're going to tell me all about the crazy, stupid shit you did in the desert. I better get to hear about you almost dying at least once! I suggest you take this offer because I have insider knowledge that the sandbenders are leaving in the morning before sunrise."  
  
If Zuko didn't suspect Bandit was a lonely kid, he would have found her offer extremely suspicious. He saw too much of himself from when he was her age, and he'd been lonely enough with a sister and her friends. Given the choice of being alone or dealing with Azula's mean streak, Zuko would pick Azula without a second thought. After spending the past couple of nights in her company, it wasn't hard to surmise that Bandit was desperate for a life outside her small, solitary world. It was no burden on Zuko to accept an offer that let Bandit live vicariously through him.   
  
Zuko stood and held his hand out to shake on it.  
  
His hand hovered in the air between them.  
  
Bandit tilted her head back so her bangs fell away from her glassy eyes. "If you're doing some nonverbal agreement thing, I literally have no idea."  
  
"Shit- I- Sorry!" Zuko dropped his hand to his side. Even if Bandit couldn't see his blush, she definitely felt the embarrassed rush of his pulse. "Yes. I accept your terms. But how in the world are you going to get me into the Beifong estate in the middle of the night?"  
  
A toothy grin spread across Bandit's face. "Well, you see, it may come as a surprise that the Blind Bandit isn't my actual name..."

_Discovering the Avatar_   
  
_As Akari and I grew older, we only grew closer. We exchanged countless letters after her father dragged her back home to the Fire Nation. Akari returned to the Air Temple, without her father's knowledge, more times than I could count. It didn't take long till the Fire Lord extended an open invitation for me to visit the Royal Palace whenever I pleased, in hope that it would dissuade his daughter from her vanishing acts. Unfortunately for Fire Lord Shaohao, me visiting Akari did little to stop her from dragging us into any passing whim that crossed her mind._  
  
_I wonder, looking back, if the nuns would have given me so much freedom to see Akari and venture forth into the world without supervision had I not been the Avatar. Regardless, they still expressed concern for me and claimed that Akari was a bad influence. The elders only saw Akari's reckless and unrestrained behavior. To an outsider, it was easy to view her as a spoiled, selfish princess._  
  
_Such an assessment of Akari's character couldn't be more wrong._  
  
_For every wild scheme or escapade Akari dragged me along for, there was always an underlying motivation to do good. Akari selflessly loved everyone and everything. She took her role as the Crown Princess to mean she should personally care for her land and her people. I imagine Fire Lord Shaohao experienced much stress with his young heir frequently sneaking out of the palace without protection to mingle with commonfolk across the nation._  
  
_Akari had a talent for befriending anything that breathed though, so her father did not have to fear too horribly for her well being. From wild dragons to shady criminals, Akari's sincere kindness and devotion to spreading it quickly won others to her side. It was due to her friendship with a clan of wild dragons that, at age fifteen, I found myself on a small dragon nesting island in the Mo Ce Sea fighting off dragon poachers._  
  
_My willingness to fight was something that ostracized me from other airbenders. I never raised my winds in anger or with the intent to hurt, only ever to defend and protect, but to my peers any form of combat was viewed as going against our pacifist teachings. I struggled with such thoughts as well, and that the elders didn't try to dissuade me from the path I was taking only caused me more uncertainty and confusion._  
  
_I found a clarity that day on the nesting island when one of the poachers turned a catapult on his ship toward Akari. At that moment, I wished I could prevent him from firing rather than redirecting the projectile with my airbending. The ship was too far to stop him in time. I reached out instinctively and instead of calling to my winds, I summoned the waves from the sea to push the poacher overboard._  
  
_There was no time to dwell on the reality of my actions until the situation was resolved._  
  
_We had rushed ahead to assist the dragons, but Akari had ordered a Fire Nation ship to follow after her to arrest the poachers. Once we overpowered and restrained them, we locked the poachers in their own boat for the pick-up. There was no time to acknowledge my waterbending feat when there were dozens of scared and abused animals to help._  
  
_I had begun to doubt it as a figment of imagination until later that night. Sitting at our campfire, with two timid winged lemurs who would soon become my companions taking solace in our arms, Akari asked if she imagined things or if I had really waterbended during the fight._  
  
_After much teenage excitement and experimenting, we came to the conclusion I was the Avatar. Akari, correctly, guessed the elder nuns at the temple had known all along, which was why they were so lax in regard to me venturing the Fire Nation with her and learning combative airbending. Despite the actions of my predecessor, Avatar Szeto, the Avatar shouldn't belong to one group of people and had to be capable of defending the entire world from threats._  
  
_My first thought was to tell the elders I had discovered I was the Avatar, especially on the slim chance they didn't know already. Akari argued I should keep it a secret for now. After all, I had yet to master airbending, so what did it matter if I was the Avatar? Mischief also played a role in her reasoning, for "wouldn't it be funny if you were completely unbothered when they try to be all official in telling you about being the Avatar?"_  
  
_Akari convinced me with her final justification: the longer I waited in acknowledging my status as the Avatar, the more time Akari had to master firebending so she could be my teacher when the time came._  
  
_I had not begun to think far enough about my future instruction of the other elements, but Akari's words opened my mind to the possibilities. Exploring the Fire Nation with Akari was fun, but once I mastered air, I would venture to other parts of the world to learn water and earth. We made a pact that night that we would devote ourselves to our bending masteries. I was close to earning my tattoos, so the beginning of my journey to master the elements was within our sights. Akari promised she would be a master firebender by the time I finished my waterbending training. If she was too slow, or I was too fast, I promised to take my time with earth until Akari could be my teacher. Returning to the Fire Nation to learn firebending from Akari felt right as the conclusion to mastering the elements._  
  
_(Somehow part of our agreement included Akari naming the flying lemurs, which is how Pik and Pak came to have their names.)_

With the kids settled for the night, Sha-Mo treated himself to one last drink before retiring as well. It still felt surreal that they would be leaving in the morning with a contract from the Beifong family. For years, ever since Sha-Mo had assumed leadership of the tribe, he had been trying to secure a trade deal with the Beifongs. Despite what the rest of the Earth Kingdom thought, the Si Wong tribes were not a lawless, uncivilized people. Sha-Mo grew up trading and transporting goods across the desert, as had a long line of his ancestors   
  
Traveling the desert was arduous for the typical caravan, but sandbenders could traverse the Si Wong in a matter of days. Employing Sha-Mo's services was exponentially cheaper than sending goods by boat, and there was no risk of the Fire Nation intercepting the shipment. Sha-Mo knew it. The other tribes knew it. Individual farmers and tradesmen knew it. The wealthy merchants in control of trade routes likely knew it as well but were blinded by their prejudice.  
  
While Sha-Mo never would have wished for a new, more ruthless Fire Lord to ascend to the throne, he was not about to deny that Ozai's tactics worked in his favor. Azulon had been the furthest from merciful, but his conquest had been slow and steady. In comparison, Ozai seemed to be racing toward the goal of ending the war, no matter the cost.  
  
Last year, a small merchant family had had enough of risking their wares and contracted Sha-Mo's tribe to transport their goods. With no losses and an unparalleled speed for the deliveries, the family boasted to their competitors enough that the Beifongs caught wind of their success and reached out to Sha-Mo.  
  
Lao Beifong wasn't the worst kind of wealthy elite Sha-Mo had ever interacted with, but his thinly veiled condescension was exhausting. After what felt like an eternity of going back and forth on their agreement, Sha-Mo hardly had the energy to celebrate now that things were finalized. Ghashiun and Sarnai had wanted to go out after the Beifong's dinner, but Sha-Mo managed to convince them to turn in early in preparation for their travels in the morning. No doubt the tribe would treat them all to a raucous celebration when they returned home.  
  
A soft knock at the door to their suite pulled Sha-Mo out of his musings. Dread trickled down his spine as he went to answer his late-night caller. Surely Lao wouldn't back out of their deal at the last second. Perhaps it was merely a servant double checking everything was set for Sha-Mo to leave at sunrise.  
  
Two children awaited him in the hall. The youth of his visitors would have been surprise enough, but a scar marred half of the boy's face and the finely dressed girl seemed to be completely blind. It was hard to judge the boy's age with the scar twisting his face, but he was likely Sarnai's age or younger, tragically too youthful to have suffered such a grievous injury. The girl, however, was clearly young. Sha-Mo would be surprised were she older than ten. Seeing the pair together would have been odd enough on the street, but it was downright baffling in the middle of the night at the Beifong estate.  
  
"Can I help you?" Sha-Mo asked, looking from the boy to the girl, then back to the boy. Perhaps the girl was the daughter of a visiting noble, and the boy her servant.  
  
"Why, yes, you can!" The girl exclaimed with a wide, unsettling smile. She thrust her hand toward Sha-Mo, holding what appeared to be a blank piece of paper. "I'd like to make a deal of my own with you, provided you can keep it from my father."  
  
Was he supposed to know who her father was? Sha-Mo squinted at the paper, wondering what he was looking at. The boy scrambled forward and turned the paper around, revealing the flying boar seal of the Beifong family.  
  
"I wasn't aware the Beifongs had children," Sha-Mo said as he leaned closed to inspect the seal. It didn't appear to be fake, and besides, how else would these children have gotten into the estate unless Lao Beifong truly was their father.   
  
The girl laughed and punched her companion's shoulder. "Ha! Imagine if you were my brother, Pretty Boy. The Beifongs have a child. Singular. But not many are privy to that knowledge. Toph Beifong, pleasure to meet you."  
  
Not only was this girl trying to go behind her father's back to make a deal with Sha-Mo, the very act of introducing herself was going against her parents. Sha-Mo did not understand why Toph's existence was a secret, but he was not going to jeopardize his trade agreement by entertaining her and angering her father. He said as much and went to close the door, but the boy surged forward to hold it open.   
  
"She's not the one hoping to make an arrangement with you. I'm Huizhong. I'm a scholar researching the Avatar and I'm hoping to hire your services to find the Wan Shi Tong Library!"  
  
Toph groaned and smacked her forehead with her palm. "Real smooth, Pretty Boy. You're not supposed to show how dang desperate you are if you want to make a good deal!"  
  
"Oh, so I should have just let him close us out without even hearing what I have to say?" Huizhong shot back with an impressive scowl, which was wasted on his blind friend.   
  
"It's as simple as saying, 'you're mistaken, let's discuss this further.' Not jumping the gun and acting like an overeager nerd! Oh wait, that's exactly what you are!"  
  
Before the children continued to squabble in the hall and draw attention from the estate staff, Sha-Mo pulled the door wider and stepped aside. "If this has nothing to do with the contract I have with your father, Ms. Beifong, then I'll hear you out.   
  
"Thank you for seeing us so late, Chief Sha-Mo," Huizhong said with a deep bow before entering.  
  
Toph grinned and gave a quick, shallow bow. "Not that we were giving you much of a choice."  
  
Spirits above. Sha-Mo had thought his children were a lot to handle. He closed the door behind Toph, then frowned after the pair. He hadn't introduced himself yet. "I'm surprised your father spoke of me by name, Ms. Beifong."  
  
"Oh, he didn't. But I get dreadfully bored and have very good hearing."  
  
So the young heiress had an eavesdropping habit on top of deceiving her parents. Was her poor attitude the reason they hid her away? It seemed rather extreme. Ghashiun's behavior was horrid and only growing worse despite Sha-Mo's best efforts, but even then he couldn't fathom erasing his son's existence from the rest of the world. Perhaps it was a noble practice he would never understand.  
  
Once settled at the ornate table in the sitting room of the suite, silence fell over their peculiar group. Toph rested her chin on her palm, elbow propped on the table. Huizhong sat stiff with his hands perfectly folded in his lap. His gaze shifted from Toph to Sha-Mo, betraying his nervousness. Before Sha-Mo had to take pity on the kid and start the conversation, Huizhong tensed and leaned forward.  
  
"I have funds to compensate for my portion of supplies and for any time you can spare to help me look for the library. I'm capable of doing any work you require of me to support myself while staying with your tribe. I'm an adept fighter and have some experience with mixing medicines. If you don't see a need for either of those skills, I can learn anything you want-"  
  
A solid punch to Huizhong's arm cut him off. He winced and rubbed at the spot Toph had hit with a frown. She ignored him, turning her milky gaze in Sha-Mo's direction.  
  
"What's your price for travel services and living accommodations?"  
  
If it weren't for Huizhong's apparent knowledge about expectations of life with the Xitao Tribe, Sha-Mo would have assumed this was a last second plan. He was curious about how a girl kept secret from visitors came to meet an adventuring scholar. They must be newly acquainted, otherwise they surely wouldn't have waited till the eve of Sha-Mo's departure to approach him. In any other circumstances, Sha-Mo would be worried the Beifong heiress was being taken advantage of... But there was no denying who was in charge of this dynamic.  
  
"Well, Ms. Beifong, no amount of monetary compensation would be worth taking on a guest unless they could provide labor to help the tribe. Life in the desert requires everyone to contribute to the community so we may survive." As Toph scrunched her nose and mulled over his response, Huizhong nodded in agreement. "From your offer, Huizhong, you seem to know a bit about desert life."  
  
"Oh, no, I hardly know anything-"  
  
"Spirits you're the worst negotiator ever," Toph groaned.  
  
Huizhong shot her a glare, but continued despite her interruption. "However, I met Professor Zei, and he told me about his time with your people and how he had to help with the daily chores. He's the one who said I could find you in Gaoling."  
  
"And did Professor Zei tell you why he is no longer granted our hospitality?"   
  
That gave Huizhong pause. He frowned and cautiously answered, "Because he ran out of funds?"  
  
Sha-Mo snorted and shook his head. There were, frankly, a multitude of reasons. The largest however... "The man is passionate about his research, I'll give him that. He's completely useless at doing anything else though. It was impossible to give him a task without him getting sidetracked writing down his endless thoughts in that journal of his. So I must ask, is that common behavior of your scholarly types?"  
  
As Toph doubled over in laughter, Huizhong furrowed his brows. "No, I think that's unique to Professor Zei. I wouldn't abandon any task you ask of me like that."  
  
If the boy were truly trained in combat and medicine, he could help the tribe more than he realized. They were always in need of able-bodied fighters to ward off scavengers. Their healer was short an apprentice since the last one had settled with the Alashan tribe. With the added funds he was offering, it would be no real burden to host him. If it were any other year.  
  
"Well, Huizhong, I commend your resourcefulness in seeking me out. I'm just not sure I can make any sort of agreement to spare one of my sandbenders and skiffs to aid your search for the library. We'll be busier than usual thanks to our contract with Ms. Beifong's father. Perhaps next year, once we've settled into our new routine-"  
  
"Ghashiun could do it, Dad."  
  
Sha-Mo startled and turned around to face his youngest. He was ready to apologize for waking them, but there wasn't a trace of sleep in Sarnai's critical gaze. There was no ground to judge the Beifong heiress for her eavesdropping when his own child was just as guilty of the habit.   
  
"Sarnai, I'm not sure-"  
  
"It's not like he'll be part of the main rotation for deliveries. Wouldn't it make sense to keep him occupied with carting around the little scholar so he can't get up to trouble while you're gone?"  
  
It was an enticing proposal. Ghashiun had been spending more and more time away from the tribe. Sha-Mo had no idea what his son was getting involved with, but it certainly was contributing to his poor attitude as of late. Occasionally, Sha-Mo would bring Ghashiun along for deliveries to give him experience, but he was still too young to be part of the main crew.   
  
Sha-Mo glanced back at his guests. With Sarnai's suggestion, hope radiated off Huizhong. He tried to appear as uncaring as Toph, but he was nearly out of his seat in his eagerness. The kid was probably younger than Sha-Mo had initially guessed. Setting him out with Ghashiun was asking for him to get hurt or in trouble.  
  
Sensing the cause of his hesitation, Sarnai sat next to him with a small smile. "I could accompany them as well. Make sure Ghashiun doesn't do anything stupid."  
  
There was little Sha-Mo could do to argue against his youngest. Where Ghashiun caused trouble being belligerent, Sarnai's trouble was more subtle. They always knew the best words to sway Sha-Mo into agreeing with whatever they wanted. And apparently, they wanted for Sha-Mo to agree to Huizhong's proposal.   
  
"How old are you, Huizhong? Surely you haven't been traveling by yourself."  
  
The sudden change of topic caught Huizhong off guard. His eyes widened, then he winced with a curse under his breath. "I forgot about Uncle. Is it possible to make an agreement for two people staying with you?"  
  
Sha-Mo sighed. Children were so guilelessly self-centered sometimes. "That would depend on if your Uncle could offer services like your own."  
  
Huizhong frowned. "Uh, not, really? Uncle can make tea that other people say is good. It all tastes the same to me. And, uh, he plays pai sho? He's a bit fat and old, but he's still pretty capable and I'm sure he could do any menial chores you ask of him! I can pay extra for him!"  
  
"Don't suggest to pay more!" Toph whined as she dropped her head to the table.   
  
"Living in the desert is hard on the body, especially for those not used to it. Even our elders, who are accustomed to our way of life, settle with other tribes who don't travel as much as we do. I wouldn't want to take someone on who would struggle to adapt to our lifestyle, no matter how much money you could provide."  
  
"So, that means..." Huizhong's shoulders dropped as he tried to keep the disappointment out of his expression. "We can't come to an agreement?"  
  
Sarnai looked up to Sha-Mo, ready to make a case, but Sha-Mo lifted a hand to hold them off. "No, it means we can make a deal if your uncle consents to you being under our care without him."  
  
Every child at the table lit up. Huizhong sat straight with a bright smile, nodding and agreeing without a second thought. Sarnai grinned with a glint in their eyes, the same shine they always had when they got their way. Toph pulled her head off the table, then slammed her palms down on it.  
  
"Great! Now that we're in agreement, let's talk details!"  
  
Sarnai set down parchment and an inkwell. Of course they had been prepared to draft up a contract from the moment they joined the conversation. Sha-Mo shook his head with a soft laugh as his child took over negotiating the terms of Huizhong's stay with the Beifong heiress. Huizhong interjected here and there, only to be silenced with a swift punch from his friend.  
  
The next few months were going to be interesting, to say the least.

_Air Mastery_   
  
_What makes one a master?_  
  
_A waterbender from either of the Poles would tell you a master is one who can use their bending to contribute to the community. Every year waterbending students who are deemed ready to ascend to the title of master go through a test of wisdom, adaptability, and unity. The group of students is led far from any tribe with few supplies. They must survive for a week on their own, using their waterbending and survival skills to either flourish or flounder._  
  
_The firebending test of mastery is much simpler. Whenever a student deems they are ready, they can challenge their teacher to a mastery fight. Should they win, they achieve the rank of master._  
  
_These tests reflect the very nature of their elements._  
  
_I feel the same cannot be said of earth and air._  
  
_It is strange, is it not, how the most rigid of elements has the freest means of becoming a master? There are no tests or structured forms one has to complete to be considered a master. Anyone can claim at any time to be an earthbending master, however, if they do not have the skills to support such a claim their word becomes worthless._  
  
_In contrast, the element of freedom is so rigid in its path to mastery. Either we must develop a new airbending technique or fully master the 36 tiers of airbending. Developing a new technique does not grant instant mastery. If one has not surpassed at least 30 of the airbending tiers, they must continue their training before they can go through the mastery ceremony._  
  
_I was well on my way to mastering the 36 tiers when Akari and I discovered I was the Avatar. I had entertained the idea of developing my own technique but never felt the need to rush toward my mastery. With the realization of the path my future would take, I thought once more about the subject._  
  
_Although we never found the ruins of the people from Akari's dreams, we spoke of them often. It was fun to theorize what a culture of fire and air would be like, as well as to test our theories of how our elements could harmonize. In our discussions, we also came to the conclusion that these people surely were as much my ancestors as they were Akari's. We could never find solid evidence of their existence, but old records of the Air Temples supported our theories._  
  
_Generations ago, the Air Nomads were more integrated with the lives of people outside the temples. Of the four temples, three shared close bonds with their neighboring benders. In the northern mountains of the now Earth Kingdom, the Northern Temple worked closely with earthbenders. There's speculation earthbenders had assisted in the construction of the temple. Down at the Southern Temple, airbenders had strong ties with the Southern Water Tribe. The Eastern Temple lauded itself in being the purest school of airbending, untainted by the influence of other elements. And then there was the Western Air Temple, the residents of which played a large role in mitigating and helping the tumultuous firebending clans achieve peace in those ancient years._  
  
_Even if our theories turned out to be incorrect, there is no denying my home has a connection to firebenders. And it was that connection I wanted to honor through my airbending mastery._  
  
_I worked tirelessly to create my form, but did not slow in learning the 36 airbending tiers. At times, I was tempted to divert all my focus on development. Akari was often the voice of temptation, citing her confidence in my skills to perfect my technique faster than it would take to complete my training. I never caved to this temptation, for my goal was to achieve mastery on either path. Ultimately, whichever one I took to get there did not matter._  
  
_It was the summer of my sixteenth year when I mastered the final airbending tier and perfected my technique._  
  
_As Akari played a vital role in my new airbending form, I requested she be present for the ceremony. The elders fought me on this, citing no one outside the Air Nomads had attended a mastery ceremony in centuries. I thought that was stupid then, and frankly I still find it closed-minded (and stupid) now. An airbender should be free to have anyone influential to their mastery at their ceremony, no matter their companion being an outsider. I won the fight and Akari was able to attend, but it left me bitter with the elders, which led to the decisions I made that day._  
  
_After an airbender receives their tattoos, they are presented to the temple as a master and perform either their personal, new airbending skill or forms from the upper tiers. As much as I cherish my tattoos and the significance they hold within my culture, the process of receiving them is excruciating. A day of recovery is not enough time for the pain to dwindle before being asked to perform for an audience. Looking back, I'd like to think pain played a role in my lack of thought during the ceremony._  
  
_My airbending technique is called the air lantern. It is a difficult skill, so I fear it will not be carried on through future generations. However, I dearly hope it does survive despite its difficulty for it is a beautiful sight to behold. It is easy for wind to snuff out a flame, or to fan it into a raging inferno. To cradle a flame and keep it alive while contained is not so easy, and exactly what I created with my air lantern. The bender must swirl air around a flame and carefully balance the strength of the wind as well as the levels of fresh air feed the fire. The effect is an endless spiral of air-encased flames._  
  
_In my initial presentation to the elders to prove my mastery, Akari provided the flames for me to showcase my air lantern. It was only due to practicality that they finally permitted her presence. I didn't want Akari to have to earn her place, however. I wanted her to be there in celebration along with everyone else. With that thought in mind, fueled by my youthful bitterness and aching skin, I created my own fire to showcase my airbending technique._  
  
_So it was on that day I was recognized as an airbending master, and acknowledged as the Avatar._

_(The elders' reaction to me firebending at my air mastery ceremony was something Akari laughed about for years.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> despite how long it took me to get this finished i had a lot of fun writing toph and these yangchen memoirs <3
> 
> im excited for sharing more yangchen and the sandbenders with you all!!! not gonna be able to make any promises for a time frame for the next chapter but... hopefully itll be a monthish again?
> 
> in the meantime feel free to hmu on tumblr @redriot or twitter @starofjems ~!


	2. Making a Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello party people its been a TIME since the past month and a half amirite? first week of novemeber was like a whole separate dimension. big thanks to nanowrimo getting me back in the swing of things and my amazing beta jana for keeping me in the swing <33 
> 
> im working on this fic for nano this year so lets see how far I get with the fic in 50k! With the rate these chapters have been going, I doubt I'll get much further than this installment... ha. haha...
> 
> anyways hope you all enjoy the proper introduction of the sandbenders and more yangchen memoirs !!!

The soft sound of a door sliding open roused Iroh from his fretful slumber. Normally, not even the loudest of noises could pull him from the world of dreams, but deep sleep was unachievable without the knowledge his nephew was safe in his bed for the night. Thus, Iroh woke to the quiet sounds of Zuko returning to their inn room. The boy padded around the room light on his feet; had Iroh managed to sleep through his worries, Zuko could have stomped around without waking him, such a show of gentle concern pulled at Iroh's lips, making him turn into his pillow to hide his smile. The small movement made Zuko freeze, likely in the middle of changing out of his likely dusty clothes after his night of sparring with his rowdy new friend.  
  
Iroh feigned a snore to reassure Zuko as the pull of true sleep lulled him away from his thoughts. He fell back asleep with a smile and the warmth of his love for his precious nephew.  
  
Morning found Iroh waking to the sunrise. This, of course, was nothing of note. For all the depth of his sleep, Iroh was still a firebender and rose with the sun. On this morning, however, it instantly set him at unease. He and Zuko were supposed to inquire at the Beifong residence first thing, and Zuko would have taken that quite literally. They should have been at the Beifong's door already or at least preparing to leave.  
  
Even as Iroh hoped an exhausting spar had tired his nephew enough for him to uncharacteristically sleep in, he knew it would not turn out to be true. Iroh sat up and stared across the room where Zuko should have gone to sleep after returning last night. The futon was still folded up along the wall, the same as Zuko had put it away the previous morning. No, surely that was Iroh's worries getting away from him. Zuko was a meticulous child, he could have folded his futon up in the exact same position as the day before.  
  
"Nephew?" Iroh called out, desperate in his hope Zuko could be present yet out of sight.   
  
Zuko's bag was not in its usual spot on the table. Panic threatened to take hold of Iroh's emotions, but he pushed it down. There was no reason to assume the worst. The most logical conclusion was that Zuko tried to wake Iroh before the sunrise, got frustrated, then went off to the Beifong estate on his own. There was plenty of time to catch up with his impatient nephew before he had to worry about the boy running off to the desert on his own-  
  
An innocuous piece of paper lay on the table in place of Zuko's bag. One edge of the paper was ragged as if it had been torn out of the journal Zuko acquired after meeting Professor Zei. Iroh leveled his breathing. It was kind of Zuko to leave a note of his whereabouts to prevent the very panicked thought process Iroh was trying to quell. His nephew was still in the city, merely run ahead to speak with an influential _noble_ Earth Kingdom family without Iroh. While still enough to clench Iroh's heart with concern, all would be fine-  
  
 _'Uncle,_  
  
 _I hope you won't be too cross with me, but I couldn't risk losing this chance when it was right before me. As it turns out, Bandit was familiar with the sandbenders and was able to organize a meeting with them for me. There was no hope in waiting for the morning, as you and I had discussed, for they have plans to depart before the sun breaks the horizon. Thanks to Bandit's assistance, I also will be departing with them in the early hours._  
  
 _I apologize I didn't wake you, but our negotiations took much longer than anticipated. I didn't have much time to pack and return to the sandbenders before they were scheduled to leave. I tried to negotiate you coming with me on this expedition. Although Professor Zei mentioned the importance of contributing to the tribe in addition to monetary payment, he failed to stress how it would be a deal-breaker in them making any sort of agreement._  
  
 _Chief Sha-Mo, leader of the Xitao Tribe with which I will be staying, was quite firm how difficult life in the desert can be. Even if I could have thought of a service you could provide the tribe (Since obviously we cannot firebend. If that was on the table of course I would have expressed your skill there.), Chief Sha-Mo was adamant he did not want to risk the health of an elder in an unfamiliar and dangerous environment. He would have spoken with you, should time have been provided for it, but he told me to assure you he'll look after me. Not that I need it, I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself._  
  
 _He also said you can send letters addressed to the Xitao Tribe to the Misty Palms Oasis, and they will eventually reach us. ~~If~~ When you do, let me know where I can write to update you on my search for the library. I'm hoping this won't take longer than a month, but Chief Sha-Mo informed me that the library likes to move around and often won't show itself unless it desires to._  
  
 _I remember everything you've said about being careful with my identity. Don't worry. Bun Ma and Ju Long have taught me plenty about the colonies and I'm confident I won't draw any unwanted attention to myself._  
  
 _Please don't be too mad at me. I hope you'll write._  
  
 _Your Nephew'_  
  
Don't be mad? Iroh was _furious_. The edges of his vision darkened with a mix of panic and anger. His _thirteen-year-old_ nephew thought it was acceptable to depart without a guardian with complete strangers into one of the most dangerous biomes in an _enemy_ kingdom. Iroh had half a mind to blindly run off in an attempt to catch up with the sandbenders despite having no knowledge of their intended route back to the Si Wong, nor their means and thus speed of travel.  
  
With a deep breath, Iroh pushed his swirling panic aside and set Zuko's letter back on the table. He had several letters of his own to write, starting with a _very_ stern response to his reckless nephew.

_The North Pole_   
  
_Leaving for the Northern Water Tribe was a bittersweet day. I was so excited to begin my waterbending training and to experience more of the world. I was less excited though to say farewell to my home and my friends for an unknown amount of time. My guide during my training and travels, Boma, advised against taking many breaks to return and visit. Learning the elements was not the only objective in becoming the Avatar, for I also had to immerse myself in the different cultures and peoples of the world to balance them._   
  
_Akari, naturally, promised to come visit me in the North Pole as soon as possible. She also pushed Pik and Pak on me, with the argument I needed their company to have another piece of home aside from Shosha. I knew they would miss Akari as much as I would, but welcomed their addition to my entourage north._   
  
_My knowledge about Water Tribe customs was quite limited and Boma spent most of our travel time filling the holes in my education. To say I was nervous about adapting to water tribe culture would be an understatement. I understood, logically, that Air Nomad philosophies of pacifism and honoring all life was not conducive to living in the harsh environment found in the poles. Boma assured me that my beliefs would be respected during my stay and I would not be pressured to join in hunts or consume meat._   
  
_It was fairly easy to reconcile Water Tribe beliefs with those of my people but harder to accept them from a perspective born from having a Fire Nation companion for so long. I couldn't help but get angry on behalf of Akari as Boma went into depth about the gendered expectations upheld by Water Tribe society. As an Air Nomad, distinctions between the genders is a familiar concept. The temples are divided by males and females, after all. As the best friend of the Fire Nation Princess, the mere suggestion of restricting the choices of citizens due to their genders was preposterous. Women were generally not allowed to learn combative waterbending, but an exception was always made for the Avatar. Oceans away from Akari, I could still easily hear her voice protesting that if an exception could be made for the Avatar, it should be made for everyone._   
  
_Imagine my shock when Boma and I were introduced to the Northern Chief's children. Siniq and Tarkik did not fit the image of the Water Tribe that Boma had painted for me. I imagine the twins were a shock for Boma as well. All he knew was the chief had twins, a daughter and a son, who were a renowned warrior and healer. Boma made his assumptions based on his knowledge of Water Tribe customs. I followed those assumptions, for I had little reason to think otherwise._   
  
_To this day I still remember the awe I felt upon first meeting Siniq and Tarkik. They stood behind their father, the chief, as he formally welcomed me and Boma. Their mere presence undermined their father's authority. Not to say he was a weak or poor leader, but how could anyone compare to the confidence, strength, and poise his children exuded? Siniq was no taller than her brother, but seemed to dwarf him with her muscular build and squared shoulders. Even with a thin scar running down the side of her face, through her eye, there was no denying the soft touches of femininity to her features, no denying she was a woman warrior. Tarkik was a stark contrast to his sister, but no less striking. His hair framed his face and would have concealed the squareness of his jaw if not for his neatly trimmed beard. He stood just as proud as Siniq and his gaze carried a strength of will that rivaled his sister's._   
  
_I was enamored by them the moment I laid eyes on them. It would be some time till we could properly get to know each other, but that did not stop me from writing Akari about the chief's twins and all I could learn about them._

There was no other life Sarnai wanted other than the one they were already living. They loved the shift of sand under their feet as they walked. Nothing compared to the joy of summer rains or the thrill of taking cover from a flash flood. Most of all, Sarnai _lived_ for the rush of wind that swirled around them as they rode a sand sailer, especially when the sun was at its weakest, and Sarnai would shed their layers and let the wind blow through their hair and caress their bare skin.  
  
Sarnai loved their life in the desert and wouldn't trade it for any other. But, sometimes, it was _boring_. There were only so many animals to tend to or stories to tell before Sarnai craved at least a taste of the world beyond the sands. Accompanying Dad on trading trips quenched Sarnai's thirst for something more, but little compared to the short weeks in their youth when Professor Zei had stayed with the tribe. The man had been a fountain of stories and information, and years later Sarnai still remembered his visit as one of the best months of their life.  
  
So when a little professor-in-training showed up asking to accompany Dad back into the desert, well, it was in Sarnai's best interest to be on the kid's side.  
  
If Professor Zei had been a fountain of entertainment, Huizhong was comparable to a well. Just a glance at him spoke of a story, with his healed but tender looking scar and piercing golden eyes. Sarnai was delighted to have Huizhong all to themself with no responsibilities or chores to distract from his tales as they traveled back home.  
  
Stupid Ghashiun just had to ruin the promise of a delightful journey, though.   
  
"We're supposed to count on this runt to fight off bandits?" He had asked when Dad shared the details of the agreement with Huizhong.  
  
The protection job up to the desert lines had been granted at Huizhong's insistence, and Dad had agreed to entertain the boy. Sarnai understood that much because they weren't an actual child and _used_ their brain, unlike some people. Ugh, Ghashiun was the most infuriating brother.  
  
Thanks to Ghashiun's dumb mouth, Huizhong decided he needed to _prove_ himself and refused to engage in any conversations lest it detracted from him 'keeping watch.' It was rather cute how Huizhong was taking his job as a bodyguard so seriously. Sure, sandbenders were at a disadvantage outside the desert since their traditional earthbending was weak, but between Dad, Ghashiun, and the _three_ other sandbenders that made up their party, there was no need for a child to protect them.  
  
Huizhong was blind to such an obvious fact and even now on the third day into their travels, he would not take a break and chat with Sarnai.  
  
It was fine, Sarnai could be patient. The caravan would reach the Si Wong in a day, and then Huizhong's guard duty would be complete. There would be no excuse for the boy to avoid Sarnai's questions once they were on the sand sailors.  
  
"We're being followed," Erhi, the _real_ lookout, announced to the group as she slid off her ostrich horse.  
  
Nugai handed the reins of the ostrich horses pulling the wagon to Sarnai, then jumped off to walk alongside Erhi. Qara and Ghashiun fell back to cover the rear of the procession. Huizhong moved to unsheathe his swords but paused when Dad shook his head sharply at him.  
  
"We're wary of attack, but we're not going to project ourselves as hostile. Keep your swords away unless we're under attack. For now, join Sarnai on the wagon."  
  
Huizhong furrowed his brow and hesitated to follow the instruction. "But I agreed to protect the wagon as part of our agreement."  
  
A loud snort sounded from behind them, making Huizhong visibly bristle. Spirits, why couldn't Ghashiun keep his stupid mouth shut? Dad sighed and started to reach out to pat Huizhong on the shoulder, but remembered at the last second how poorly Huizhong reacted to casual touches and awkwardly aborted the move to gesture toward Sarnai.   
  
"I'd feel better if I knew a capable fighter was covering Sarnai, who's driving the wagon."  
  
Just like that, the stubborn set to Huizhong's shoulders fell as he scrambled up next to Sarnai. "Oh, of course, sorry, Sir."  
  
Dad shot Sarnai a look they were well acquainted with. It was usually a 'keep your brother out of trouble' look, and it was well suited for this ambitious kid too. Sarnai gave their usual response of an exasperated eye roll, which made Dad laugh and relax for a moment before turning to the others to review their defense plans.  
  
Huizhong turned to try to participate in the conversation, but Sarnai tugged on his sleeve with a grin. "So where'd you get your swords?"  
  
"Seriously?" The look Huizhong leveled them with could have been intimidating if Sarnai hadn't witnessed him getting bullied by the tiny Beifong heiress. "Do you really think _now_ is the time to have a little chat?"  
  
"Well, why not?" Sarnai shot back.   
  
Rather than deign them with a verbal response, Huizhong gestured to the rest of the group preparing for a possible ambush. Well okay, if he was going to be a _brat_ about it...  
  
"They've got this covered. Honestly Huizhong, Dad only agreed to this protection stipulation because you insisted on it. He has no intention of letting a child fight unknown assailants."  
  
"Child?!" Huizhong faced them with a furious glare, but it might have been more embarrassed than angry due to the pink hue of his unmarred cheek. "You can't be much older than me!"  
  
Sarnai smirked. They had Huizhong right where they wanted him. The kid had been suspiciously reticent about his age and that fact had slipped Dad's notice. His scar and raspy voice aged him, but Sarnai suspected he was much younger than Dad assumed.   
  
"I'm seventeen next month. How old are you?"  
  
Huizhong huffed triumphantly. "Ha, I'm fourteen in a few months. See, you're not _that_ much older than me!"  
  
Spirits, he was only thirteen? Dad had been reluctant to allow Sarnai to accompany him on trips out of the desert when they had turned _fifteen_. He never would have let them or Ghashiun travel around on their own at thirteen, he hardly let them travel the Si Wong without him _now_ as it was! Huizhong's uncle hadn't even come to meet Dad before letting his nephew go off with strangers... Either his uncle was extremely irresponsible with his charge, or Huizhong lied when he claimed his uncle was fine with the agreement Huizhong came to with Dad.  
  
The sound of a bowstring releasing echoed through the forest. An arrow hit the path and Sarnai pulled the ostrich horses to a stop before more arrows hit them. No more arrows came flying, but someone stepped out of the trees in front of the wagon.   
  
"Surrender your wagon, and we'll let you keep the ostrich horses," the thief called. "I won't make any promises if you put up a fight."  
  
Several more people appeared through the trees at the edge of the road. They were completely surrounded. Sarnai bit their lip and glanced down at Huizhong with a wry smile.   
  
"Hope you're as good with your swords as-"  
  
Huizhong was not sitting next to them anymore.  
  
Shit. The thirteen-year-old was going to get himself killed and it was all Sarnai's fault. Before they could point out Huizhong's sudden absence, Dad gave the signal to fight and Sarnai ducked down under the wagon seat to give the archer one less easy target.   
  
Thankfully, the bandits seemed to be non-benders and were unprepared for five sandbenders. If there had been even one earthbender, the fight may have gone differently. Without someone to disrupt Qara and Ghashiun from turning the surrounding hard earth into something more malleable and sand-like, the rest of the sandbenders were able to fight unhindered by the unfamiliar terrain.   
  
Sarnai wanted to follow the fight, they were _supposed_ to follow the fight. Part of their responsibility as the backup wagon driver was to be ready to escape if they needed to. But there was no way they were going to run off without knowing where Huizhong went off to.   
  
They really should have been paying more attention to their surroundings anyway rather than searching the trees for signs of Huizhong.  
  
A rough grip on Sarnai's arm pulled them off the wagon. Their yelp of surprise drew short with the cold press of a blade against their neck. Oh spirits they were in it now...  
  
"Release my cohorts and I won't kill him," a coarse voice yelled next to Sarnai's ear.  
  
The rest of the bandits were buried neck-deep in the ground and the only one left to fight was the one holding Sarnai hostage. Dad paled and held his hands up in a sign of peace.   
  
"I'm sure we can come to an agreement without any grievous injuries."  
  
The bandit spat and Sarnai flinched as the movement shifted the blade at Sarnai's neck. "Only agreement we coming to is you living without your goods or dying and losing them anyways."  
  
"You're not really in the position to be making demands right now."   
  
That was Huizhong's voice coming from behind the bandit. How did Huizhong end up behind the bandit and- Oh the blade pulled away enough Sarnai could duck out from under it. They shoved an elbow into the man's solar plexus and dropped out of his grip when it loosened in his surprise.   
  
Huizhong pulled his sword away from the man's gut as he reared back from Sarnai's attack. Before the bandit could recover and charge either of them, Huizhong moved with a swiftness Sarnai could not comprehend. The bandit's sword flew out of his hand and his back hit the ground, Huizhong's blades pointed at his throat with his foot planted on the man's chest.   
  
"Could a child do _that_?" He asked Sarnai with a smug grin.  
  
The road dissolved, then surged up and around the final bandit, who started screaming for his archer to take the party out. Dad pulled Sarnai to him, prepared to use himself as cover, but an assault of arrows never came.   
  
Huizhong sheathed his swords, somehow even smugger than before. "I already took care of the archer. She's knocked out and tied up a few paces past the tree line."  
  
Dad didn't try to conceal his shock as he stared at Huizhong. "Well, I suppose it's a good thing we had you with us as back up."  
  
This kid was, indeed, a _well_ of entertainment and Sarnai couldn't wait to get his story out of him.

_Waterbending Master_  
  
 _As is common in one's youth, I was overconfident in my own skills. I began my waterbending training with the mindset that I would be a natural. After all, the first element I bent after air had been water. Because of my arrogance, my struggle to begin waterbending was a crushing blow to my confidence._  
  
 _Educating the Avatar is, historically, a_ privilege _. Nations, tribes, and master benders all fight for the honor of hosting each generation's Avatar. The two water tribes established an agreement centuries ago to exchange the responsibility of mentoring the Avatar every cycle. As such, the Northern Water Tribe assured I was provided with the best of everything._  
  
 _Boma and I were given our own wing in the Chief's palace. I only needed to ask and anything I desired could be provided to me. Even Shosha, Pik, and Pak were treated as guests of honor. And of course, the most revered waterbending master was assigned as my teacher._  
  
 _Sifu Adlartok was unlike any teacher I'd had before. He was unrelenting in his tutelage, constantly pushing me and my limits. I did not realize it at the time, but he resented having to teach me. Avatar or not, I was still a young woman who should not be learning martial waterbending. And yet, young woman or not, the Avatar had to learn martial waterbending. At least according to the world at large._  
  
 _I didn't_ want _to learn martial waterbending._  
  
 _Airbending forms can be used in combat, but we do not learn them with the intention to fight. To be a master of air, one must be one with the element. The way Sifu Adlartok approached my training, I would only be a waterbending master if I could defeat him in battle._  
  
 _It was the first time in my life I experienced an overwhelming amount of negative emotions. I felt adrift and unlike myself. I felt hatred for my training, for Sifu Adlartok. I felt disgust for my hatred. Which cycled into hating my teacher for making me a stranger to my own mind. Boma was a kind and understanding chaperone, but we were still essentially strangers to each other. Akari was oceans away and I didn't want to burden her with my vitriol when there was nothing she could do._  
  
 _The cycle was relentless. I struggled to waterbend, which made Sifu Adlartok push me harder. The harder he pushed me, the more I resented him. The more I resented him, the less confidence I had in myself and everything I knew. Without confidence, I couldn't break through my mental blocks to succeed with waterbending._  
  
 _All of this came to a point several months into my stay with the Northern Water Tribe._  
  
 _In the middle of a usual disastrous lesson with Sifu Adlartok, an alarm sounded across the city. He tried to brush it off to continue our lesson, but I refused to back down till he explained what he meant by a 'spirit attack.' I was the_ Avatar _, the bridge between humanity and spirits! Why was I kept in the dark about spirit activity? Rather than properly explain, Sifu Adlartok assured me the situation would be handled by the chief's children. They were experienced fighting malicious spirits, after all._  
  
 _I was sick of feeling useless, like a failure. This was my opportunity to prove at least to myself I still had potential as an Avatar. Even if I was struggling with waterbending, I was still an airbending master!_  
  
 _Leaving a furious waterbending master in my wake, I raced across Agna Qel'a to help fight a dark spirit. Did I have any idea of what I was running blindly into? Absolutely not. Did I care that I was being reckless? The thought never occurred to me. All I wanted was to feel useful._  
  
 _Was I needed to defeat the spirit, though? Not at all, it turned out. Did that push me further into my dark spiral?_  
  
 _No. Quite the opposite, actually._  
  
 _When I reached the frozen tundra above the city, Tarkik and Siniq were well into their battle against the spirit. For all my desperation to prove myself, all thoughts of jumping into the fray escaped me at the sight of the twins fighting together. To this day I'm still enraptured by the effortless beauty of their teamwork, but little compares to the awe of their first battle I witnessed._  
  
 _Tendrils of water surrounded Tarkik, fluid and enchanting in their flowing dance. Siniq sprinted across the snowy landscape to throw herself at the dark, towering spirit. She slashed at the spirit with her scimitar. The spirit's body shifted around her weapon and absorbed it into its body. With an unearthly screech, it flung Siniq away from it. One of Tarkik's water tendrils shot out and caught Siniq mid-air. The water solidified into an ice platform at its tip for Siniq to stand, then out of the liquid, an ice spear formed into her hand. Another tendril lashed out at the spirit, distracting it as Siniq leaped off her perch, ice weapon aimed for the spirit's eye._  
  
 _The spirit turned to face her at the last second, too late for her to change tactics or properly block against its massive claw headed right for her. Siniq didn't flinch, for she had absolute trust Tarkik was there to support her. As I stood frozen in horror, a wave of snow shot up from the ground to encase the spirit's claw, and to provide Siniq with a new foothold to redirect her momentum. With a warrior's cry, Siniq drove her ice spear into the spirit's singular glowing eye._  
  
 _It cried out and its eye started to shine brighter. The snow supporting Siniq pulled her away from the spirit and within the protective circle of Tarkik's water barrier. Rather than the aggressive forms Sifu Adlartok drilled me on, Tarkik moved as if he were a dancer. His protective barrier swirled around them, then flowed outward to smother the spirit. Snow melted to join the spiraling sphere of water that grew denser as it shrunk around the spirit. The glow of the spirit refracted off the water and made the landscape sparkle and shine._  
  
 _Just as it grew too painful to look at the bright sphere, a piercing shriek sounded and the world fell into darkness. The sun felt too dim in comparison to the blazing light of the spirit._  
  
 _As Tarkik siphoned his water sphere off into soft puffs of snow, I knew I could never return to Sifu Adlartok's lessons. I had to learn how to waterbend like Tarkik._  
  
 _No other teacher would measure up to the majesty I had just witnessed._

It was frighteningly easy to fall into a routine with the Xitao Tribe. For as long as Zuko could remember, his life had been scheduled by the hour. Meals, lessons, training, breaks, and time to play were all meticulously planned and Zuko always knew what to expect for the coming days. Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects to adjust to with life on the _Sazanami_ was the lack of routine. Zuko tried his best to establish something for himself, but a transient life wasn't conducive to a rigid schedule.  
  
In contrast, the daily chores of the Xitao Tribe made Zuko more comfortable in a few days than he had been a month in on the _Sazanami_. The tribe rose before the sun broke the horizons to complete the labor-intensive chores before it grew too hot. Zuko was paired with Sarnai to shadow their morning chores, which were a rotation of milking the kangaroo camels and dog goats, cleaning the animals' enclosures, and collecting hair for textiles.   
  
By mid-morning the desert sun was unbearable. Everyone retreated to the relative coolness of the sandbent domes the tribe called home. Again, Zuko shadowed Sarnai in their chore rotation. They taught him how to clean the animal hair collected for textiles one day. The next, Zuko learned how to spin the hair into thread. Sarnai was still learning how to weave the thread into usable fabric, so Zuko joined in that lesson. Zuko was awful at spinning thread, but Sarnai assured him they had started off doing just as poorly.   
  
After a light lunch, the children gathered together in the largest dome for lessons. There were not many children in the tribe. Other than Ghashiun and Sarnai, there were five other kids of schooling ages. The siblings were the eldest of the group and Ghashiun was at the threshold of adulthood and being freed from the schooling sessions. Often, they spent more time helping the other children read, write, or practice arithmetics than learning anything new of their own. With Zuko's addition, and royal education, he found himself playing teacher for _all_ of them. It seemed to annoy Ghashiun as much as it delighted Sarnai.  
  
Sarnai was weird.  
  
Sure, they were very kind and patient with Zuko as he stumbled through the daily chores, and Zuko appreciated the role Sarnai had played in securing an agreement with Sha-Mo. But, they also wouldn't stop _talking_ to Zuko. Already in the travel to the desert, they had tried to ask him some questions, but he'd had a _job_ to do! Zuko figured it was boredom that led to Sarnai's interest in him then. After all, they weren't responsible for anything other than helping care for the ostrich horses when they stopped for the evenings.  
  
Zuko had _thought_ once Sarnai was back home, there would be no reason to interrogate him.  
  
He thought wrong.  
  
For some reason, Sarnai wanted to know any and everything about him and his life. It would have been one thing if they just wanted to learn more about life outside of the desert, Zuko could have understood that, he also was curious about the way the Xitao and other desert tribes lived. But Sarnai didn't just ask about ways of life outside the desert. Somehow the questions always related to him or circled back around to his thoughts or opinions on things.   
  
Zuko fretted that maybe Sarnai was onto him and suspected Huizhong wasn't real. Even though Bun Ma and Ju Long drilled him relentlessly on colony life and what he should or shouldn't know, he had never been to the colonies before. Sarnai asked such specific in-depth questions that there was no way Zuko could _hope_ to answer them correctly. He was staying in Sha-Mo's home, and shared a room with Sarnai, so maybe he gave something away in his sleep or Sarnai had seen something that raised their suspicions in his bags. Worst of all, maybe they had caught Zuko meditating with his egg and performing the small bit of firebending he had to do to keep it warm.  
  
Surprisingly, it was Ghashiun to dispel Zuko's fears. Sarnai had started grilling him about metalworking in the colonies over breakfast, and it was true Zuko knew a fair amount about the metal industry from his tutors, but he had no idea what blacksmiths' clothes were usually made of nor how long the average workday was. Just as he was beginning to panic that he _should_ know, Ghashiun spoke up with an exaggerated groan.  
  
"Just shut up already, Sarnai! No one gives a fuck if some metalworker's shirt is made of plant fibers or shit fibers!"  
  
Sarnai scowled. "Just because you have shit for brains doesn't mean everyone else is as dull as you."  
  
"Oh fuck off, just because I don't care about dumb shit like you do doesn't make me dull." Ghashiun turned abruptly to Zuko and waved an arm at Sarnai. "You agree with me, right? Unlike Sarnai, I can actually pick up on the fact you don't give a fuck about all the dumb questions they're asking you. Honestly, who _cares_ about government regulations on restaurants or the damned fibers of fabric. _That_ is dull!"  
  
" _I_ care about it! It's interesting!" Sarnai shot back before Zuko could process Ghashiun's words.  
  
Ghashiun shoved a heaping spoonful of rice into his mouth, then proceeded to laugh and speak around it. "Only because you're a fucking weirdo. It's not interesting to anyone else."  
  
"Yes it is! You find it interesting, right, Hui?" Sarnai looked to Zuko for an answer, but didn't give him the chance to breathe, let alone reply, before they turned back to Ghashiun. "And chew your food, for fuck's sake. The dog goats have more table manners than you do!"  
  
"Yeah, well the dog goats are the only one interested in the shit you keep blathering about."  
  
Sarnai grinned. "I believe what you mean to say is, the dog goats are smarter than you and can keep up with my intellect."   
  
"We'll see how intellectual you are when you're buried neck-deep in the sand-" Ghashiun had set his breakfast aside and started to stand, but a strong hand grabbed his arm and pulled him back down.  
  
Zuko's mouth went dry and his throat tightened as he realized Sha-Mo was _right there_. He had been there the _whole_ time, had never left. How could Zuko have possibly forgotten he was there? How did Sarnai and Ghashiun forget their _father was right there_? Azula and Zuko always kept their petty squabbles out of earshot from Father, but Zuko had a good idea of how furious Father would be if he and Azula behaved like that in front of him and a guest.  
  
Neither Ghashiun nor Sarnai seemed surprised, nor cowed by their father's presence. Ghashiun _glared_ at Sha-Mo and _clicked his tongue_ at him, oh Agni and spirits everywhere-  
  
Sha-Mo hardly reacted to such blatant disrespect and just rolled his eyes at his children. His children who had been _cursing_ and arguing about something petty in front of him and a _guest_.   
  
"How old are you now? I thought I had two responsible young adults who knew how to behave over breakfast." Sha-Mo sipped his dog goat milk with a raised brow. He didn't raise his voice, nor seem angry, but Ghashiun and Sarnai wilted under his stare. "Huizhong, I must apologize. You've been very diligent in helping Sarnai with their chores and more than patient as I've organized your search for the Spirit Library. I was going to entrust my children with some new responsibilities that would lend to your quest, but I might have to rearrange my plans once more..."  
  
"Why would I _want_ more responsibilities," Ghashiun grumbled as Sarnai surged forward, slamming their palms on the table to lean across it to smile broadly at Sha-Mo.  
  
"I knew it! You're going to ask Ghashiun to make the usual runs to the other tribes, aren't you?" Despite Ghashiun's initial dismay, he perked up with interest at Sarnai's conjecture. "It makes more sense than just sending us out every which way in hopes of catching sight of Hui's library. Might as well get something useful out of it at the same time."  
  
Ghashiun turned to Sha-Mo, jaw agape in shock and a glint of hope shining in his eyes. "Really, Dad? You'll let me take the sand sailer to the Qilian and Alashan?"  
  
"Well, I _was_ going to ask you to, but I'm having second thoughts-"  
  
"Sorry I called you a weirdo, Sarnai." Ghashiun held his hand out to his sibling. "I still think all the shit you keep asking Huizhong about is dumb as hell, though."  
  
Sarnai scoffed, but shook his hand. "And I'm sorry I compared your intelligence to the dog goats. You're at least a little smarter than them."  
  
Despite the lingering insults, their apologies actually seemed _genuine_. Zuko stared, baffled by this dynamic, as Sarnai and Ghashiun faced Sha-Mo as a united front to convince him they were responsible enough to go to the other tribes without a chaperone. Sha-Mo didn't even have to make the pair apologize, they just did it all on their own! Zuko could count on his hands the number of times Azula ever apologized to him, and all those apologies were coerced by Mother.  
  
This whole family was _weird_.

_Avatar Szeto's Legacy_  
  
 _Under Tarkik's tutelage, I finally started to progress as a waterbender. Master Adlartok had tried to teach me through the strength of the ocean, he'd wanted me to wield the power of waves that could tear ships asunder. I knew that was not the kind of waterbender I would ever be, but I had no choice with him as my teacher._  
  
 _Tarkik taught me through the dependency of the ocean. Just like the ebb and flow of the tide, his style of waterbending shifted from offensive and defensive until they were one and the same. I could harness the strength of crushing waves just as surely I could summon the protective swirl of a current. What I cherished most of all with Tarkik as my teacher was learning to heal._  
  
 _Unsurprisingly, Master Adlartok refused room in my training schedule to learn from the healers. In his mind, it was beneath an all-mighty Avatar. I was dismayed when Siniq seemed to share a similar mindset. She was never rude about it, nor tried to stop Tarkik from allowing me in the healing huts. And yet, she made enough passing comments against it that I couldn't help but notice. I didn't want to disrupt our burgeoning friendship and avoided any sort of confrontation on the topic at first. Despite my best effort, however, there was no skirting around Siniq's disdain for my healing lessons when it played a large role in explaining the spirit attacks Siniq and Tarkik were experienced fighting against._  
  
 _I tried to learn more about the dark spirits as soon as the fight I witnessed was over, but I was told I should focus on my waterbending before getting involved with that. Word spread through the entire tribe to keep me ignorant of the North Pole's spirit activity. Boma assured me I would learn when the time was right and agreed I shouldn't get distracted from my current training. So, I let it drop and trusted Siniq and Tarkik would tell me soon._  
  
 _Half a year after the first dark spirit, another attacked Agna Qel'a. Again, my assistance was unnecessary. This time, however, Siniq promised to explain the dark spirits once she and Tarkik defeated it. Watching them fight was just as enthralling as the first time. This spirit was smaller than the other but much faster. It was a strong opponent, but it too fell in the face of Tarkik and Siniq's teamwork._  
  
 _Seated around a fire in Tarkik's room as we shared a celebratory drink, I learned the harsh truth of the spirit attacks. They were_ my _fault. My past self's fault. The Avatar's fault. I knew from my studies that my predecessor had used the might of his Avatar powers to bring the warring firebending clans together into the Fire Nation. What I did not know was what he neglected while dedicating his life to advising one nation._  
  
 _At the epicenter of the north and south poles lay gateways into the spirit world. A dense spirit forest surrounds each gateway and helps dissuade spirits from leaving and humans from entering. The Water Tribes have a long history of keeping watch on the gateways and advising the Avatar about them and spirit activity._  
  
 _During times of strife in the rest of the world, dark spirits are drawn away from the Water Tribes and toward the suffering and sorrow happening elsewhere. When the world is at peace, however, the dark spirits desire to create the suffering and sorrow they thrive off of. The closest targets are the Water Tribes. In the south, the tribes are nomadic and do not stay in one place for long, which helps them avoid interacting with the dark spirits that make it through the spirit gateway and surrounding forest. Those in the north do not have such an ability to live transiently._  
  
 _The Northern Water Tribe houses the mortal forms of the moon and the ocean. Tui and La reside in the heart of the city, surrounded by a lush oasis few are privy to enter. The city was built around the oasis to help protect the mortal spirits from humans and other spirits alike. The dark spirits of the north are drawn not only to the people of the tribe but the great spirits they protect. When Avatar Szeto brought peace to the Fire Nation, there was less misfortune of war to attract dark spirits outside the poles._  
  
 _It was not the peace that the tribesmen resented Szeto for, not in the least. He was the Avatar, after all, bringing harmony to the world was his purpose. The Northern Tribe still had every reason to resent Szeto turning a blind eye to the rest of the world. They sent several envoys to Szeto to take measures against an increase in dark spirit attacks. Water Tribe historians and sages had records of past Avatars using ice or earth to block the spirit gateway and keep dark spirits at bay._  
  
 _The journey through the spirit forest was arduous and once one enters in, they can be tricked into walking right back out. Even if one manages to avoid tricks to make them leave, they still need to_ find _the gateway. History said an Avatar once spent two years lost in the spirit forest._  
  
 _Avatar Szeto could not take that risk with the tentative unity of the new Fire Nation. He feared his work in bringing the fire clans together would fall apart without him to help advise and mediate between the lords. Thus, he promised to venture into the spirit forest once the Fire Nation settled._  
  
 _However, time moves differently for us mortals and for spirits. Once peace is established in our world, the pendulum of order and chaos does not immediately swing the other way in the spirit world. The first dark spirit attacked decades after the Water Tribe entreated Avatar Szeto to reinforce the gateway. It was easily defeated by the warriors of the tribe. Avatar Szeto claimed to know more than the Water Tribe sages and assured the chief no more spirits nor stronger spirits would plague the tribe._  
  
 _To Avatar Szeto, the risk of leaving the Fire Nation was still higher than that of dark spirits ravaging the Water Tribes. It was, perhaps, a gamble that would have worked in his favor if not for the timing of his death. The dark spirits were starting to increase in strength and frequency near the end of Avatar Szeto's life. Rather than using the last years of his time to journey in the spirit forests, Avatar Szeto took another gamble that the spirits would be quiet until his successor came into their power._  
  
 _Until_ **I** _came into my power._  
  
 _Perhaps the largest insult to the Water Tribes was how he learned how to heal from his southern teacher. Healing was never traditionally part of the Avatar's education, for it is a subset of waterbending that depends not on skill, but mindset. A master waterbender could never come to learn how to heal with their element. It requires a deep knowledge of the human body, but also the empathy to connect with one's patient._  
  
 _Avatar Szeto had the ability to learn healing, but his empathy was never extended to those who helped him heal his home nation._  
  
 _In my youth and inexperience, I also resented my predecessor for his actions (or perhaps, inactions) with the Water Tribes. I still do not approve of Avatar Szeto's decisions, however I can understand better why he made them. For as powerful and trusted the Avatar is, we are still human. Humans make mistakes, fall prey to selfish desires, can lie to themselves about their mistakes and their selfishness._  
  
 _It took me many years to come to this understanding of my predecessor, but it took me no time to swear to make up for his mistakes._

Wind whipped around Zuko as if he stood on the deck of the _Sazanami_ in the middle of a storm. The sandbenders that guided the sand sailers to the tribe had impressed Zuko, but the pace they had set was lethargic compared to the breakneck speed Ghashiun led them across the dunes. Ghashiun seemed determined to whip the swirling sands by the sail fast enough to lift them off the ground. It was exhilarating.   
  
The rush of wind made it difficult to chat, but Sarnai surprisingly did not seem put off by the lack of conversation. They were content to sit at the helm of the sailer and let the wind buffet them as they steered. Once the sun started to descend, Sarnai ripped off their protective outer layers and beamed up at the sky as their hair whipped out behind them. Their smile was so _bright_. Zuko had to tear his gaze away from the beaming teen, his purpose was to look for the library, not marvel at someone else's unrepentant joy.   
  
Ghashiun stopped them for the night when the last touches of sunlight disappeared behind the horizon and their only light came from the pale moon steadily rising. He erected a quick sand structure for the group, then collapsed inside with instructions to wake him when dinner was ready. Zuko glanced at Sarnai warily, they always raised complaints when Ghashiun ordered them around in the tribe.   
  
"Oh don't give me that look," Sarnai said with a laugh. They opened the storage under the helm to unload their supplies. "He's rude as hell, but he deserves a nap as we set up camp."  
  
Earthbending, and sandbending as an extension, did not draw directly from the bender's energy as firebending did. Regardless, the concentration and constant movement needed to control the whirlwind of sand all day understandably exhausted Ghashiun. Endurance was not a trait that lent itself to firebending and Zuko doubted any firebender would be capable of maintaining a flame as long as Ghashiun had his sands.  
  
"Why don't you two switch bending duty?" Zuko asked as he helped Sarnai secure leather tarps over the small shelter. For as hot as the desert was, it could get cold in the dead of night without insulation to keep heat contained in the sandy structures.   
  
In the soft moonlight, Zuko couldn't discern Sarnai's expression from the other side of the shelter. They laughed and latched the leather to the hardened sand before coming around next to Zuko, shaking their head. "Hui, when have you ever seen me bend?"  
  
That- That was something Zuko hadn't put a lot of thought into. He figured Sarnai was just a weak bender, or maybe didn't care about practicing. Their lack of performing bending never made Zuko think they _couldn't_ bend.   
  
"But, no one treats you like you're a nonbender! I haven't been here long, but I already know how much the tribe respects you. And your father acts like _you're_ the one that's going to take over after him."  
  
Sarnai stared at him. He could see them clearly now that they were closer, but he could not for the life of him understand what their furrowed brows and slight agape jaw were supposed to express. Slowly, Sarnai shook their head and gestured to the supply packs.   
  
"Okay, we're going to put this conversation on hold and get dinner cooking."  
  
This was going to be a _conversation_? Zuko tried not to dwell on the growing sense of dread as he helped Sarnai build a fire and prepare the group's meal. As the rice cooked, Sarnai settled across the fire with a stern expression.  
  
Recent past _conversations_ had left Zuko reeling and questioning his worldview. Surely anything Sarnai had to say couldn't be worse than the confusing guilt he felt after Bun Ma explained an entire town had been afraid of him for being Fire Nation, or the righteous anger he felt when Ju Long explained the prejudices experienced in the Fire Nation colonies.   
  
"So, are nonbenders looked down upon in the colonies, or is this something personal?"  
  
"I'm not looking down on you!" Zuko exclaimed, only realizing _now_ how Sarnai must have taken his reaction. They annoyed and baffled Zuko sometimes with their relentless curiosity, but Zuko didn't want Sarnai thinking he thought less of them for something out of their control. "I was just surprised. I mean, bending is so integral to your tribe and your trade business. And your father is a strong sandbender. I'd understand if he were disappointed- Not that I'm saying he should! I mean- It would make sense if nonbenders were viewed as useless- No, that's not what I mean. Oh spirits, what I want to say is I'm _glad_ you're respected and treated well by your tribe. I was surprised, but a good kind of surprised!"  
  
Silence settled over the pair and, for once, Zuko _wanted_ Sarnai to go rattling off on one of their tangents. Of course this was the one time when they kept their ideas in their head instead of sharing their whole thought process. The crackle of the fire enticed Zuko to focus on the flames rather than try to poorly read Sarnai's reaction. He wanted to meditate with his egg and forget he ever opened his stupid mouth.  
  
"Hui, are your family benders?"  
  
Zuko looked up from the fire, unsure how to answer. The focus of building his cover story as Huizhong was more on knowledge about the colonies and passion for academia than on the details of his family history. It hadn't seemed important outside of what was already established on the fly when he and Uncle met Professor Euna. Huizhong's mother had been an academic interested in Avatar Yangchen and Uncle was still Uncle.   
  
In drilling him on how to behave undercover, Major Hifumi had encouraged him to lie as little as possible. The more truthful he was, the easier it would be to keep his story straight. Less is more, had been Bun Ma's advice. Sometimes giving the bare minimum of information was better than going into detail.   
  
So Zuko hoped he wasn't making a grievous mistake that would jeopardize his whole library expedition as he shrugged and said, "Yeah. For the most part."  
  
Sarnai nodded, as if they were expecting his answer. "Is your father a strong bender?"  
  
A startled laugh pushed its way out of his throat. _Strong_ was an understatement. Father was unparalleled, unrivaled. His hand twitched with the desire to cover his face, but Zuko clenched it in his lap.   
  
"I suppose you could say that," he said.  
  
"He didn't like that you weren't a strong bender like him, did he?"  
  
Zuko's breath hitched. That had always been Zuko's problem, hadn't it? He wasn't strong enough. Had _never_ been strong enough for Father. Zuko was a disappointment, a failure of a son and heir. Even if he found the Avatar, Zuko still needed to get stronger before Father truly could welcome him back.  
  
"Is your uncle the same?"  
  
The question jerked Zuko out of his spiral thoughts. "What, of course not," he exclaimed. Sure, Uncle was a powerful bender and had once been a revered military might, but Uncle didn't _care_ about that. It was easy to forget at times, but Zuko knew Uncle was, for some unfathomable reason, _proud_ of Zuko.  
  
"Ah, well _I'm_ glad to hear that." Sarnai smiled. Their gaze was soft with the flames flickering in the reflection of their bright, gray eyes. "Being a nonbender isn't something to be ashamed of, or makes you worth any less than a bender. I don't have to bend the sands to be a good leader or have a way with numbers. Someone has to have their hands free and focus on steering sand sailers, so again I don't _have_ to sandbend to be useful. Ghashiun is a bender and rather useless outside of that, but no one holds that against him. So why should anyone hold the opposite against me?"  
  
Sarnai laughed at the expense of their brother, but shook off their mirth to pin Zuko under a fierce stare. "But even if I didn't have an interest in Dad's business or was an awful navigator, I wouldn't have to be _useful_ to be accepted by the tribe, to be _loved_ by my family."  
  
Zuko nodded slowly, resisting the urge to squirm under Sarnai's gray gaze. There was something in their eyes beseeching something of Zuko, and he was afraid to figure out what it was. His stomach twisted, his throat felt tight, but he ignored it all to smile.   
  
"Good to know. Sorry for the misunderstanding."   
  
Several heavy seconds passed between them, then Sarnai broke their scrutiny to laugh and pull the pot off the fire. "Don't fret about it. You didn't know any better, but now you do. Now tell me, how was riding with Ghashiun for the first time? He's dumb as hell, but if he isn't the best at driving a sand sailer!"  
  
The light atmosphere brought a genuine smile out of Zuko as he happily dove into the topic of Ghashiun's sand sailer techniques. The squirming, uncomfortable feelings the conversation elicited were easy to push away and forget about. There were no words to those feelings, and Zuko never wanted to try to find them.

_The Avatar State_  
  
 _The Spirit Lights Festival of the Northern Water Tribe is a phenomenal annual event. Despite increasing dark spirit activity, the tribe was no less reverent of the spirits. Every year, at the height of winter, peaceful spirits illuminate the sky over the pole with colorful streaks of light. The duration of the lights changes from year to year; the longer the lights grace the sunless sky, the more auspicious the coming year is predicted to be. It is the time of year when the people of the Water Tribe make peace with the year prior, celebrate their accomplishments, and cherish those closest to them._  
  
 _I was delighted to take part in the traditions, but it was bittersweet anticipation. I was nearing a year since joining the Water Tribe, a year since I last saw Akari. More than anything, I wished I could celebrate the spirit lights with her. Of course, I expressed this desire to Akari and really should have expected the outcome of that._  
  
 _Faster than any of Akari's responses, her letter arrived with the promise to be following not far behind it. Looking back, I'm surprised she hadn't come barging into the Water Tribe sooner. My letter was likely the final push on her self-restraint. Thankfully, the chief was open to a surprise guest, and I spoke enough about my friendship with Akari that Siniq and Tarkik were excited to meet her._  
  
 _They, as was I, were curious how Akari expected to make it in time for the festival. With the fastest ships, the journey from the Fire Nation to the North Pole was still much too far to make it before the spirit lights went out. I entertained the idea that, perhaps, Akari beseeched some of my airbender friends to take her on their flying bison, but it was difficult to believe Akari would be there in time. But Akari's letter was confident in her arrival, even implied there was a possibility she could arrive faster than the letter._  
  
 _Then early the following morning, mild panic raised through the city when a large dragon was spotted offshore by fishermen._  
  
 _Somehow, within a year separated from my impossible best friend, I had forgotten how_ dramatic _Akari was. Of course she would show up riding a dragon to the North Pole. How I could have possibly thought otherwise was beyond me. Even more surprising than Akari's dragon though were the intricate spirals of flames tattooed on her palms and hidden beneath her clothes over heart._  
  
 _Dreams of the fire and air people continued to visit Akari through the years after our disastrous attempt to find ruins of the civilization. There was never enough to renew our search, but the occasional flash of a culture lost to history kept Akari hooked on the desire to connect to her possible ancestors. We had discussed the possible fire mastery tattoos she saw in her dreams. Our discussions turned to research as they often did. We dug into the tradition of air mastery tattoos and the lack of similar traditions in other cultures. She said in passing how she liked the idea of adorning her skin with proof of her accomplishments._  
  
 _Akari never indicated her intentions to recreate the fire mastery tattoos from her dreams. But more pressing at the time was the fact she had_ fire mastery tattoos _. Somehow Akari had managed to keep her mastery a secret until she could surprise me with it. It made her presence at the Spirit Lights Festival all the more special. Not only was I able to cherish our friendship, but I was able to celebrate her achievement under the spirit lights as well._  
  
 _Tarkik and Siniq fell for Akari's charm almost instantly, at least once they got over the shock that my best friend was Princess of the Fire Nation Akari. (I was scolded on all sides about my negligence in mentioning Akari's royal status. I was still sorely ignorant in the ways of politics and never thought it was worth mentioning, for Akari being a princess held little weight in our friendship.) I was delighted my new and old friends got along so well, and we spent the majority of the festival in each other's company._  
  
 _The idea of seeing the spirit lights with Akari had nothing on the reality of it. We would later return to celebrate the Festival with Siniq and Tarkik (and later with Huizhong as well) as often as we could. No matter how many times we witnessed the ethereal dance of colored lights in the dark winter sky, Akari's unbridled awe and joy never diminished. The way I was enraptured by the beauty of her joy never dwindled either. Akari's golden eyes always drew me in, but the reflection of the spirit lights made me helpless to the pull of her eyes. My favorite way to view the spirit lights was how they danced with Akari's golden-hued wonder._  
  
 _Unfortunately, our first year celebrating the festival was cut short by an unprecedented attack. Not since ancient records had there ever been more than one dark spirit to trouble the Water Tribe city at a time. The good fortune of a fourth day of spirit lights was overshadowed by the blight of three dark spirits appearing._  
  
 _Siniq had finally started training me on how to fight spirits after the reveal about Avatar Szeto, but this group were the first opponents to arise since such training began. I was as ready as I could ever be, but also daunted by a challenge that even Tarkik and Siniq were unprepared for._  
  
 _The three of us alone were not enough for the same number of spirits. Siniq and Tarkik fought tooth and nail together against one! Every able bodied warrior was called upon to help defend the city, and Akari included herself in those numbers. There was no time to dissuade her from fighting. Regardless of time, I never would have been able to stop Akari from doing something she set her mind to, especially when it meant helping--protecting--others._  
  
 _ ~~She's always~~ She was always so reckless. I hate her for it as much as I love her for it. I wouldn't have changed her for the world, even if she would still be by my side once more instead of existing only in these memories. _  
  
_In the course of that fight, I watched Akari get injured while trying to protect me for the first time. I wish it had been the only time. Seeing her hurt, in pain, in danger to keep me safe made me feel helpless, furious, determined. I called upon my predecessor, the one to blame for Akari ever being put in harm's way._  
  
 _It was a winter of firsts. The surge of emotions I experienced pulled me into the Avatar State, or perhaps more accurately, pulled Avatar Szeto's spirit to the forefront. With him in control of my body, he not only sent the dark spirits back to their world, but took a step toward repairing his reputation with the Water Tribe. In a great show of the Avatar's power, Szeto traveled across the pole's tundra with his airbending to the spirit forest that housed the gateway in a matter of minutes. He summoned the earth buried deep beneath the snow and ice at the apex of the north pole to surround the forest in towering walls that resembled the jagged caldera of the Fire Nation Capital City._  
  
 _I remember none of the actions Avatar Szeto took while in my body. When I woke, it was to Akari pale and about to collapse from injury, righteously scolding Avatar Szeto. Only Akari would scold a past Avatar spirit after they saved a city only because they exhausted me. She would scold me now too if she knew how maudlin I am becoming as I write._  
  
 _Thanks to Avatar Szeto, the barrier around the spirit forest helped curb the dark spirits against Agna Qel'a for many years to come. It gave me the time to complete my training and come into myself as the Avatar before tackling such a daunting quest as the one to block the spirit gateway would be._  
  
 _While the Northern Water Tribe has never come to forgive Avatar Szeto for his negligence, they have let go of their hatred through the years as I continued the work of fixing his past mistakes._  
  
 _I can only hope I do not leave a legacy of regret for my own successor._  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sarnai and ghashiun: typical obnoxious siblings  
> zuko: shocked pikachu meme
> 
> digging in (ha) to the sandbender stuff is so much fun and we're just getting started >:) more worldbuilding and OG Huizhong's introduction to come in the next chapter!!! cant wait~
> 
> But-- we are gonna wait lol. I'll likely be done with the next chapter while working on nano, but imma hold off till I'm finished with everything! Didn't write anything new today bc I was busy editing this chapter... so whomp! 
> 
> thank you all for your lovely comments and sharing your thoughts <333 they really motivate me !! as always feel free to hmu on twitter @starofjems or tumblr @redriot !


	3. Apologies and Friendships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nanowrimo is finished and--- this fic is two scenes away from also being finished lmaooo i really was playing myself hoping i could start the next part after this one, but its fine bc i love how this installment has turned out!!!
> 
> thank you as always to my lovely jana and to you lovely folks <333
> 
> hope you enjoy this chapter!!!

_Waterbending Mastery_   
  
_A year and a half after beginning my journey as a waterbender, Tarkik declared I reached a proficiency that would no longer grow under his tutelage. My growth would come from my own experiences and application of all he taught me. I was finally qualified to undergo my waterbending mastery trial._   
  
_With a group of fellow young waterbenders, I underwent the traditional Water Tribe test of survival. We were all of similar age, but at the beginning, they had not been my peers. I was the Avatar, after all. They were of split opinions, some wanting to elect me as the leader of our expedition and others disgruntled with my mere presence. By the end of the week, the pressure of the test bonded us together not only as peers but as lifelong friends. We were a proud and solid community by the time the chief and test administrators arrived to gauge our success. The Waterbending Mastery Class of the 17th year of air was awarded the title of waterbending masters, myself included._   
  
_Akari had been waiting for me through the duration of the trial, and I was greeted back into the city with an enthusiastic hug and her proud cheers. The revelry continued into the night as the entirety of Agna Qel'a celebrated our passing. It doubled as a farewell party, for Boma had scheduled my departure from the North Pole a mere few days after. He was certain I would pass and had been corresponding with the Earth Kingdom since the trial's date had been decided._   
  
_Just as my farewells from home had been bittersweet, so was my departure from the North Pole. I had come to love Agna Qel'a and the surrounding tundra. It had been my home for the past year and a half, I despaired to be leaving already. And yet, I was equally excited to continue my journey as the Avatar, to learn earthbending, and to hopefully find another home in the Earth Kingdom._   
  
_With promises from Tarkik and Siniq to try to visit me, as well as the assurance Akari and I would at least return for the Spirit Lights Festival, I left the North Pole for the next leg of my path as the Avatar._

The mountains lining the Si Wong desert were bountiful with minerals and rare stones. People of the Qilian tribe traveled along the mountain range, mining these deposits and refining them into something valuable. Their bending was more like the traditional earthbending, but the Qilian still considered themselves sandbenders. Seeing Qilian craftspeople at work, there would be no doubt as to why they claimed the title.   
  
Zuko sat, mesmerized as the sandbender manipulated molten sand. The bender's assistant kept close watch on the furnace built into the mountainside. Slowly, the sand lost the definition of grains, morphing together into one glowing red substance. Glass. They made _glass_ with sandbending. It was impressive to watch, and even more impressive were the intricately designed items inlaid with mined gemstones. Zuko couldn't help but wonder how the process could change if a sandbender had a firebender to control the flames...  
  
"Are you going to watch them work all day?" Sarnai asked behind him, amusement clear in their voice despite the accusing words.  
  
The craftspeople laughed and the one tending the fire called out, "You were no better when you first saw glasswork, Sarnai!"  
  
"It's cool!" Sarnai agreed easily, dropping next to Zuko on the ground. "You're welcome to stay and watch the rest of the day, if that's what you want, but I know you wanted to look for some plants to make more of your sun cream. Nana said she'll help you out."  
  
That _was_ something important. Zuko only had enough sun cream to last him a month, so he would have to make more sooner or later. But he had let Sarnai try some of it on the journey to the Si Wong. They marveled at how well it worked and wanted a pot of their own. Their enthusiasm spread to the tribe and Sha-Mo offered to cut the cost of Zuko's board and stay if he mixed a sizable portion of the cream. Anything to help offset the funds Zuko took for this expedition was worth exploring. As much as he would like to continue watching the glassmaking process, Zuko couldn't be wasting his time.  
  
Ghashiun had pushed them to arrive to the Qilian tribe the previous evening. Apparently, Sarnai and Ghashiun's grandmother had settled down with the Qilian when the laborious lifestyle of the Xitao grew too much for her aged body. The siblings' grandmother, who refused to be called anything other than Nana, warmly welcomed them and had immediately given them a space to rest in her home. After a day to recover and load up a trade shipment, the group would be heading back out.  
  
Zuko thought Ghashiun and Sarnai would want to spend a few days with Nana, but they were on a deadline to deliver the Qilian goods for the Xitao's next shipment outside the desert. No one had told Zuko the compromise for accommodating a roundabout travel route to look for the library was to shorten Ghashiun and Sarnai's time with their grandmother. He felt guilty, then mad at himself because he had made a deal with Sha-Mo. It should make him pleased to be accommodated! All of the new and interesting experiences and information of the Si Wong made it easy to lose sight of his purpose for being here.  
  
"That was kind of her. I'd appreciate someone knowledgeable with the area. My teacher told me what plants I could use to replicate my recipe, but I haven't actually seen them in person."  
  
Along the mountains, the temperature showed signs of following the seasons. It was still hot, but not as oppressive a heat as it was amongst the sand dunes. The sun was no less strong, however. Nana lectured Sarnai to protect themself from the sun and cover up between the stories she shared with Zuko as they foraged.   
  
"But Nana! I can hardly enjoy the breeze all bundled up!" That or some variation of the phrase was always Sarnai's petulant reply. Nana huffed and shook her head, muttering about 'wind-touched,' and letting Sarnai do as they pleased until she decided it was time to lecture them again. The dynamic was strange, but Zuko had come to expect abnormal behavior from this family.   
  
Baskets laden with enough plants to make a year's worth of sun cream, Nana led the way down the mountain back to the Qilian camp. As they made their way, a strong gust of wind pushed at their backs. Sarnai laughed and spun around with the breeze, nearly spilling the contents of their basket. Nana's sharp bark to be careful did little to dampen their delight.   
  
"It's amazing you are able to brush all that out," Zuko said with a small laugh at the mess of Sarnai's tangled hair. "Is that why your grandmother calls you wind-touched?"  
  
"What? Oh-" Sarnai shook their head with a laugh. "No, it just has something to do with an old belief in the tribes, that's all."  
  
They didn't elaborate and Zuko wasn't sure if he should ask. He wanted to. What sort of old belief? It sounded like an interesting story... Did it have something to do with Professor Zei's dual-bending society theory? Maybe the sandbenders had legends about the flying rodent Professor Zei had shown Zuko. Curiosity compelled him to ask more, but if _Sarnai_ wasn't offering up a story, then it wasn't something to share. Zuko bit back his questions.   
  
While stories about the wind-touched weren't freely shared, Nana and Sarnai were more than happy to regal Zuko with tales of spirits and sandbenders of old as they helped him grind and mix ingredients. Somehow this veered into Zuko reciting _Love Amongst Dragons_ for them, much to Sarnai's astonished admiration. They demanded Zuko recite all the plays he had memorized for them before he found Wan Shi Tong's library. Zuko committed a lot of plays to memory, so he hoped he didn't have to finish reciting everything.  
  
Nana was was also impressed with his rendition of _Love Amongst Dragons_. So impressed, she insisted he accept one of her glasswork pieces in exchange for it. No matter his protest that him reciting a play was no different than Nana sharing a story from her tribe, Nana refused to let him turn her offer down.  
  
"A craft for a craft," she said, pushing him into her workshop to choose from her wares.   
  
Zuko hoped to find something small to appease her, but bright orange and red glass caught his eye. His feet carried him to the shelves erected into the sand walls to stare at the beautiful piece of glass. It was undoubtedly a blade, but it was quite thin and the end of the hilt flared out as if it were flames. He could imagine it adorning a top knot.   
  
"Not really your style, I think," Sarnai said, sliding up next to him to inspect the knife. "Nana likes to make pretty, concealed weapons. They sell well with Fire Nation buyers. This one works best as a hairpin. Do they wear stuff like this in the colonies?"  
  
"I suppose. There's plenty of concealed weapons, but I've never seen a glass blade before." It was truly beautiful and definitely worth way more than giving a poor one-man performance of _Love Amongst Dragons_. He really should keep looking to please Nana and not take advantage of her generosity. Yet, Zuko couldn't seem to be able to move away. "It'd suit... someone I know."  
  
Sarnai grinned. "Yeah? Have a girlfriend back at home you haven't told me about?"  
  
"What? No!" Zuko willed away the heat filling his cheek. As much as Azula teased him and Mai, they weren't going out! He hadn't even been _thinking_ about Mai. Although she would probably enjoy something like this too... "My sister, actually. I don't know if she wants to hear from me, though, let alone get a random gift from me. "  
  
For a moment, Sarnai stared at him in silence. Zuko shrugged and turned away from the glasswork. It was a silly thought, and _besides_ , he was trying to find something small. A tug on his elbow pulled Zuko around to face the shelf once more.   
  
"If my brother was across the world, I would want to hear from him. And you know how annoyed I get with him. But he's still my brother and it would make me happy to know he was thinking of me while we were apart." Sarnai smiled brightly and called back into the main house. "Nana! Hui found what he wants!"  
  
There was no arguing with Sarnai of all people. Soon, Zuko was the owner of the beautiful hair piece blade. In the sunlight, the orange and red swirls shimmered like real flames. It wasn't like he _had_ to send it to Azula. No matter how much Sarnai's words made him want to.

_Earthbending Master_   
  
_My friendship with Akari had never been a secret. The Fire Nation was well aware their Crown Princess' best friend was an airbender. In our youth we ran amok across the entire nation on Akari's whims and met plenty of commonfolk along the way. Where I neglected to disclose Akari's status as a princess out of ignorance, Akari purposefully kept "Yangchen her friend" and "Yangchen the Avatar" separate in the eyes of the Fire Nation. She understood the other nations would react poorly to Avatar Szeto's successor having close ties to the Fire Nation from such an early age._   
  
_I did not know it at the time, but it was this reasoning that kept Akari from rushing off to visit me at the North Pole sooner. It was only after my friendship with Tarkik and Siniq was well-established that she allowed herself to do as she pleased and rode a dragon on a whim to join a festival. The rest of the world heard of my close relationship with the children of the Water Tribe chief long before they heard whispers of my childhood friendship with the Fire Nation crown princess. In the eyes of public opinion, this somehow lessened the blow of my first close friend being a prominent Fire Nation political figure._   
  
_The ramifications of my high profile friendships were something I struggled to grasp in my naive youth. During our flight to Ba Sing Se, Boma tried his best to explain how this had influenced the selection of both my teacher and where I would stay for the duration of my training. Unlike the Southern and Northern Water Tribes, the various city-states in the Earth Kingdom did not have an easy method of taking turns who would get to train the Avatar. Instead, the nobles of the Earth Kingdom began bartering and petitioning each other for the 'privilege' of hosting the next Avatar's training as soon as Avatar Szeto had passed._   
  
_How they managed to bicker amongst themselves for close to seventeen years before coming to an agreement is beside me, even now with my better understanding of the entangled web that is the Earth Kingdom's bureaucracy._   
  
_Boma explained how the Water Tribe had provided Master Adlartok as my teacher with the intentions of gaining my loyalty through a superior education. As the winner of the bid to host me, Ba Sing Se did not have similar intentions. They appointed a master earthbender, of course, but had selected the best political option, rather than the most experienced teacher._   
  
_Huizhong was merely two years my senior and I would be her first pupil. She was as close as the Earth Kingdom could get to competing with the heirs of the Northern Water Tribe and the Fire Nation. None of the kings hoping to host me had heirs suitable for instructing the Avatar. Either their children fell outside of my age range, or they were not prestigious enough earthbenders. While not related to the king of Ba Sing Se by blood, Huizhong's family had close ties to the royal line. The king was like an uncle to Huizhong; his young children adored her. She was also an earthbending prodigy, having surpassed her master at the age of thirteen._   
  
_Everything Boma shared came with the warning to not fall prey to the likely attempts to curry my political favor. Just as stern of a warning was to not go behind Huizhong's back and find a new teacher should we clash as I did with Master Adlartok._   
  
_Boma's warnings could not quell my excitement for an earthbender instructor around my age. I didn't care about the politics in play with her nomination. Indeed, when we first met, everything Boma said escaped me. I was already prepared to befriend Huizhong, but I was not prepared for our first meeting. No one is ever prepared to meet Huizhong for the first time._   
  
_Artistic interpretations of Huizhong will never give due justice to her ethereal beauty. She stole the breath and gaze of any who passed her. I was no less immune to her alluring presence when we first met. ~~To this day~~ Even in recent memory, she would still tease me about how I stood slack-jawed and unable to speak when we were introduced. I must insist she exaggerated greatly at my expense, and I was only a little flustered._   
  
_How could I have not been in the face of Huizhong?_   
  
_Perfectly coiffed, dark curls framed her equally dark and perfect face. The sun made her skin glow and drew attention to the vibrant hues of her delicate makeup. From the cheerful yellow decorating her eyelids, I was pulled into her entrancing gaze. Just as the first sprout of green draws one's attention in a forest, so did Huizhong's deep green eyes hold me in admiration. She smiled at me with her carefully painted lips and only then did I remember to breathe. I grew up beside a princess, and yet I had never met anyone so effortlessly elegant._   
  
_I was a foolish young woman and wrote, I believe, exactly that comparison to Akari in my letter about my first week with my new teacher. It was perhaps the best and worst thing I could have done for the events that would come to pass. But I digress, as I had several months to get to know Huizhong before Akari came whirling into Ba Sing Se._   
  
_Huizhong was everything I could have wished for in an earthbending teacher. I struggled with my opposing element, and she was so kind in helping me work through my theological block on earthbending. She never lost her temper nor expressed dismay as I continued to fail under her instructions. I was frustrated with myself, but never fell into the despair I felt when struggling under Master Adlartok._   
  
_When we weren't toiling away trying to make an earthbender out of me, Huizhong graciously guided me through the endless streets of Ba Sing Se. Every day, I managed to experience something new and unknown to me. It was so exciting, and Huizhong's pleasant company made my exploration all the more delightful._   
  
_For all the time we spent together, I felt as if I hardly knew Huizhong. She was kind, patient, elegant, and yet that seemed to be all I knew about her. I would have suspected her to be shy if not for how often we spoke. Huizhong said so much without saying anything at all. I began to suspect Huizhong was only entertaining my whims and was being polite in accompanying me around the city._   
  
_When I confided in Boma about this fear, he assured me that Huizhong's detached, polite attitude was common in courts. But, I grew up with a princess who had never acted in such a way. His assurances only drove my fear deeper. I wrote to Akari, hoping her perspective could shed some light to my misgivings about Huizhong._   
  
_Akari certainly shed light on everything, and left a smoking trail in her wake._

Sha-Mo awaited them at the edge of the Xitao camp. Any hope Zuko had for this being a normal way for him to welcome his children home was dashed when Sarnai cursed loudly.   
  
"Ghashiun, what did you _do_? Or maybe _didn't_ do? Did you skimp out on a chore before we left?"  
  
The sand sailer slowed drastically as Ghashiun turned to his sibling. "Fuck you Sarnai. It's not _always_ something I did. Maybe you did something to piss him off. Hiding any wild animals in your room again?"  
  
"No! Not on purpose, at least?"   
  
As they grew closer, Ghashiun groaned. "That's his lecture face. Seriously, I can't think of anything I could have done to earn that. It has to be you."  
  
"I didn't do anything either!" Sarnai gasped as they whipped around to stare at Zuko, a manic glee shining out of the shadows of their head wrap. "You! I bet it was you! You left your letter to your uncle with him, right? Yeah, you're the one in trouble."  
  
Ghashiun turned to face Zuko as well with a smug grin. "Well if I didn't do anything and Sarnai didn't do anything, it only makes sense it would be you."  
  
Zuko's stomach dropped as Ghashiun picked up the speed of his sandbending again. Wait, _what_? Oh Agni. He couldn't remember what he'd written to Uncle, but there was no way Zuko had been dumb enough to write something incriminating. What if it wasn't something Zuko did, but _Uncle_. Was Uncle okay? Did his cover get blown, and Zuko's by extension? How did Sha-Mo find out so quickly? How was Zuko going to escape to help Uncle if he was compromised?  
  
There was nowhere to run in the middle of the desert in the midst of sandbenders. Zuko tried to quell his rising panic and hope for the best. The best never happened for him. His good luck charm from the Summer Solstice was on the Sazanami, but maybe it would work long distance.   
  
As Ghashiun and Sarnai guided the sand sailer to a gentle stop next to their father, Sha-Mo didn't try to restrain or attack Zuko. That was a good sign, right? The chief didn't look angry or upset, just stern. Ghashiun called it a lecture face, and Zuko could see that. Maybe Sha-Mo decided something about their agreement was off? Had Zuko cheated him at something?  
  
"Huizhong, I sent off your letter with one of our shipments," he said after exchanging pleasantries with his children. Zuko nodded in thanks, and Sha-Mo continued speaking. "There was a letter waiting for you at our trading post. And for _me_."  
  
Oh.   
  
Oh no.   
  
"From my uncle, I presume?" Zuko asked, hoping his voice didn't sound as shaky as he felt. He had told Uncle to write Sha-Mo, so it wasn't a _surprise_ there had been a letter for the chief... But from Sha-Mo's demeanor, Uncle's letter hadn't been a pleasant one. "Um, I apologize if he wrote something that upset you-"  
  
"It is not the contents of your uncle's letter you need to apologize for." Sha-Mo crossed his arms, the very image of disappointment. "Part of our agreement was your uncle agreeing with everything. I took your word at face value when you claimed to have spoken with him and gained his approval. And now I've learned my trust was misplaced, as you not only didn't get his approval, but you didn't even _speak_ with him before leaving."  
  
Darkness pushed into the edges of Zuko's vision as dread started to set in. He knew Uncle would be unhappy with him running off, but he didn't think Uncle would go so far as to undermine Zuko's expedition! Was Sha-Mo going to call off their agreement? Would he bring Zuko to the desert edge or leave him to fend for himself? Did Uncle want him back after this? A loud laugh pulled Zuko out of his rapid spiral into panic.   
  
"Damn, didn't know you had the balls for that, kid." Ghashiun looked oddly _proud_ of the turn of events.   
  
Sarnai smacked his arm, but flashed Zuko an impressed grin. "Aren't you a little rebel."  
  
"Your commentary is unwelcome right now," Sha-Mo said to his children, all while not breaking eye contact with Zuko. "Go unload the sailer."  
  
"Aw, but Dad-"  
  
" _Now_."  
  
The siblings whined, but moved to do as their father said as they complained. Their interruption had saved Zuko from falling completely apart, but Sha-Mo's heavy hand on his shoulder put him right back on the edge. His breath caught. This was it, this was the end of everything. He was never going to find the library, or the Avatar. Never going to go back home and-  
  
"Let's take this inside. I have your uncle's letter for you, as well." Sha-Mo's gaze was surprisingly soft as he guided Zuko through the tribe to his home. "I think perhaps you should read it before we continue our conversation."   
  
That was another good sign, right? Zuko took it as a good sign, if only so he could breathe again. More good signs kept panic at bay. Sha-Mo let him clean up from the journey before they continued talking. A small meal awaited Zuko in the main room. The visible disappointment was gone, and Sha-Mo just looked tired. He didn't say anything as Zuko ate. Maybe everything wasn't ruined?  
  
Sha-Mo pushed Uncle's letter across the table once Zuko finished his meal. Forcing his hands to _not_ shake, Zuko unrolled the paper.  
  
' _Nephew,_  
  
 _I am_ extremely _cross with you. Do you have any idea how terrified I was when I woke to you gone? I thought the worst. It was incredibly selfish of you to leave without consideration of how my poor old heart would take your sudden absence. You are an intelligent young man, and I'm sure you weighed your options before coming to the decision you did. I take some blame for evidently failing in your education for you to have come to the conclusion your decisions were reasonable. I have several points to make clear in this letter, and hopefully they will shed light on where your rationale has fallen short._  
  
 _Firstly, it was fortuitous for your new friendship to lead you toward our goals. However, there was no reason you could not have sent a messenger for me when you went to meet Chief Sha-Mo. In fact, at any point during your negotiations you could have sent for me. I do not know if you thought to be doing me a kindness in letting me sleep, but let me make it explicitly clear: I will always come to your assistance no matter the time or what I may be doing. Whether it is sleep or a previous obligation, your health and safety are my highest priority._  
  
 _Second, I hold no doubts in your capabilities and respect your independence. That said, you are still a child. Until you come of age, I will look after you as much as you look after yourself. This responsibility as your uncle is something I embrace and take pride in. Looking after you, and seeing you grow into a remarkable young man, is one of my life's greatest joys. You are capable of tending to yourself, do not believe I am trying to say otherwise. Simply because you are able to something does not mean you must do it on your own. As you have forced my hand on this, I cannot look after you myself as you explore the Si Wong. So you will accept that I have asked Chief Sha-Mo to act in my stead and support you where I cannot._  
  
 _Third, as I expressed, you are still a child. You should not be making decisions for the both of us without my input. I am unsure if it was arrogance or ignorance that led to you deciding I would be unfit for a journey into the desert. I would like to believe it was ignorance. Nephew, I may be getting on in the years and pounds, but I am not an invalid. I am sound of mind and body. There are many things I am capable of that you are unaware of. This is not due to deceit on my part, but due to your youth. You have not been in this world for long, dear nephew, and there is still much for you to learn about both the world and the people around you, including your family._  
  
 _Fourth, I love you. No matter how angry or upset I am with you, you are still my dear nephew. I will be seeing you before the winter solstice, library or not. With funds for two behind you, as well as your dedication to supporting the tribe during your stay, I'm sure Chief Sha-Mo could welcome you for however long it takes you to find the library. You are not going to stay with the Xitao for however long it takes. If you have not found the library a week before the winter solstice, I have asked Chief Sha-Mo to deliver you back to Gaoling and you will attempt this venture again at a future date with me._  
  
 _You are to write to me weekly, even if you cannot send your letters on a weekly basis. I wrote to Chief Sha-Mo what I have asked of you, and I hope he will enforce my wishes for me._  
  
 _I hope your search is successful, and I will see you before the winter solstice._  
  
 _Your Uncle._ '  
  
Tears burned Zuko's eyes and threatened to fall. How could a scolding feel so awful and good at the same time? It didn't make any sense. Zuko felt _terrible_ and yet... Happy? It was confusing and his chest ached with too many emotions to decipher. He pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes and tried to push the tears back. It was stupid to cry over this.   
  
Only once he was certain no tears would escape did Zuko look up from the paper to face Sha-Mo. The man's expression was still so _soft_. It was weird, but what else was new with these sandbenders.   
  
Zuko dropped his head to the floor in a bow. "I apologize for lying to you, sir. I didn't intend to disrespect our agreement with deception about my uncle's approval. I was eager to reach my objective and didn't fully think out the consequences of my choices. There's no excuse for my actions, I can only ask you to tolerate my transgressions and allow me to continue my search for Wan Shi Tong's library. If you feel an apology is not enough to earn your pardon, I accept any punishment you find necess-"  
  
Sha-Mo interrupted with a quiet request for Zuko to lift his head. Unsure, Zuko sat up to meet Sha-Mo's wry smile. "Huizhong, I believe the clear guilt you are feeling is enough punishment. I do not know exactly what your uncle wrote to you, but I have an idea. Will you be making the same mistakes again?"  
  
"No! No, I- I won't. I understand what I did wrong."  
  
Surely it wasn't this easy. Zuko had _lied_ to the chief of the tribe! He lied while making a business agreement! How could mere guilt satisfy Sha-Mo?  
  
"Well, then. I accept your apology and will hold you to your word that something like this won't happen again." Sha-Mo nodded to the room Zuko was sharing with Sarnai. "Now go write your uncle, so I can send it out with the next shipment. And then get some sleep. I'm sure you're exhausted."  
  
Zuko jumped to his feet, relief making him light-headed. "Um- Yes- Okay? Yes, Sir. Thank you!" With a deep bow, Zuko escaped to Sarnai's room. He felt like he was floating outside of his body after the turmoil of emotions he just went through. Somehow, everything was fine...  
  
But dread settled in his stomach anew. He had a month a half to find the desert before Uncle's deadline. He needed to find this library. Just this once, spirits, just this _once_ let Zuko be lucky.

_Fire meets Earth_  
  
 _When traveling by dragon, Ba Sing Se is a mere half day's journey from the Fire Nation capital. Unbeknownst to me, Boma had convinced Akari to refrain from visiting until I was settled with my new routine and new home. In Boma's mind, that meant she shouldn't distract me from my training until I had a solid grasp on earthbending. In Akari's mind, that meant waiting a few months._  
  
 _I was delighted when Akari started to visit every other week. There was so much in Ba Sing Se to share with her, and more I had yet to discover. At first, my excitement of regularly seeing Akari blinded me to what was happening right before me. By the third or fourth time Akari flew over, I noticed how she would try to dissuade Huizhong from spending time with us. It was rather strange. Akari relished in befriending anything and anyone. It had taken only a matter of hours before she'd declared Siniq and Tarkik were her new best friends. Why didn't she want to befriend Huizhong in the same way?_  
  
 _Huizhong waved off my concerns that she was being left out. She told me Akari was making up for lost time, since we seldom got to see each other while I was in the North Pole. Perhaps such an explanation made sense for someone else, but it didn't for Akari! I insisted Huizhong spend time with us, hoping that Akari would get over her weird behavior._  
  
 _Nevermind that I was still concerned if Huizhong liked_ me _or not. To me, no one was immune to Akari's charms. Of course Huizhong would adore her even if she were unsure about me. I still believe no one is immune to Akari's charms, but she has to direct those charms toward you for them to be effective._  
  
 _I quickly realized Akari did not want to be Huizhong's friend or even be friendly toward her. This was a side of my best friend I had never seen before. She was never outright cruel to Huizhong, but there was no denying her petty comments and the lengths she went to exclude Huizhong even when she was in our company._  
  
 _Huizhong's polite smiles and calm demeanor never broke, even in the face of Akari losing her temper in response to something innocuous Huizhong said. To be fair, I was ignorant to the biting ways courtly ladies could insult another while keeping their genteel veneer intact. All I saw was Akari blowing up on my kind earthbending teacher and missed how Huizhong gave as good as she got._  
  
 _(Huizhong loved to tease both of us for the misunderstanding on my part and how effortlessly she riled Akari up when Akari was the one picking fights.)_  
  
 _The more I defended Huizhong, the worse Akari treated her. We got in several arguments about her rude and mean behavior, and Akari kept coming back to words similar to what Boma shared when he'd first told me about Huizhong; her job wasn't just to teach me earthbending, but also to win my favor to benefit Ba Sing Se in the global political arena. According to Akari, I could never trust Huizhong because she would always be using me to further her own political standing. Since I couldn't trust her, I shouldn't be trying to befriend her. Nevertheless, I refused to let Akari dissuade me from spending time with Huizhong outside of earthbending practice._  
  
 _Everything finally came to a head when Akari appeared to watch one of my lessons. Coming without an invitation from my teacher was inappropriate enough, but then Akari started criticizing Huizhong. She said, in much cruder words, that it was no wonder I couldn't earthbend yet when Huizhong was too busy brownnosing to properly instruct me. Oh, I was furious with Akari. I immediately demanded she apologize, then cut my lesson short to have a much needed talk._  
  
 _I took no joy in the fight that ensued between us. Akari may have apologized in the moment, but she was not remorseful about her words. She was adamant that Huizhong wasn't as nice as I thought she was. I hadn't wanted to entertain Akari all the past times she made such a claim, but I had to understand what was driving my friend to act as she had been. And so she explained._  
  
 _For how often Akari popped into Ba Sing Se, I had never put much thought into how she spent her time while I was busy training. Occasionally she would drag me out to something new she discovered in the city, so I assumed she was always out exploring. Well, I was horribly wrong. Akari had been working her charms on the Ba Sing Se court. She regaled me with tales of Huizhong: how she didn't have any friends, how she lorded her good standing with the king and superior earthbending over her peers, how she was vicious and biting and had left many a girl in tears after crossing her, how she played political games so well that her bad reputation with girls her age would never hurt her._  
  
 _It should have been damning. Akari thought it was plenty to prove Huizhong was not worth my friendship. But, Akari had never seen Huizhong outside the political sphere. Despite my doubts about how Huizhong viewed me, my hopes for a close friendship were not unfounded. Pik and Pak adored Huizhong just as she did them, and they were impeccable judges of character. Sometimes, Huizhong would show me a part of the city that was clearly_ personal _, even if she never shared what made it special to her. There were plenty of small moments that pointed toward Huizhong wanting to be sincerely closer._  
  
 _Everything Akari disclosed about how the girls of the court perceived Huizhong filled the missing piece I needed to understand her. Huizhong wasn't shy, but she was cautious about opening up to me. She had lived such a lonely life, ostracized by her peers due to her family's high standing and advanced earthbending. Akari was the one to make the point that Earth Kingdom nobles were always playing a role, endlessly trying to please others to achieve their goals. And yet, she failed to notice that Huizhong didn't know how to stop playing her courtly part._  
  
 _Akari was lucky. She may have been born a princess, but she had been given a level of freedom that was unheard of in most courts. While she had to learn about politics, royal conduct, traditions and ceremonies, Akari never had to pretend to be anything she was not. The consequences for Akari doing as she pleased would not jeopardize her entire family's political standing; her family controlled the Fire Nation courts. The same could not be said for Huizhong and her responsibilities to her family._  
  
 _In sharing these realizations and speculations, I finally broke through Akari's adamant distaste toward Huizhong. She relented that she had never given Huizhong a chance, which hadn't been fair of her. I pushed her as to why she had seemed to dislike Huizhong from the get-go, but to that I would only get a true answer many years down the line._  
  
 _(Much later Akari confessed to having been fueled by jealousy of how much I admired Huizhong in my letters. That was another deep conversation between us, but thankfully not as stressful as our first real fight had been.)_  
  
 _We came to the understanding that I would continue trying to break through Huizhong's barriers and be her friend, and Akari would either stop antagonizing her and also make an effort for friendship, or she would stop visiting me._  
  
 _Akari, of course, chose to swallow her pride and befriend Huizhong._

As much as Sarnai enjoyed visiting the Qilian tribe and Nana, the Alashan tribe was the best to visit. And, _no Ghashiun_ , it wasn't because they had a crush on the cute shepherd girl their age. If Sarnai had a crush on anyone it would be the cute shepherd girl's cuter brother who—for some unfathomable reason—enjoyed hanging out with Ghashiun despite being a thousand times smarter than Sarnai's dumb brother. But, no, crushes were not why Sarnai enjoyed visiting the Alashan.   
  
Alashan territory spread across the northern border of the Si Wong, the only place in the desert that could support agriculture. They weren't able to grow much, but Sarnai loved the _fresh_ produce the Alashan had to offer. Not to mention agriculture was _interesting_ and there was still so much for Sarnai to learn about it!  
  
The trees were great too. Sarnai adored climbing to the top of the sparse trees of the Alashan territory. It was different from climbing the Qilian mountains. Sarnai could almost imagine themself flying with only a thin branch holding them high above the earth.   
  
So naturally, Sarnai made sure to bargain for a longer stay with the Alashan. Not to spend more time with their crush— _shut up Ghashiun—_ but so they could share their favorite parts of the tribe with Hui. The kid tried so hard to be all business, but it was obvious he was similar to Sarnai and loved learning and experiencing new things.   
  
He was precious. Absolutely precious. Sarnai wished they had Hui as a little brother instead of the obnoxious idiot they had as an older brother. Hui wouldn't tease Sarnai about a crush, or at least he would tease Sarnai about the _correct person_. Stupid, infuriating Ghashiun.   
  
And _where_ was Hui, anyway? Everyone else was enjoying a midday nap. Sarnai would be sleeping as well if Hui had waited just a few more minutes before slipping out of the room. For a while now, Sarnai suspected Hui wasn't getting enough sleep. The best way to beat the desert heat was to wake early and retire late into the night. That _required_ making up some sleep when the sun was at its highest. Why was Hui skipping out on his midday rest?   
  
Sarnai knew he was hiding something. A lot of somethings, actually. A kid with a scar like _that_ obviously had some baggage he'd rather not share. But he was also probably literally hiding something with how possessive he was of his bag. How that related to his midday excursions was beyond Sarnai, but perhaps they would get some answers today.  
  
A flicker of light pulled Sarnai's attention to a small copse of trees near the Alashan settlement. Was that a _fire_? Why the heck would Hui be starting a fire in the middle of the damn day? The light was gone as quickly as it came, but Sarnai knew they weren't imagining things.  
  
Sarnai frowned as they headed toward the copse. Ugh, they hated this time of day. There was always a significant lack of a breeze and the stagnant air was _disgusting_. With the sun directly overhead, the few trees couldn't provide enough shade for a respite.   
  
Distracted by the stale heat as they were, Sarnai wasn't _trying_ to be sneaky. They didn't want to completely invade Hui's privacy. If he heard them coming, he could hide whatever he was up to if he wanted to.  
  
Well, apparently Hui was also distracted.   
  
As Sarnai came around a tree, they came face to face with a wide-eyed Hui on the ground with a glowing egg cradled in his arms. Correction, an egg _on fire_ in his arms. _In his arms!_  
  
"What- Fire! You're on fire! Water! Spirits, we need water!"   
  
The fire went out as Hui jumped up to stop Sarnai from racing back to the settlement. He was ghostly pale beneath his head wrap. "You- I'm- It- What fire?"  
  
Sarnai stared at him.  
  
Hui stared back.  
  
That- That was what he was going with? _What fire?!_ Hysteria hit Sarnai hard enough they had to lean against a tree and slide to the ground as they laughed. As if Sarnai could believe they'd _imagined_ Hui's bare arms encased in flames. As if 'what fire' would work when the damn egg cradled against Hui's body was still _glowing_! This kid- This kid was unbelievable!   
  
When their giggles finally died out, Sarnai looked up to a skittish Hui. Poor kid was ready to bolt. "So, you're a firebender."  
  
"What?! No, I'm- What makes you say that?!" Even if Hui had managed to conceal the very obvious panic in his eyes, there was no changing the fact Sarnai had _seen_ him controlling fire. That was the only explanation for the lack of burns on Hui's arms and how the flames had gone out as soon as Hui saw Sarnai.  
  
Sarnai snorted and grabbed Hui's hand, dragging him down next to them before he really did try to run away. "The whole, you know, bending fire thing I literally just saw makes me say that."  
  
If Sarnai didn't have a tight hold on him, Hui really would have taken off. He tried to jerk out of their grasp, and when that didn't work, he curled into himself, around his egg. The glowing egg that was not so easily explained away as the firebending was.  
  
"What are you going to do with me," Hui asked meekly.   
  
"What am I- Hui, what the heck is going through your head right now?" Sarnai poked the bit of forehead peeking out from between his arms. "I'm going to bombard you with an endless stream of questions like I always do. What _else_ would I possibly do?"  
  
Ever so slowly, Hui shifted so his good, _golden eye_ met their easy smile. Those beautiful, sun-touched eyes spoke so much despite Hui trying to keep everything hidden away. Sarnai could see the fear, the mistrust, the hesitant hope.   
  
"You could get a hefty reward from the Earth Army if you turned in a firebender."  
  
Sarnai shrugged. "Well, it's a good thing I'm not desperate for money, and I think the Earth Army are a bunch of dicks anyway."   
  
"I'm still a firebender. I'm the enemy. I've been lying to you." As he spoke, Hui uncurled the slightest bit, the egg still held close in the crook of his arm.   
  
"Hm, not my enemy. Besides, the Earth Kingdom is in a war against the _Fire Nation_ , not every single firebender to ever exist." Sarnai shook their head. "And honestly, Hui, you're a refugee from the colonies. I already suspected your family were firebenders. It's not _that_ surprising you're a firebender. I wouldn't call it lying so much as keeping a dangerous secret. I _do_ get why you're freaking out. I'm not making light of that. But you're safe here, with me."  
  
Hui pulled out of his defensive curl and leaned against the tree, beside Sarnai. They kept a firm hold on his hand. It wasn't much smaller than theirs, but it trembled in their grasp and felt so tiny.   
  
"I- I want to believe you. I do. But if anyone finds out it could put my uncle in danger and I can't live with that and-"   
  
"Mutually assured destruction!" Sarnai cut in before Hui could work himself up again.   
  
He froze and looked at them with a furrowed brow. "I'm sorry, _what_?"   
  
"It's where I give you something that can take me down if-"   
  
"No, I know what it _is_ , Sarnai. I just don't see how you could possibly have anything as damning as being a lone, useless, _weak_ firebender in the middle of the Earth Kingdom."   
  
Oh Sarnai was going to hunt down Hui's father and have a little talk about how fucked it was he made his son believe his worth was tied to his bending ability. Maybe they could push Dad on the man. Dad could make _anyone_ regret their poor life choices. That was a topic for another time, though.  
  
They wanted to keep the mood light to reassure Hui, but this wasn't something to laugh off. Mutually assured destruction wasn't a joke. Sarnai squeezed Hui's hand and made sure he met their eyes as they spoke.   
  
"If it got out you were a firebender, it would put your uncle in danger. It's a secret that jeopardizes your family. My secret is the same, Hui. Well, it's not just _my_ secret. It's a secret of the Si Wong tribes. It's because of this secret Professor Zei isn't welcomed to stay with us anymore. He kept digging and wouldn't let secrets remain so."  
  
Hui tried to pull away as he shook his head. "No, no, you shouldn't be telling me something like that! It's not the same at all! That's putting way too much power on _my_ side. It would just be me and Uncle in danger. For you, it's everyone in the tribes at risk. That's not a fair exchange!"  
  
"I think it's plenty fair when I was the one to go snooping and uncovered your secret. So I'm choosing to trust you as much as I'm asking you to trust me without that choice."  
  
"You're crazy," Hui grumbled but stopped trying to get away.  
  
Taking that as him accepting Sarnai's offer, they grinned and settled into a more comfortable position under the tree. It had been a while since they got to tell this story to someone for the first time. They would have to wait a few more years until the youngest of the tribes were old enough to understand the legends and to keep them secret.  
  
"Our tale begins in a time before the four nations, before bending as we know it. Bending has always existed. It existed before humans could wield it and will continue to exist long after we join our ancestors in the spirit world. It was from the original benders that humans learned how to harness the elements and shape the world around them. The waterbenders had the moon. The earthbenders had the badgermoles. The firebenders had the dragons. The airbenders had the flying bison. But how did sandbenders learn?  
  
"Sand is of earth, but its existence cannot be more different. Earth is solid, stubborn, an immobile force. Sand is loose, fleeting, never stops moving. Earthbenders have spent centuries comparing sand to water, but the moon has no control over the tides of the Si Wong. _Air_ is the hidden heart of our home. Without the desert winds, sand would be as rooted as earth.  
  
"The Si Wong's skies were once graced with the majesty of the original sandbenders. Thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived with the giant flying jerboa. These creatures could bend the desert winds and the desert sands with little distinction between the two elements. Learning from them, the original sandbenders moved the Si Wong in the same way."  
  
Sarnai basked in the undivided attention Hui gave them. His eyes were wide as could be, entranced as Sarnai weaved their tale. They grabbed a handful of sand and let it trickle out of their palm. A small breeze blew through the trees, whisking the sand away in its gentle caress. Hui couldn't look away.  
  
"Earthbender, airbender; such distinctions didn't _matter_ in the desert. We were all _sandbenders_ regardless of how we controlled our home. Those that could move sand directly could build and create with it. Those that swept the sands up with gusts could change the landscape at large and protect the tribes from the natural winds that can turn sand deadly. _Everyone_ was a sandbender in the days of old."  
  
"What happened?" Hui asked in an awed whisper.  
  
"No one knows for sure, but our legends speak of formidable foes that feared the power of the giant flying jerboa. The villains of the stories always change. Sometimes it was spirits that hunted down the original sandbenders. Other times it was earthbenders who feared we would expand the Si Wong into their territory. There are even tales of an early Avatar wanting to destroy the giant flying jerboa to enforce the separation of elements.  
  
"We don't know who took the original sandbenders out of this world or how, but we do know they were successful in this tragic endeavor. All we have left of the giant flying jerboa are cave drawings and a skeleton the Qilian tribe has preserved in the mountains for as long as they can remember. I was told this story before being led into that cave. Recently, I've had the honor to be the one to tell the story to the children of the tribes. It's beautiful, Hui. Ancient drawings and our imagination will never be enough to picture what it was like to see these creatures alive and free in the sky.  
  
"Though we were all sandbenders within the Si Wong, the foundations of the different sandbenders were still similar to their aligned element. The sandbenders of earth were born from a sense of connection. They bonded with the sands of the desert and those who resided in it. The sandbenders of air were born from a sense of freedom. The desert is the freest place one can live, or at least it should have been.   
  
"As the four nations formed, our way of life became an anomaly, and to some, a perversion of bending. The sandbenders of air had to mask the winds they moved with sand. The pressure to hide from the rest of the world eventually squashed the freedom of the Si Wong. Every generation saw fewer of air. What was once a culture where _everyone_ was a sandbender, we began to see nonbenders.   
  
"We don't have records of sandbenders and how they bended, but we know there hasn't been any of air born for at least a century. It's possible the remaining sandbenders of air _lost_ their bending when the Fire Nation wiped out the Air Nomads. Airbending became a death sentence not for the individual, but for the whole tribe. Some of us hold the belief that one day we'll find our freedom and bend once again. Others, like my dumb brother, think this story is a hoax to make nonbenders feel special... But whether it's true or not, no one denies the danger these legends could pose if they were spread outside the tribes."  
  
The sun had moved enough overhead that shadows fell over Sarnai and Hui. When Sarnai spoke of the Fire Nation, Hui had tucked his chin to his chest and refused to look up from his egg as Sarnai concluded their tale. The hand still in theirs trembled again.   
  
"Sarnai, I'm. I'm so sorry. It's not right- You- If-" Hui pressed his scarred cheek against his egg and glanced sideways at Sarnai with misty eyes. "Your grandmother called you wind-touched because you're supposed to be an airbender, aren't you? But my- The- Fire Lord Sozin wouldn't have stopped with the Air Army, would he? If he knew there were airbenders in the desert- There could have been the chance the Avatar was born here and he would have-"  
  
Spirits, this boy was trying to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. Sarnai pulled Hui closer, so they could wrap an arm around him. He tensed in the embrace but hesitantly relaxed against them when Sarnai didn't let go.   
  
" _You_ don't have anything to apologize for. Besides, it really is just legends and stories. Who knows if that giant jerboa skeleton could actually fly. Maybe Ghashiun is right and it's just a delusion on our part that sandbenders of air ever existed. I mean, it is kinda fanciful, right? It makes a good story, but I've never heard of anything else like the giant flying jerboa."  
  
Hui's head shot up and almost collided with Sarnai's jaw. Golden eyes _sparkled_ at Sarnai. "I believe your legends. It's not a delusion! I- I-" He looked down at the still glowing egg in his arms. Gently, Hui moved their joined hands to press Sarnai's palm against the warm, textured shell.  
  
"I have a story for you, now."

_ Air and Earth _   
  
_Imagine my confusion when the first time Huizhong confided in me was... because Akari apologized to her. Months of Akari gossiping, being rude and hurtful, and Huizhong put up with all of it. She never said a word to me, neither in her upset about Akari's behavior nor in thanks for me defending her. But when Akari approached her to apologize again, this time not just for what she'd said during my lesson, but for how antagonizing she had been, Huizhong came to me afterward._   
  
_Akari's genuine apology unsettled her. She first asked if Akari was plotting to take her out of the picture. I, understandably, took that to mean Akari messed up her apology and had insulted Huizhong again. My anger was short-lived in the face of Huizhong's confusion. Akari had not botched her amends, and had been extremely polite and remorseful while speaking with Huizhong. Somehow, Huizhong interpreted Akari's sudden kindness as a cover for a much more sinister plot than her usual insults. I assured her Akari was genuine, as much as she could be when under coercion to be nice to Huizhong or threaten her friendship with me._   
  
_Friendship had always been fleeting for Huizhong. Outside of her family, she only had close relations with a few of the servants she had grown up with. Youth of the court always turned on her. She'd learned to keep herself closed off, so she wouldn't get hurt. I was an outlier, someone not involved in Earth Kingdom politics and who openly had no desire to get involved. Despite playing nice with the other nobles, I had never turned my back on Huizhong._   
  
_(Huizhong held that point in much higher regard before she came to realize I was oblivious to the sly comments her peers had been making to sway me from her side. My "lapse of intelligence whenever disingenuity comes into play," as Huizhong likes to call it, is apparently one of my most endearing and frustrating traits.)_   
  
_For once, Huizhong was hopeful she had someone she could befriend that wasn't under her employ. I hadn't been misreading Huizhong when she shared her secret spot in the palace gardens or when she always accepted my invitations to explore the city together. Huizhong wanted to be my friend but was waiting for the day I too would decide she wasn't worth it._   
  
_Akari's arrival was marked what she believed would be the end of our relationship. Faced with Akari's clear dislike, she'd thought I'd surely stop wanting to be her friend. Instead, I treated Huizhong no differently and continuously defended her. Upon hearing I was willing to jeopardize my lifelong friendship in her defense, the final barrier between us broke._   
  
_At first, Huizhong still tried to keep me away. She claimed Akari was in the right to distrust her, for she had been assigned my earthbending teacher in hopes we would become close. I, of course, already knew this and didn't care. Why should it matter if the start of our friendship was a political scheme if we found a genuine closeness out of it? She then tried to dissuade me further by disclosing how Akari's fights with her were not as one-sided as I thought. How could I want to be friends with someone so petty and mean as to rile up my friend and allow me to think Akari was picking on her? I countered that Akari had been just as petty and mean, so that wouldn't stop me from being someone's friend._   
  
_After all that, I began to get to know the real Huizhong. She wasn't much different from the walled-off girl I had initially met, but now I was privy to the girl behind the walls. The biggest change was in our lessons. I almost regretted assuring Huizhong I would not come to hate her if she were stricter. The kind, patient instructor was gone. Huizhong was ruthless in keeping me grounded and pulling me out of my airbender mindset. Nevertheless, no matter how exhausted or beaten I was after practice, I was elated to now have this side of Huizhong she had been afraid to share before. Most importantly, the real Huizhong made much more progress in getting me to earthbend._   
  
_I stood my ground at Huizhong's side and soon was able to move the ground I stood on._   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OG Huizhong is perfect and I love her
> 
> and with her official introduction, have a [YangGang extra](https://redriot.tumblr.com/post/635037476149444608/picrew1picrew2-i-love-making-picrews-of-my) <3 
> 
> Since this part is (basically) finished, I'm going to be sticking to an update schedule of every two weeks! Gives me plenty of buffer time to write more and continue beefing up my backlog...
> 
> I'm super excited for what's to come next and thank you again for all your comments! I'm loving the speculation and questions, y'all are picking up what I'm putting down ;3
> 
> Feel free to hmu twitter @starofjems or tumblr @redriot 
> 
> See ya in two weeks!


	4. Discoveries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to Zuko's Life Changing Field Trip: Desert Edition! 
> 
> Jana is best beta always and yall are such sweet readers love yaaa!

Life as a spy sounded much more exciting than it actually was. Zuko knew he wasn't cut out for a life of subterfuge because he was so relieved after telling Sarnai (most of) his secrets. It had been _stressful_ having to find time to firebend and warm his egg. He could practice his forms in the open with the guise of practicing his swords, but there had been no easy way to answer the pull of his fire.

Even if he could ignore the itch to produce flames, Zuko still had to tend to his egg. It could last a couple of weeks without a fire to warm it, but Zuko didn't want his egg to just _last_. There was a creature living inside—Toph had confirmed it!—so sooner or later it had to hatch. Keeping it toasty and cared for as much as possible seemed a surefire way to coax the creature out. Which meant finding time to make fire for his little (maybe) dragon-to-be.

Sleep was a reasonable sacrifice when the best time to firebend was in the middle of the day as the tribe slept. Now, with Sarnai knowledgeable about both his egg and firebending, they were able to help him firebend _and_ get enough sleep. They held true to their word and barraged Zuko with endless questions all while keeping his secret. It was surprisingly fun explaining firebending to not only a nonbender, but a nonbender that had never seen firebending before.

The days blended together and despite his deadline to find the library, impatience didn't sour Zuko's attitude. He was too _busy_ to get impatient. When Ghashiun and Sarnai weren't taking him around the desert, his time was occupied with chores, reciting play scripts, and an increasing amount of time practicing and discussing firebending. Zuko was content, maybe even happy? It didn't make sense. This life was the furthest possible from the life he wanted to get back home to.

And yet.

There was no fighting his laughter as a dog goat headbutted Ghashiun. There was no denying the warmth that curled pleasantly in his stomach when Sha-Mo praised Zuko for his first decent spool of yarn. There was no way to see his emotions other than as fondness when Sarnai regaled him with the legends tied to the glass charms on the necklace they received for their seventeenth birthday.

Was it wrong to enjoy this life unbefitting for a Fire Nation prince?

"Oh, look! Do you think there's any scripts you know here?"

Sarnai pulled Zuko away from the Fire Nation-esque jewelry that elicited his latest bout of maudlin thoughts to a stall of scrolls and theater masks. The bi-annual Misty Palms market fair hosted traders from across the desert and southern Earth Kingdom. Business from the large influx of visitors twice a year was likely the only thing keeping the dilapidated oasis from succumbing to the desert sands.

The Xitao had a larger presence at the autumn market than ever before. Between the goods acquired through their deal with the Beifongs and their agreements with the Alashan and Qilian tribes, the Xitao's stall was bustling with business. Sarnai had gleefully pointed out the less busy stalls of the rival Si Wong trading tribes while dragging Zuko along to explore the fair.

The Earth Kingdom merchants running the stall of theater wares paid Sarnai and Zuko little mind as they browsed the selection of scrolls. There was a surprising amount of Fire Nation plays, but they were obviously outnumbered by the plethora of Earth Kingdom scripts. As Sarnai struggled to decide which of Zuko's plays they wanted to buy, Zuko pondered between two Earth Kingdom spirit tales. It would be useful to learn some Earth Kingdom stories to uphold his cover, wouldn't it?

"Um, excuse me, which of these would you say-" Zuko cut himself off as he met the hazel eyes of the merchant. He knew that exact shade of not quite brown speckled with green. His jaw dropped as Ju Long broke out into a shining smile.

"Hui! I didn't even recognize you!"

Before Zuko could process the presence of someone from the _Sazanami_ , the other merchant slung their arm over Ju Long's shoulders to hang off him and greet Zuko with an all too familiar grin.

"Look at you, all bundled up and looking like a proper little desert dweller," Bun Ma drawled, reaching out to tug lightly at the fabric shrouding Zuko's face from the harsh sun.

Words were beyond Zuko. What were they _doing_ here? He glanced around, a tight ball of anticipation and dread in his chest. Was anyone else here? Was _Uncle_ here?

Sarnai shook Zuko's arm, drawing his attention back to the impossible situation of Ju Long and Bun Ma manning a stall at the Misty Palm market fair. "Hui! You're friends with theater merchants? Why didn't you tell me that? No wonder you know all those plays!"

"I- Um-" Zuko glanced between his friends, suddenly struck with the realization Sarnai was his friend. He had _three_ friends, and they were suddenly, inexplicably meeting. But, wait. Sarnai was Huizhong's friend. Bun Ma and Ju Long were _Zuko's_ friends. How the hell was he supposed to explain this? What were they doing here?!

Bun Ma laughed. "Oh, surely you know how Hui is by now. A boy of secrets, and half of them only because he doesn't know how to talk about himself. Bun Ma, and this is Ju Long. Huizhong and his uncle travel with us sometimes. Pleasure to meet you!"

"A pleasure indeed," Sarnai said with a growing grin. "I'm Sarnai. I would _love_ to hear about your travels. How did you get started selling theater scrolls? Is the market good for these kinds of goods? Are you also from the colonies? I'm trying to decide between _Agni's Blessing_ and _Wrath of the Kemurikage_ to buy for myself, which do you think is worth getting?"

The sudden flood of questions didn't faze Bun Ma. She laughed and pushed Ju Long out from behind the stall. "Well for starters, Ju Long here can help you decide which script to get. I have some things to catch up with Hui about, and then we'll be able to chat as much as you want."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," Zuko grumbled. "You have no idea how much they can talk."

Sarnai stuck their tongue out at him, then shoved him away. "Don't be a brat."

"That's asking a lot of him, don't you think?" Bun Ma teased, happily ignoring Ju Long's aghast expression and the sullen glare Zuko gave her. "Ju Long, stall's yours! We'll be back in a bit!"

Bun Ma looped her arm through Zuko's and led him down the street before he could protest. He hoped Ju Long could survive Sarnai on his own... But concerns for Ju Long were quickly pushed aside as turned to Bun Ma with wide eyes.

"What are you _doing_ here? And-" he lowered his voice to a hiss "-why are you using your real names? What if someone finds you out?"

"I've missed you too," Bun Ma cooed, dragging Zuko into a smothering hug.

As he tried to push her away, people stared at them curiously. Zuko felt exposed and incredibly anxious. His whole Huizhong act didn't include people from the _Sazanami_. He didn't know _how_ to behave with Bun Ma and Ju Long's sudden presence. The piercing eyes of strangers made his breath grow short. Did they know? What if Ju Long said something that gave Zuko away and Sarnai found out? Oh Agni-

Zuko hardly noticed his feet moving underneath him as Bun Ma directed him into a small alleyway. It was only after he was pushed down to sit on a crate that Zuko took note of his surroundings again. Bun Ma crouched in front of him, holding his hands tightly as she instructed him to breathe. Slowly, Zuko followed her directions until his chest didn't feel so tight and his vision cleared.

"Sorry, Princey, I forgot you're almost as bad as Ju Long. I shouldn't have started teasing until I explained." Bun Ma grinned and gave his hands a squeeze. "Uncle wanted someone to check in on you because he's rightfully beside himself with worry despite all your letters. Ju Long and I were the best fit for the job, I mean honestly, you didn't give us a second glance!"

"But- If someone finds out you're-"

Bun Ma tugged him down to gently smack the back of his head. "Yeah, imagine that. Someone going deep into the Earth Kingdom, undercover without back up. Oh wait. I do have back up. What happened to _yours_?"

Ah. Everything made so much more sense now. Of course Uncle wanted to send someone to scold him in person. Bun Ma and Ju Long didn't seem like the best choice to deliver a lecture, but they were the least likely to raise suspicion while traversing the Earth Kingdom. Now he felt _worse_ for sneaking off without Uncle. Not only had Zuko worried him, but his impulsive actions also put Bun Ma and Ju Long at risk when they should be enjoying their shore leave. They probably regretted ever calling Zuko a friend and resented him for dragging them out to the desert-

"Oh stop it."

Green fabric obstructed Zuko's vision as Bun Ma stood and pulled him into a tight hug. As much as he wanted to push her away, he wanted to lean into her embrace the same amount. Zuko didn't try to escape again and excused it with the fuss Bun Ma would likely raise if he did try.

"You clearly don't need any more guilt-tripping. I'll tell Uncle I gave you a proper talking to, and he doesn't have to be any the wiser." She rubbed his back in a soothing circle that Zuko struggled to resist melting into. "I wasn't teasing when I said I missed you, dummy. The ship's been way too quiet without you throwing tantrums all around. Heck, I almost miss you bullying me into training! Ju Long and I _volunteered_ to come find you, you know."

"You're crazy," Zuko mumbled into her shirt. "And you better have been keeping up with your training. I'm not going to take it easy on you if you've been skimping out on it."

Bun Ma pulled back to scowl playfully at him. "Nevermind, I take it back. I haven't missed you _at_ _all_."

A small laugh bubbled up, but Zuko shook it off with a sigh. "So, you've spoken with Uncle? Is he still mad at me?"

"I wouldn't say mad at you so much as mad with worry. I swear the poor man has aged ten years in the past month with all the stress you've put him through. He would be here, of course, but the captain refused to let him take that risk. Bad enough _you're_ here on your own."

That made sense. Major Hifumi had been against Uncle and Zuko both going into the desert to begin with, but hadn't been able to dissuade Uncle from being Zuko's chaperone. It was easier for the Dragon of the West to hide while playing the part of a doting uncle. Without Zuko, Uncle's identity was at much more risk of discovery.

"And although he didn't say in so many words, he's worried you're talking up your time with the sandbenders to reassure him. I'd say from that brief meeting with your new friend that you're actually _downplaying_ what you've been up to, but how about it?" Bun Ma grinned and nudged Zuko. "Are you having fun?"

And wasn't that the crux of it? Zuko was having fun, so much fun he was worried it was too much. He fidgeted with a loose thread on his sleeve. "Yeah. I am. Is- Is it bad if I'm enjoying myself while causing Uncle so much distress? Is it okay for me to enjoy all this? This mundane peasant lifestyle?"

Bun Ma dropped down into a squat again to look up and meet his gaze. "It's more than okay. Uncle will be _delighted_ to hear about what a good time you're having. So how about we go rescue Ju Long from your chatty new friend and you can tell us all about your scandalous stint as a peasant?"

Zuko hadn't realized how _heavy_ his concerns were until they dissipated with Bun Ma's easy acceptance. With a hopeful smile, Zuko stood and helped Bun Ma back to her feet. "It's really okay that I've enjoyed living with the sandbenders?"

"Really," Bun Ma agreed. She dropped her voice, just in case, despite the deserted alleyway. "Zuko, it's okay to be happy."

It seemed silly to need reassurance of something so basic. He smiled and led the way back to Ju Long and Sarnai. There was still a shred of doubt, but Zuko pushed it away, not wanting to face why he doubted it was okay to be _happy_.

_Earthbending Mastery_

_It did not take long after securing our friendship for Huizhong to instigate debates. Academic interests had been her escape from solitude for many years, and she had strong opinions about a myriad of topics. Her strongest criticism was of airbending philosophies of attachment. In her eyes, this philosophy was my biggest hurdle to pass in order to master earthbending._

_This has been a debate that's dragged on for years. We've both been swayed by each other's ideas, and they have helped shape our personal philosophies. It has been a long journey to my current mindset, and I truly cannot remember how exactly it began. I know the airbending teachings—will always keep them close to heart—but my own interpretation is something that has changed drastically since my youth._

_As airbenders, we are taught our attachments will drag us down. We must let go of_ everything _to achieve true enlightenment. This does not mean we cannot care for others, but that we must care for the whole world equally. Huizhong's first offense was the idea that touching the ground was considered lesser. Does the air only grace the skies? Does it not also graze the earth, stir leaves, shift sands? Air is not separate from the earth nor the rest of the world._

_Her most compelling points have always stemmed from this notion._

_It struck me how_ attached _we airbenders are to a single concept of freedom. To Air Nomads, freedom is something_ achieved _through meditation and enlightenment. Our powers stem from our freedom, so we must be diligent to maintain it. Elders speak of disgraced airbenders in hushed whispers, only mention them if a young pupil seems to be on the verge of falling._

_I've never met an airbender that has left our society. I'm not sure if there has been one in living memory. There is no way to support or discredit my theories, but I can't help but wonder if these airbenders failed our teachings, or if our teaching failed them. Other nations often find the Air Nomad way of life restrictive and stifling. Who is to say an airbender cannot feel the same way?_

_The Avatar is granted the privilege to question our teachings in a way no other Air Nomad would dare. I have a duty to the world before my spiritual enlightenment. But my airbending in no way suffers as I stray from our definitions of attachment and freedom. Is it not possible that in our quest for enlightenment, we have grown too attached to our ideas and have left no room for growth or change?_

_There is still so much to explore and expand on this topic. I will sorely miss Huizhong's insightful challenges. She may not be able to provide her own thoughts anymore, but I will continue to grow and change due to her influence. Hopefully I can extend Huizhong's influence to my fellow airbenders._

_But I digress._

_It was thanks to Huizhong challenging my attachment to the Air Nomad ideal of freedom that I began to let go. By embracing my connection to the earth, I overcame the final block to master Huizhong's element. There was no test, no ceremony, no warning. I steadily improved my earthbending until, one day in the middle of sparring match, Huizhong declared me a master._

_I had one, final element to master._

_Fire sparked the beginning of my journey and fire would light the way as I became a fully realized Avatar._

The endless expanse of sand was equally frustrating and calming. Sitting on a sand sailer and watching the dunes whisk past was peaceful. But it was also aggravating, keeping a focused gaze on the undisrupted landscape to catch a glimpse of a lost spirit library. The sun was slowly disappearing past the horizon, casting long shadows from the towering sand. They would have to stop soon, not only because Ghashiun needed to rest, but also because it was dangerous to cross the desert at night.

No one ever expanded on that fact, so Zuko never put much thought into it. He knew the Xitao's rival trading tribes weren't above attacking travelers to expand their wares. It made sense they would strike in the cover of darkness.

Never had Zuko considered that danger came from under the sand.

"Shit! Hold tight!" Sarnai screamed over the rush of wind, breaking the tranquil mood. They jerked the sail to the right, diverting their course so abruptly the sailer almost toppled to its side. Despite their warning, Zuko barely held on tight enough to stay aboard. Ghashiun fared minimally better, strapped to the helm as he was.

"What the fuck-" Ghashiun started to yell at his sibling, but caught sight of something in the distance and started swirling his sand whirlwind faster. "Fuck, fuck, _fuck_."

Zuko looked in the direction Sarnai steered away from. A distant dune collapsed. Cutting through the sand toward the sailer was something that largely resembled the dorsal fin of a fish. A very _large_ fish.

"What _is_ that?"

"Sand shark," Sarnai said. They glanced over their shoulder and urged their brother to go faster.

Ghashiun's arms were already moving so quickly, Zuko wasn't sure it was _possible_ for him to guide the sands faster than he already was. With plentiful curses, Ghashiun somehow managed the impossible and the sand sailer skipped ahead with a small burst of extra speed.

The fin disappeared under the sand and Zuko's stomach dropped. That didn't seem like a good sign. Ghashiun and Sarnai's obvious panic didn't reassure him either. He drew his dao and hoped they were effective against whatever the hell a sand shark was.

"Left!" Ghashiun hollered, and Sarnai turned the sailer just as the desert burst open a breath away from them.

Out of the sand raining down was the sand shark. It was double the size of the sailer, and its mouth spread open almost the equal length of its body. A deafening roar shook the desert as the creature realized it had missed its meal. Sand swirled in the air again as it dove back into the desert.

"Oh spirits, we're dead. We're so fucking dead," Sarnai chanted as they frantically tried to spot where the shark had disappeared to.

Swords were not going to do any good against something so large until it was on top of them. Zuko sheathed his dao and breathed deeply to center himself. With the heat of the desert surrounding him, his fire always danced directly beneath his skin. What was the best way to fend off the sand shark? How mobile was it while airborne? Could it dodge a fireball? Would getting burned be enough to convince it that they were not worth pursuing?

A sand dune ahead of them shuddered, and Sarnai turned the sailer in the opposite direction. This time, Zuko was prepared for what was coming. As the sand shark shot out of the desert and hovered over them, he sent a high kick at it, expelling a slash of fire along its flank. Again the sand shark's cry disturbed the desert, but this time in pained anguish. It did not dive gracefully back beneath the sand, but crashed down on its side and wiggled out of sight.

Ghashiun pushed himself at the demanding pace he had set while outrunning the sand shark until the moon was hanging high above them and the sailer's bottom scraped against rock. He must have been exhausted, but Ghashiun did not succumb to his fatigue. Instead, he whipped around to grab Zuko by the front of his robes and lifted him off the ground.

"You're a fucking firebender!"

"Let him go!" Sarnai tackled their brother with enough force he dropped Zuko and had to grapple with Sarnai to stay standing.

The thin layer of sand over the rocks did little to soften the impact of Zuko falling. He wasn't prepared to brace himself and narrowly avoided colliding his head with the hard ground. There wasn't time to be stunned though. Zuko pushed through his shortness of breath and drew his dao.

Sarnai managed to push Ghashiun off his feet and the pair rolled off the rocks into deeper sand. Between the dark of the night and the tangle of fabric and limbs, Zuko could not tell who had the upperhand in this wrestling match.

A roar of "enough!" brought everything to a stand still.

Ghashiun staggered up as Sarnai struggled against a solid cover of sand holding them down. Restrained they may have been, it was not about to stop Sarnai from trying to spit at their brother.

"Let me go, fuckhead! Hui just saved our damn lives. How _dare_ you attack him!"

"How dare I? How dare _I_? How dare _you_ keep it secret from us he's a fucking firebender. How long have you known? Fuck Sarnai, what have you _told_ him?"

Ghashiun's accusing words couldn't quell Sarnai's fury as they strained against the hardened sand. "He's not a threat to us!" With a defeated groan, Sarnai fell back into the sand. Their voice broke as they spoke. "He's in just as much danger from the rest of the world as we are. He saved us at the expense of his safety, Ghashiun. Don't hurt him."

"Fuck." Ghashiun rubbed his hands through his hair vigorously, then threw his arms down to release Sarnai from their restraints. "Fuck, fine. I'll hear him out."

"And won't hurt him," Sarnai demanded, shoving off Ghashiun's attempt to help them up. "You won't hurt him, Ghashiun."

Zuko tensed as Ghashiun turned to him. His heart hammered in his ears. His throat constricted. This was different from fighting bandits or sparring with soldiers on the _Sazanami_. He _knew_ Ghashiun. They weren't friends, but they weren't supposed to be enemies. This was Sarnai's _brother_. Zuko wasn't sure he would be able to fight if Ghashiun decided he was a threat.

"Fine, I won't hurt him as long as he doesn't raise a fucking finger against us," Ghashiun spat. "Put the swords away, brat, and let's talk."

"I don't want to hurt you," Zuko said breathlessly. He couldn't move, except to tighten his hold on his dao.

Ghashiun scoffed as he approached Zuko. "So put the swords away."

If this came down to a fight, Zuko would do his best to protect himself. But he didn't want to hurt Sarnai's brother, no matter what happened. He resisted the urge to shrink back as Ghashiun stepped into his space.

"I won't put them away because I _don't want_ to hurt you."

Ghashiun's gaze flickered to the side of Zuko's face, then to his whitened knuckles gripping his dao. "Yeah, okay. Whatever." He pulled away with a sigh, dropping down to sit on the sand sailer. "Now convince me why I shouldn't tie you up and drop you off at the nearest Earth Army outpost."

"Because he's a fucking _kid_!" Sarnai snapped, punching Ghashiun's arm hard enough he had to brace himself to stay upright. "A goddamn kid that—how many times do I have to remind you?—saved us from falling right into a sand shark's stomach!"

"A kid for now! He's still a firebender, Sarnai! One day he'll grow up and put on a fucking skull helmet and go around taking lives instead of saving them. How long until the Fire Nation decides they want to conquer the desert too, huh? Sooner or later they'll either take out the Earth Army or get bored and turn their sights to us. It'd be better for all of us if they have one less firebender at their disposal."

No, that wasn't going to happen. The whole point of this war was to share Agni's blessings with the rest of the world. The Si Wong tribes were plenty blessed by Agni. They didn't need the Fire Nation's help. The only reason the Fire Nation would ever look to the desert was if they knew there was a chance of airbenders returning- But no one would ever learn of that.

"I'm not welcome back home," Zuko said under his breath. Ghashiun and Sarnai turned to him, so he repeated himself louder to make sure he was heard. The best lie was the truth. "I'm not welcome back home, and even if I was, I would _never_ raise a hand against any of the Si Wong tribes. I _swear_."

Ghashiun narrowed his eyes. "Not welcome back home, huh? What better way to be accepted back than to find a spirit library full of the world's secrets? Seems like a surefire ticket home if you ask me. What are you _really_ looking for in that library?"

A lump in Zuko's throat made responding difficult. Oh spirits. Ghashiun saw right through him. This was it. Everything was over. He was never going to see Uncle again, never see Azula again, never gain Father's-

"Shut up, Ghashiun. You're making baseless accusations over nothing." Sarnai stepped between Zuko and Ghashiun, blocking him from their brother's glare. It was a little easier to breathe. "Hui's kept his secrets to protect himself from reactions like yours. If you ever paid attention to anyone _other_ than yourself, you would have noticed that he's genuinely looking for information about the Avatar. Did you know he's named after Avatar Yangchen's _earthbending_ master?"

Cold guilt trickled down Zuko's spine. Ghashiun's accusations were _true_. Huizhong the scholar was a lie, as were his motivations. Zuko wanted to learn more about Avatar Yangchen and his egg, but his true goal was to find the way back home. Sarnai shouldn't be defending him. He was a liar and a sneak.

"I want to hear that from _him_ , not you, Sarnai."

Ghashiun pushed Sarnai away as he stood and approached Zuko once more. Zuko had never noticed how tall Ghashiun was until he used his height to try to intimidate him. It worked better than Zuko let himself show.

"Why are you looking for Wan Shi Tong's library, Huizhong?"

Zuko was a liar, but he had to; he had to betray Sarnai's trust and lie to Ghashiun's face if he ever hoped to return home. No matter how unworthy Zuko was as a prince of the Fire Nation, he still had responsibilities. He had to return home, _at any cost_.

The best lie was the truth.

"I want to learn more about the Avatar. Any Avatar, but I have special interest in Avatar Yangchen because of my family's connections to her."

The oppressive quiet of the desert pressed down on Zuko as he held Ghashiun's stare. Regardless what Zuko _didn_ 't say, his words were true. It seemed this edited truth was enough to convince Ghashiun. He pulled away with a quiet grunt and turned back to Sarnai.

"Does Dad know?"

"No, and I'd rather we keep it that way."

Ghashiun's head fell back to stare at the night sky. "Okay. Fuck. Fine." He bent the thin layer of sand covering the rock slab into the usual night shelter. "Finish making camp. I'm taking a nap."

Before he disappeared into the sand structure, Ghashiun turned to Zuko one final time. "You did good with the sand shark. I'm glad you used your firebending rather than letting us all die."

Zuko stared after him in shock, only for Sarnai to pull him into a hug and surprise him even more. "That's his way of saying sorry. And seriously, Hui, _thank you_."

"No," Zuko whispered. He didn't deserve Ghashiun's apology or Sarnai's gratitude. "Thank _you_."

_Firebending Master_

_Firebenders are often compared to the fleeting nature of their element. There are countless proverbs warning one to be careful of burning too hot and burning out. Indeed, the strongest of fires cannot burn forever without careful tending to and an unlimited fuel to feed it. But Akari was not a raging wildfire or a flame in need of fuel. She was the sun, burning bright and steady from the day I met her until the day I lost her._

_Once Akari put her mind to something, she would see it through to the end with an unrelenting passion. I had no doubt in my heart that Akari would master her element in time to be my teacher. Rather, I_ expected _her to become a master and a spectacular master at that. She did so, but didn't stop there._

_I knew the kind of person Akari was, so really it shouldn't have come as a surprise to learn she had taken up instructing firebenders in preparation for teaching me. And yet surprised I was. As I'm writing, I'm starting to realize Akari had a talent for surprising me. She told me everything, except for when she didn't. I never expected her to keep secrets, so she took advantage of that whenever she could to spring on me things that I should have foreseen._

_Achieving her firebending mastery and getting her tattoos, taking on firebending pupils to become a better teacher, developing her gentle flame technique, our romance..._

_How can it be fair that she is gone, and yet I am still discovering something new to love her for?_

_I cannot dwell on this. I must return to the past to let my pain go._

_She was an amazing teacher._

_I was Tarkik and Huizhong's first pupil, so they learned how to share their knowledge as they passed it on to me. They hit blocks in teaching as I did in learning. I do not begrudge them for it, and wouldn't trade my time with them for the world. If anything, their unpolished style of training was refreshing after a childhood with the sage elders of the Air Temples. But at times Tarkik was too gentle, too timid and Huizhong too fierce, too headstrong. They both fell prey to my frustrations, and we often had to work through disgruntled emotions together._

_In the years I mastered two elements, Akari mastered how to teach hers. She opened the palace doors to firebenders of all walks of life. Young and old, poor and rich, from beginners to experienced; Akari accepted them all as her pupils. By the time I returned to Capital City for the first time as the Avatar, Akari was a seasoned instructor and exactly what I needed to complete my elemental training._

_Akari should have had an easier time teaching me than Tarkik and Huizhong, but to our surprise it wasn't the case. I took to firebending far faster than the other elements. At first, I credited my aptitude to my familiarity with fire growing up with Akari, or perhaps her experience as an instructor, or even due to a learning curve only an Avatar could experience. All these factors could have played a role in how quickly I mastered firebending forms. I know, now, my airbending heritage played the largest role._

_Accounts from past Avatar focus on the struggle of learning one's opposing element. It is human nature, I believe, to fixate on adversity and how to overcome it. Bending theorists extrapolate on how the elements work against each other more than how they work together. All four elements influence the other in some way, but fire and air possess a singular relationship._

_One cannot exist without the other and yet both can extinguish each other._

_If a fire burns within an enclosed space, it will burn through the components of air we humans need to survive. Those same components are what keep fire alive. Once a fire burns through a room's air, it will die._

_Without air, a fire cannot ignite. Air can stoke a fire hotter, brighter. It can also blow it out of existence. Without fire, air would stagnate. Fire creates heat, which allows air to rise. Its smoke can also drag air down and stifle it._

_Just as the elements exist in tandem and in opposition to each other in the world at large, so do they within every living creature. Earth builds our bodies' foundations. Air fills our lungs. Water courses through our veins. Fire warms the life inside us. Benders form a deeper relationship with their element as they manifest it from within._

_The Avatar Spirit may reside within me, but my soul's core is of air. It is my core that influences my experiences with the other elements to reflect the balance seen in nature. Just as one fans a fire to life, the wind of my soul feeds the strength of my inner fire. Calling forth flames is as natural as summoning gusts._

_I have been able to summon my past lives to discuss my experiences, and we Air Avatar are of the same mind. Firebending is_ exhilarating _. It buoys our soul, fills our veins with an addictive thrill. Earth may be our opposing element and the most difficult to master, but fire is the most difficult to control because of the ease at which we master it._

_From the beginning, Akari saw the strength of my flames, the way I toed the line of control as I executed the firebending forms. Despite frequently sharing my lessons with Akari's other students, I never sparred against anyone except for her. Eventually, the euphoria of success faded. I began to notice how Akari maneuvered group lessons in a way that kept me partially separated from the others and always closest to her. Groups were conveniently odd numbered, so I hadn't immediately questioned always partnering with Akari._

_My swift progress came toppling down around me as I realized I was_ dangerous _. I was distraught when faced with the reality of the burning inferno my air-charged flames created. I grew up with Akari's carefully controlled flames. She was the sun, steady and bright, and never burned the way a raging fire can. Fire was dangerous, I knew logically, but firebending was never something I needed to be cautious about until I was the one wielding it._

_How could I enjoy something with such destructive power? How could I have been so careless as to disregard the hazards of fire? Such questions plagued me and almost brought my training to a standstill. Despair gripped my heart as I struggled to cool my flames. I refused to continue sparring with Akari until I was confident I wouldn't accidentally cause harm. How could I achieve mastery of fire if I feared wielding it against an opponent? What if I was never able to temper my flames?_

_My worries were unfounded, of course. I should have known better that Akari was working on a solution. But, perhaps I should be kinder to my past self with my recent realization of how blind I was to Akari's vivacious desire to surprise me._

Zuko knew his good fortune was going to come tumbling down around him sooner or later. Ghashiun accepting him as a firebender seemed too good to be true, because it was. For a few days, Zuko thought Ghashiun was going to ignore the entire sand shark incident. He didn't bring it up and continued to treat Zuko as he usually did while the group was out on the sand sailer, which was by ignoring him. Zuko was starting to relax and believe everything would be fine when Ghashiun dragged him behind the sand sailer as Sarnai packed up camp.

"So my friends caught wind of a Fire Nation caravan taking its chances and cutting through the desert."

"I don't know anything about that," Zuko replied instantly.

Ghashiun rolled his eyes. "I'm not accusing you of anything, dumbass. I'm _telling_ you, because you owe me. I've been hauling your ass around the desert and now I'm going to keep your damn secret. So we're going to meet up with my friends, intercept that caravan, and you're not going to complain or breathe a _word_ about this to my dad, got it?"

This sounded like a _very_ bad idea. Zuko struggled to find the right argument. If this were _any_ other kind of detour from Zuko's search for the library, he would have accepted it as due payment for Ghashiun's vow of secrecy. But raiding a Fire Nation caravan...

"Oh come on. If you've really been cast out by them, shouldn't you be _excited_ for the chance to pull one over on the Fire Nation?"

Even if Zuko had no chance of returning home, he couldn't ever imagine taking delight in going against his people. "I- I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"Unbelievable," Ghashiun groaned. "For someone so prepared for a fight, you sure are a big fucking baby. We're not going to _hurt_ anybody that doesn't try to hurt us first. We're just going to steal from them."

"Oh no, absolutely _not_." Sarnai jumped down from the sand sailer, where they had been eavesdropping. "We are not going to help your delinquent Hami friends play bandits. Dad would lose his head if he found out!"

"More or less than if he found out you've been hiding Hui's a firebender from him?" Ghashiun shot back with a smug grin.

"You're the worst," Sarnai hissed.

Their anger only made Ghashiun smile wider. "You both can hide in the cargo hold for all I care, but your swords would be useful, Hui."

"No way, Ghashiun. You can blackmail us into accompanying you on this stupid scheme, but you are _not_ going to force Hui into helping."

With that, Zuko soon found himself en route to join a raid against Fire Nation merchants. Was he a traitor for going along with this? As long as no one found out he was a part of this, it should be fine, right? Agni, he hoped so. At least this deviation from their original surveillance route covered parts of the desert they hadn't searched yet. Maybe they would pass the library before Ghashiun met up with his friends and Zuko could skip out on this whole raid business.

Suffice to say, they did _not_ happen upon the library before joining Ghashiun's friends.

Zuko was able to take comfort in Sarnai's adamant disapproval with the whole situation. They were cold with the Hami teenagers and refused to join their camp, allowing Zuko to avoid them as well. Ghashiun's friends from the other tribe seemed to expect Sarnai's attitude, and didn't question Zuko when he stuck to Sarnai's side.

Even reckless teenage raiders were wary of traveling at night and the risk of crossing a sand shark, so the party planned to attack at first light when the caravan would just be waking. As everyone broke camp, Sarnai pulled Zuko aside with a deep frown.

"Hui, I really don't want to ask this of you..." They sighed and glanced over their shoulder at Ghashiun as he laughed with his friends. "But I'd rather _not_ have one of Ghashiun's dumb friends steering the sand sailer. So I'll be out on the helm for him. I know you don't want to fight, but if this goes sideways-"

"I won't hide away if you're steering," Zuko said without hesitation. He didn't want to fight his people, but he was not about to leave Sarnai open to danger. "I'll watch your back. Your idiot brother's too."

Sarnai huffed a weak laugh and squeezed Zuko's arm. "Thank you. Hopefully this all goes according to their hare brained scheme, but I'm not counting on it."

With Ghashiun's addition to the group, there were four sand sailers. He and four other sandbenders would circle the caravan's camp to prevent anyone from escaping and to kick up a sizable dust cloud. Three of the youngest Hami steered the sailers, and Sarnai volunteering to participate freed another to take part in the actual raid. Four sandbenders and two nonbenders would swarm the camp, restraining anyone who fought and grabbing anything of value before the sand sailers finished their tenth rotation around the camp. It was a strict time limit to decrease the chance of the merchants making sense of the chaos and fighting back.

With Zuko's usual spot occupied by two Hami teenagers, he joined Sarnai on the raised platform of the helm. It wasn't the best position should things come to a fight, but it was best for defending Sarnai if anyone tried to target them.

At first, everything was going according to plan. Zuko watched through his protective goggles as clouds of sand filled the air and blinded merchants as they exited their tents, caught groggy and unaware just as the sun broke over the horizon. He lost sight of the Hami raiders as the sand clouds grew denser, but things _sounded_ to be going well. When the sand sailer completed its third circuit, fire erupted from the center of the camp and shouts of distress called out.

There were firebenders with the caravan. _Of course_ there were firebenders in the Fire Nation trade caravan. Had the sandbenders been counting on the caravan composing only of nonbenders, or had they seriously thought they could get in and out before having to face a firebender? Calls for retreat carried through the dust and the sand sailers slowed enough for their escaping friends to jump on.

Zuko felt the heat before he saw the fire. A fireball soared through the dust clouds, headed for the retreating sandbenders. There was no avoiding it. It would hit them and they would _burn_. But Zuko couldn't stop it. He was capable of it, but he couldn't. He just _couldn't_ firebend in front of all these people. The Hami tribe had no reason to keep his secret, and the Fire Nation traders would surely spread word about the desert dweller that bent _fire_.

All of Zuko's senses narrowed down to the rapidly approaching fireball. He heard Toph's words, explaining how she used her earthbending to interact with the world around her. Firebending could not detect vibrants, but was the world not composed of heat? The engraving ' _Wielder of the Gentle Flame_ ' also floated through his mind, followed by the echoes of his theories about Princess Akari's fabled soothing fire.

_'Stopping a fire from burning and a fire that doesn't burn can't be the same, right?'_

Zuko reached out, felt the warmth of his element, and _pulled_. The fire burned just as bright, flew just as fast at the sandbenders's backs. Nothing changed, except for the way Zuko's hands felt like they held a brilliant flame between them.

Several of the Hami on the sand sailers shouted out in despair as the fire caught up with their friends. The force of it made them stumble, pushed some to the ground, but the acrid scent of burnt fabric and flesh did not fill the air. Flames licked at the sandbenders clothes, but they were quick to douse the fire with their sand. No one cried out in anguish. Everyone that fell jumped back to their feet and resumed their retreat. Ghashiun laughed and called out a taunt about weak firebenders, a taunt echoed by his friends.

The fire touched them, but it didn't burn.

Sarnai did not join in the celebratory jeering as the sand sailers made their successful escape. They stared at Zuko, at the shimmer he held. The space between his hands was the same as the desert air when it was heavy with heat from the midday sun. If it weren't for Sarnai's gaping shock, Zuko would honestly think he'd imagined the whole thing. But there was no denying the ball of heat he held reverently as they retreated.

"Hui, you just bent the heat out of fire," they said in awe. The rush of wind kept their words from the others aboard the sailer, but Zuko heard them all the same.

Hysterical laughter bubbled from his chest as he dispersed the invisible inferno in his grasp to the growing desert heat as the sun continued its ascent in the sky. Sarnai's words bounced around his head, hardly making any more sense the more he repeated them to himself. This had to be a dream, a delusion, anything other than reality. It was impossible, but it still _happened_. Zuko flexed his fingers and turned to Sarnai in disbelief.

"I just bent the heat out of fire."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just have a lot of thoughts and feeling about the relationship of air and fire OK actually just a lot of Theories in general god bless yangchen memoirs to give me an outlet to write about them lol
> 
> also honorable mention to ghashiun for going from "shitty bison thief" to "endearing obnoxious Teen TM" in my mind lol
> 
> speaking of ghashiun, here's a sand sibs [extra](https://redriot.tumblr.com/post/637582445652361216/)
> 
> hmu tumblr @redriot anytime bc wow I sure am suddenly on tumblr a lot again lol
> 
> see yall in two weeks <33


	5. Making Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back and happy (soon to be) new year!!! 2020 has been a massive suckfest all around, but I can't fault it completely since ATLA renaissance happened this year lol. I've had so much fun working on this fic and yall support has been so wonderful <333 And without this fic I would have never met my lovely Jana??? Love ya Jana <333
> 
> Stay safe over the new years and let's see this hell year out goodbye 2020

_Blossoming Romance_

_Akari never allowed me to dwell on my frustrations and fears. She kept me busy practicing firebending forms of increasing difficulty, even if I could not use them as intended against an opponent. We had plenty of respites from training to relive our childhood days running rampant through the Fire Nation. This time, we spent less time exploring and more visiting Akari's assorted pupils spread amongst her people. The majority of my firebending lessons happened outside the palace training rooms rather than in them._

_Part of her agenda to distract me from my perceived failings was inviting our friends to Capital City. Siniq and Tarkik were the first to arrive, and were quick to change to their lightest clothes. They fared much worse in the heat than Akari had in the cold, and so suffered Akari's relentless teasing._

_I was overjoyed when Siniq and Tarkik said they had no set date to return home. They had been unable to visit Ba Sing Se, thus I got to see them when Akari and I returned for the Spirit Lights Festival._   
_I assumed they had stayed close to home to ensure Avatar Szeto's border around the spirit forest held. No, apparently it had been Akari's meddling that kept them away from Ba Sing Se. She had complained to them about Huizhong so much, they doubted her when she retracted her complaints and claimed Huizhong was redeemable._

_Oh, I was so mad at her. Tarkik joined me in scolding Akari for judging Huizhong too swiftly and then turning him against her before he met her. Siniq found the whole ordeal hilarious._

_(I didn't realize it then, but Siniq got her revenge for Akari laughing at her weakness to the Fire Nation climate. Akari's unfounded jealousy and petty grudge against Huizhong were the perfect ammunition for Siniq to tease Akari just as much.)_

_Huizhong arrived not long after the twins. I was in one of the many beautiful courtyards of the palace with Siniq when a guard led Huizhong to us. Akari and Tarkik were nowhere to be seen (off working on one of Akari's many surprises, I discovered later) so I was the only witness to the beginning of Huizhong and Siniq._

_I love telling this story. They will argue I embellish it too much and things did not happen in such a way, but they were too wrapped up in each other to see the whole picture._

_Spring passes quickly in the Fire Nation, but it is all the more breathtaking for its brevity. It is particularly beautiful in the royal palace, where generations of gardeners have cultivated the flora for the royal family's pleasure._

_Huizhong entered our courtyard framed by vibrant splashes of color. Her signature eye makeup matched the pink of the flower petals that floated down from the trees. The emerald of her eyes shone brighter than the green of spring reflected in the pond. She was always stunning, but just then she managed to steal the breath of spring itself._

_And so she captured Siniq's heart with a beatific smile followed by the words, "Ah, you must be Siniq. Akari said you are the gorgeous, muscular one."_

_I had never seen Siniq blush before. She was the one that said smooth lines and brought women to a swooning mush with a crooked smile. Tarkik asserts half of Agna Qel'a can recall their first crush being on Siniq. No one had ever flipped the script on her before._

_Graceful, confident Siniq tripped over her own feet in her haste to cross the courtyard and bow deeply to Huizhong. She glanced up with an absolutely besotted smile. "I'm afraid Akari was not so kind in her descriptions of you. Even Yangchen failed to mention how flowers cannot rival your beauty."_

_Huizhong giggled, made a joke at Akari's expense and it was all over from there._

_Watching Huizhong and Siniq dance around each other during their stay in Capital City provided just the distraction Akari hoped for. Well, perhaps not the exact distraction. She was just as surprised at the sudden development between our previously unacquainted friends, but loved the result nonetheless._

_It was precious watching them get to know one another and fall steadily in love. They both confided in me, and I was privy to the progression of their feelings as they figured them out. It also awakened a curiosity in me. I had never experienced such emotions as they described—the giddiness of uncertainty, the excitement of learning something new about another, the overwhelming desire to kiss the other._

_Fretting over my firebending was the last thing on my mind as I now fretted over my distinct lack of romantic overtures. As Huizhong and Siniq compared the intensity of their new feelings to past fleeting crushes, I could only wonder if I had ever experienced romantic interest in another. I was a young woman, how could I have never been curious about this before? I couldn't even blame it on my Air Nomad upbringing, for several of my airbender friends had written to me about their own ventures into romance._

_Oh, it's so amusing to remember what went through my head._

_I wondered if, perhaps, I had been blind to my own feelings. After all, my friends liked to point out my naivety to certain social interactions. Perhaps romance fell in the same realm as politics. Had I crushed on Siniq when I first met her? I had been rather enamored by her strength and confidence, but I never thought of wanting to kiss her. Tarkik was so kind and had a way of making anyone he spoke to feel special. Had I fallen for his gentle demeanor and never noticed? I thought Huizhong an unparalleled beauty, had I mistaken my first crush as a desire for friendship?_

_Perhaps I simply was not a romantic individual. There were plenty of people that cared deeply for others but never felt the need to engage in courtship. But that answer didn't satisfy me._

_It was then I wondered if Akari had ever had any crushes before. We spent many of our teenage years apart, and it was entirely possible she'd had passing romantic interests that she didn't think were worth mentioning. But, Akari told me_ everything _. (Except when she didn't.) I was certain that if she'd had any romantic inclinations, she would have said._

_I was just as certain that should Akari not have interest in others, she would still be overwhelmed with suitors. She was a crown princess, after all. Even if she were not an important political figure, who wouldn't fall in love with Akari after meeting her?_

_I was so close to realizing my own feelings, but I truly was as naive about romance as I was politics. At least I've gotten better with_ that _in a way I never will with court manners._

As awestruck as Zuko had been making a fire _cool_ , he also recognized his excitement was due to his inexperience. Bending heat wasn't something new. Uncle heated his tea up all the time by warming his hands. Firebenders were known to temper volcanoes by funneling the heat out of lava. There were the tales of Princess Akari's gentle flame that didn't burn. Though Zuko had never heard of an exact case like his, he doubted it was revolutionary or anything of the sort. He was content to write it off to luck and focus his efforts on finding Wan Shi Tong's library in his final weeks.

For a nonbender, Sarnai sure did have a lot of opinions about firebending. They refused to let Zuko push the incident aside. Despite Zuko attempts to dissuade them, Sarnai was convinced it was an impressive feat of bending that should be explored more.

"You're not even _trying_!" Sarnai whined, shoving Zuko's shoulder roughly.

Zuko scowled at the small fire lighting Sarnai's room. Neutralizing the ability to burn from that fireball had been a fluke born of desperation. There was no way Zuko would be able to replicate it, no matter how much Sarnai harassed him into trying. It had to be some sort of super advanced technique for him to have never encountered it.

"Yes I _am_ ," Zuko said, crossing his arms to glare at the fire. "I'm not as good of a firebender as you think I am. Clearly it was a lucky break and I can't do it again."

Sarnai rolled their eyes. "Of course you're not going to do it again if you're convinced you can't. Like I said. You're not _trying_. Close your eyes, think about what you felt when you did it last time."

The only thing Zuko felt was desperate. He had no thoughts other than the _need_ to act without exposing himself. He hadn't been _thinking_ when he reached out and hoped for the best. Replicating that just wasn't possible in Sarnai's room.

"It's not going to work!"

"You don't know unless you _properly_ try!"

Zuko growled. It had been four days already of Sarnai's relentless badgering, and Zuko was sick of it. Nothing was going to change regardless of how often Sarnai snuck off with him to try. Try, try, try. It was all Sarnai had to say. Trying was all Zuko could ever do and it was _never_ good enough.

"You know so much, why don't you try? Oh wait! You can't. _I'm_ the firebender here. You can't bend _anything_! What do _you_ know?"

As the words left his mouth, Zuko already regretted them. Sarnai recoiled, hurt flashing through their gray eyes. The taunt repeated and overlapped with another voice. Azula used to say something similar to shut him up whenever he tried to help her on the rare occasion she struggled with her firebending lessons. His input had been unwanted and unneeded; she was several years ahead of him in her training. He may have well been a nonbender in her eyes.

"Sarnai, I-"

The apology died in Zuko's throat as Sarnai leaned into his space with narrowed eyes.

"Do you think I haven't tried?" They hissed. "What do _you_ know, Mr. Firebender? Have you ever felt your element, but couldn't answer its call? I hear it, Hui. I _hear_ it when it starts to blow harder with warning of a coming storm. I _suffocate_ with it when the midday sun weighs it down and holds it in place. I _celebrate_ with it as it runs its fingers through my hair and asks me to play along. But I _can't_ answer. I can't give my thanks, can't make it room to breathe, can't join in its games."

The room was too small. The fire crackled. It laughed at him for his carelessness. When Sarnai first told Zuko about sandbenders of air, he had been the one to suggest Sarnai should have been an airbender. They never said outright that they agreed with him, but Zuko _knew_ they did. He saw the way they turned to the first sign of a breeze, how they never smiled brighter than when air currents whipped around them. To hear them say it now, prompted by his hurtful words...

"I didn't- Sarnai, I'm-"

"Shut _up_ , Hui," Sarnai snapped. "I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty. I want you to stop entertaining whatever dumb shit is going through your head. I want you to close your eyes and remember what you _felt_. Not what you thought. Not what you were feeling emotionally. What you _felt_ from your element. If I can hear the air, you can hear the fire. Now shut up and _listen_ to it."

This was still stupid, but Zuko was guilted into following Sarnai's instructions. With a deep breath, Zuko closed his eyes and settled into a meditative position. His inner fire burned strong, danced under his skin as he turned his attention to it. That was the problem with Sarnai's theory, wasn't it? Fire wasn't _like_ the other elements. It came from within. Fire was Zuko, Zuko was fire. Listening to himself was no different from listening to his fire, right?

But, that wasn't quite right either, was it? Firebenders generated their own element, but that didn't cut them off from the rest of the world. It was easier to bend in warm places because the sun lent its power. All fires connected to Agni's rays in some shape or form. They didn't connect with Zuko.

Years of strict tutors and Azula's lectures of superiority ingrained in Zuko that the only fire _worth_ bending was his own. When it was a fire Zuko did not originally create, like in the boiler room of the _Sazanami_ , he took complete control of it and _made_ it his own. But, why did it have to be that way? Why did he have to _possess_ his element?

Sarnai described air like it had a personality. They had a relationship with it, communicated with and through it even if they couldn't control it. And wasn't that how Toph described the way she saw through the earth? She listened to her element, allowed it to guide her in a way one's eyes never could. Zuko had thought briefly of Toph when reaching out for the fireball, hadn't he?

Reaching out was scary. Zuko knew _his_ fire. He didn't have to communicate with it. If Zuko didn't dominate fire, there was a chance it could reject him. Zuko was a poor firebender. It would make sense if fire found him lacking if he gave it a choice. Communicating with his element would only end in a disaster, he was sure of it.

But if _Sarnai_ could connect with an element they couldn't bend, how could Zuko keep their respect if he didn't even _try_?

Another deep breath. Zuko squeezed his closed eyes, pressure made the illusion of light dance across his eyelids. In the insulated protection of sand and leathers, the desert heat still permeated its way inside Sarnai's room. It enticed his inner fire with the promise of the desert sun's strength, of Agni's strength. There was no way _Agni_ had anything to talk to Zuko about through the day's heat. Zuko sucked his cheeks between his teeth and bit down. The small pinprick of pain helped focus him, kept his mind from wandering to the futility of this exercise.

Forget about the sun, about Agni. There was another heat source in the room. Zuko _knew_ it was there, even if it was too small to contribute to the current temperature. Sarnai had lit the fire with spark stones. It wasn't Zuko's fire, and he hadn't pulled it under his control yet. Zuko's chest hurt as his heart thudded violently against his rib cage. How did he communicate with a fire without commanding it? Was intent enough to start a conversation?

Spirits, this was ridiculous.

Zuko exhaled and _reached_. His eyes were still closed, but the room suddenly felt so _bright_. Three spots were brighter than their surroundings. Zuko _felt_ the heat of the fire. He- He felt Sarnai's heat, his _egg's_ heat, warm with their inner fires. The physical flames in the room shuddered, invited him to pay closer attention to them. It was so small; would burn through its meager fuel within the hour. Fire didn't feel sorrow or regret for its short life, it only burned and would happily burn till it was nothing more than cooling ashes and dissipating smoke.

Distantly, Zuko heard Sarnai encouraging him to try bending the heat out of the fire. It danced with interest. The room's hovering heat quivered curiously. Zuko didn't want to dominate the bright sparks around him. None of his firebending moves felt right. He pictured the way Ghashiun swirled his arms to whirl his sands and make wind to propel the sand sailer. Before he could doubt himself, Zuko moved his arms in the same pattern. After so many weeks beside Ghashiun as he bent the sand whirlwinds, it wasn't hard to mimic the movement.

The warmth of the room spun around in trails of playful light. Zuko pulled it closer. It encircled him like an embrace, covered him like a blanket, warmed him like the sun's rays. Rather than pulling it into him, Zuko rolled the bright feeling until it condensed into a ball between his hands. When he opened his eyes, there was the faintest shimmer of hot air, but the flicker of the fire remained in the center of the room.

"Sarnai!" Zuko shouted, realizing his cheeks _hurt_ from how wide he was smiling as he looked up and met Sarnai's equally delighted grin. "I did it!"

"I told you so," they said, too excited to be smug. Without a shred of hesitation, they shoved their hand into the flames of the fire pit. Zuko's shout of horror cut off in a strangled croak of surprise as Sarnai wiggled their fingers between the flames, laughing. "This is so strange!"

"Take your hand out, I'm putting it back," Zuko said weakly. Sarnai was so _stupid_ to blindly trust his success like that. The second they brought their hand to their side, Zuko released the ball of heat. He didn't realize how _cool_ the air had been against his skin until the room was back to normal.

Sarnai collapsed to the ground with an exaggerated sigh. "Oh, you _have_ to keep practicing that. It was a delightful temperature in here when you started moving all that stale heat around."

Although Zuko wasn't focusing on it anymore, he could still feel the fire's dance, the hovering presence of the day, the strong swirl inside Sarnai, the steady pulse of his egg. His breath caught. Was this how Toph felt? Could he learn to feel even _more_ around him?

This was ridiculous, absurd, went against everything his firebending instructors taught him. But he wasn't going to stop now. Zuko laughed breathlessly, mind racing with all the possibilities of this technique.

"Think Ghashiun will let me practice on the sand sailer?"

Sarnai barked a loud laugh as they sat up, eyes shining. "Seriously? We're going from it's 'impossible to bend heat' to wanting to use it for a sand sailer? You're fucking insane. Let's do it."

_The Gentle Flame_

_It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize Akari and Tarkik disappeared for hours on end together. I was thoroughly distracted by playing witness to Huizhong and Siniq falling madly in love._

_Their vacation could only last so long, however. Eventually, Huizhong and Siniq said their farewells to go home, with promises to return soon. Tarkik stayed behind. It was only then I realized how rarely I saw Akari or Tarkik without the other._

_I wish I could say I did not immediately suspect another burgeoning romance. It made sense at the time, especially with the atmosphere Siniq and Huizhong created with their flirting. Tarkik is calm and responsible where Akari is rambunctious and impulsive. They are both adventurous and have mischievous streaks. I still stand by my assessment that they would have made a lovely couple if they'd had any attraction to each other's gender._

_They laughed right in my face when I attempted to inquire after their affections for each other. There was no developing relationship between them. Instead, they were busy developing a new firebending technique. Unbeknownst to me, this was something Akari had been working on ever since she'd met Tarkik._

_All those years ago, when Akari forfeit part of her inner flame to rejuvenate me, she promised to never try feeding another's inner flame again, but she never forgot. How could she forget her fire_ healed _me? Trying to recreate this ability without the threat to her soul was at the forefront of her mind for years. Of course she interrogated Tarkik about waterbenders' healing at the first chance she got. Tarkik then became just as fascinated with the idea of a healing fire, and eagerly took on the role as teacher once more._

_They mostly discussed theoreticals and expanded Akari's knowledge of human anatomy through letters. Occasionally, between visits to Ba Sing Se and her responsibilities as a firebending instructor, Akari returned to the North Pole to work with Tarkik. There had been no rush to their research, until Akari decided a healing fire might be the only way for me to turn my firebending against an opponent._

_I have since overcome my struggles with controlling my flames, so few realize Akari's titular Gentle Flame was completed for_ me _._

 _While she and Tarkik were never able to perfect a_ healing _fire, Akari's gentle flame was revolutionary nonetheless. It was also exactly what I needed to complete my firebending training. Few of Akari's students have achieved this difficult technique. Willpower is the driving force of firebending, and remains so with the gentle flame. The wielder's intention to cause no harm must outweigh their fire's nature to indiscriminately burn. One must direct their fire to burn in a metaphysical sense._

_When properly harnessed, the gentle flame temporarily burns the connection between sensation and awareness. A body's limbs go numb to the mind. While it may not heal in the physical sense, freeing a suffering patient from their pain is invaluable to the healing process. In a fight, it grants the wielder the advantage of fire's strength and power without the fear of causing irreparable harm. When it makes contact with an opponent, the numbing capability often throws them off and assists the gentle flame wielder's victory._

_With the protection of Akari's gentle flame, I finally overcome my fear of the strength of my fire._

The end of Hui's stay was fast approaching. Sarnai wanted the library to show itself before the deadline Hui's uncle set. But they also selfishly hoped it would remain elusive so Hui would _have_ to come back and continue searching. It was very selfish and Sarnai hated themself a little bit for wishing such a thing, but wish they did. Life with Hui was brighter, gave Sarnai hope for things they thought they had given up on a long time ago.

At first, Sarnai hadn't noticed the change. They were just happy to have someone new to question and share stories with. But Hui was different from Professor Zei or any other of the rare guests to stay with the tribe. The wind was louder with Hui around. It pushed harder, swirled faster; it made Sarnai _yearn_ for the wind in a way they hadn't for years.

Perhaps all firebenders affected the air around them with their innate heat, or perhaps it was Hui and his special egg. Maybe the wind knew one of its children slumbered under Hui's care and reached out to it. Maybe, just maybe, as the wind reached out for its child lost to time, it noticed its child of the desert it had forgotten.

Sarnai feared the wind would forget them again once Hui left.

He made promises to visit Sarnai when his travels brough him near the Si Wong again. While Sarnai didn't doubt his sincerity, they knew it would be a long time until Hui could uphold such promises. The wind carried whispers of a long journey ahead, of a destiny that would not let Hui return until it was fulfilled.

Even if Sarnai could fool themself into thinking they could be a part of Hui's journey, they knew their heart belonged in the desert. For every story, curiosity or experience from outside the desert that Sarnai cherished, there was a contrasting story, curiosity, experience from the Si Wong. They had lived for seventeen years in the Si Wong's embrace without learning all it had to offer, and Sarnai would continue to live out their years discovering new things about their home.

And maybe, just maybe, the desert wind would answer _their_ call one day. Until that day, Sarnai would keeping listening. They would listen and they would yearn.

Tonight, the wind was particularly chatty. It played with the limp fabric of the sand sailer and accompanied Hui's tale of a dragon stuck among the stars with a soft whistle. Seated at the edge of the sand sailer's helm, the rest of the world faded away to the bright night sky and the night breeze.

Hui's story was not for Sarnai alone. His egg sat in his lap, and he absentmindedly swirled the day's lingering heat around it. The ever-glowing egg seemed to shine a little brighter under the stars as Hui shared the warmth of his element and love. Sarnai hoped the little dragon inside would hatch soon and return Hui's love tenfold.

A sudden, strong gust almost toppled Hui from his perch. Sarnai started to laugh at his disgruntled scowl, but the wind pulled their attention past Hui and to the dunes surrounding the tribe. Something scurried to the top of a sand dune, then turned its glowing blue eyes at Sarnai. The wind swirled, pushed, and Sarnai knew.

"Hui, _Hui_ , look!"

He followed Sarnai's finger to the creature and gasped. "It can't be-"

"That's a Knowledge Seeker," Sarnai whispered, as if speaking its name aloud would make it disappear. The fox-like spirit sat on the dune and cocked its hair at the pair. "I think- I think you need to follow it."

Hui fumbled for his bag to secure his egg. "Go and get Ghashiun! I'll keep an eye on it and hopefully we'll be fast enough to catch up if-"

"You can't take the risk." Sarnai felt disconnected from their body. This was it. They were supposed to have at least a few more weeks. Tomorrow was supposed to be the start of their final adventure with Hui, but it seemed destiny had other plans. "Supplies are already loaded. You've practiced enough with the sailer, you can do it without Ghashiun. The Knowledge Seeker will guide you right to the library. And you know how to follow the compass to the outposts to go home."

"What? No- But-" Hui glanced frantically between Sarnai and the spirit. It swayed with the intent to move. "You'll come with me? I'm not good at steering and bending! And what about sand sharks I'll need back up-"

The wind buffeted the sail; it billowed and snapped. The spirit startled and began its descent from the sand dune. Sarnai pulled Hui into a tight hug, then strapped him into the bender steering harness.

"I can't leave without word to Dad. And someone needs to let your uncle know." Sarnai jumped off the sand sailer. They felt weightless, untethered. "Not to mention someone has to cover your tracks. You're supposed to be a nonbender, remember? I'll figure something out, don't worry. But you need to go. Now!"

The spirit was almost out of sight. Hui hesitated, but the breeze whisked sand upward, toward the spirit. He swirled the desert's heat, prevalent even in the dark of night, urged it faster to coax air to fill the sail.

"I'll write to you with what I learn there! I'll come visit the first chance I get!"

Sarnai fought back their tears. They wanted to pull Hui back and never let him go. The wind danced around him, guided him forward and _away_. Hui smiled, a glint of tears reflecting out of his golden eyes.

"Thank you, Sarnai."

It wasn't a goodbye.

With a shuddering breath, Sarnai waved until Hui turned his back to focus on following the Knowledge Seeker. They continued to wave until the sand sailer disappeared behind a high sand dune. Whispers carried on the wind of promises and beginnings.

_Firebending Mastery_

_Once I was able to harness the gentle flame technique, I rapidly progressed with my firebending. Even with the setback of my dangerously hot fire, I reached mastery in just over a year._

_At fifteen, I discovered I was the Avatar._

_At sixteen, I received my airbending tattoos and was acknowledged as the Avatar._

_At seventeen, I passed my waterbending mastery trial._

_At twenty, I was declared an earthbending master._

_At twenty-one, I defeated Akari in a firebending match and claimed the title of firebending master._

_This victory was my first moment as a fully-realized Avatar. A six-year journey coming to a close. Nevertheless, that moment will forever be overshadowed by Akari throwing herself at me in celebration and pulling me into a kiss._

_The world made sense with Akari in my arms as her lips slid over mine. I love her. I had_ always _loved her. My love for Akari is as certain as the sunrise. It is brilliant, dependable, ever-lasting. I had basked in her loving warmth for years without realizing what it_ meant _until she initiated that first kiss._

_Where I was oblivious to my own heart, Akari had always known. For as long as she could remember, Akari knew she loved me and would spend the rest of her life by my side. Even when plagued with jealousy, Akari never doubted I loved her just the same. Akari- She truly knew me better than I knew myself at times._

_Since Akari was confident in the inevitability of us, she saw no reason to define the nature of our relationship or change how we expressed our affections as I focused on completing my Avatar training. She had every intention of letting things continue as they were until I secured my position as the keeper of peace and balance._

_All plans and intentions went out the window in her exuberance at my success._

_She claims I was too beautiful to_ not _kiss. I argue she simply wasn't thinking and acted on impulse, as she is wont to do. Her assertions are much more romantic, so I let her have it though I know I am right._

_My heart aches as I'm smiling at the words I put to parchment. I am grateful for Akari's impulsiveness. Without it I do not know how long it would have taken me to know the bliss of holding her in the middle of the night, of stealing her lips in a soft kiss, of learning all the ways I could express my adoration. I cherish every bit of time we had exploring the facets of our love._

_I wish I did not have to explore the ache of loving her while her spirit rests._

Zuko's vision blurred as the morning light glared in his eyes. His skin stretched painfully across his limbs, abused by the sandy wind and harsh sun. The muscles in his arms burned and trembled, threatened to give out at any moment. His stomach panged with emptiness. Thirst scratched at his throat.

There was no chance to stop and eat or even cover up as he chased after the Knowledge Seeker. Without his recently developed heatbending, Zuko wouldn't have lasted an hour. By guiding the desert heat, rather than generating his own fire, he achieved the endurance he once marveled at Ghashiun for. But, his endurance was close to giving out. The library spirit was relentless, only ever stopping long enough for Zuko to keep it in sight. It seemed to want him to follow, but didn't care if he survived the journey to the library. It was likely he _wouldn't_ survive if he had to continue much longer.

The Knowledge Seeker disappeared around a dune. Zuko didn't have the energy to curse. He grit his teeth and forced himself to bend just a little faster. If he lost track of the spirit after all this-

Around the dune a stone spire jutted out of the sand. Zuko dropped his arms, but without sandbending to act as a brake, the sand sailer had enough momentum to continue coasting across the ground straight for the spire. Panicked, Zuko did the first thing that came to mind. He quickly called heat back to the sail, then jerked his body and the steering harness to the side. The sand sailer turned too fast and tilted to one side. As it began to topple over, Zuko realized the fault in his logic, as he was still strapped to the steering post. Sand exploded around him as he was thrown off his feet and the harness jerked him from his fall, leaving him to dangle helplessly from the sideways sand sailer.

Fantastic.

With the last of his strength, Zuko pulled himself up to create slack on the harness to unhook himself. He remembered his egg in the bag on his back too late, and twisted to land face-first into the sand. Slowly, he slipped the bag off his shoulder and rolled to his back with an exhausted groan. _Everything_ ached. How was it possible for his tongue to ache?

As much as he wanted to curl up and rest where he fell, Zuko could feel the sun burning into his exposed skin. He couldn't push himself to his feet, but he at least managed to crawl through the soft sand to hide in the shade of the crashed sand sailer. Time escaped him as he succumbed to exhaustion.

The punishing light of the sun as it moved across the sky and took away Zuko's shade roused him. His eyes were crusted with sand. The skin of his scar _stung_. Dehydration must be playing tricks with his mind, because he saw two glowing eyes staring right into his. The weight on his chest however argued that the spirit was not his imagination.

Zuko yelped and scrambled back as the Knowledge Seeker jumped off him with a barking laugh. They stared at each other for several moments, then it looked away and jumped on the supplies that should have been packed away on the sand sailer. The sand sailer that had been on its side and half buried in sand, but wasn't anymore. What- How-?

"Um, did-?" Zuko choked on his words and broke down into dry, painful coughs.

The Knowledge Seeker picked up a water pouch and trotted over to Zuko, dropping it on him. Trembling, Zuko grabbed the canteen and chugged half of its contents before remembering he should be rationing his water supply.

"Th-thank you," he rasped as he pulled the canteen from his lips. The Knowledge Seeker replied with an eerie canine smile and sat next to him. Zuko still wasn't convinced this wasn't all a hallucination. "Why are you helping me?"

The spirit yipped, then turned from Zuko and ran up and through a window into the spire. It wasn't so much an answer as it was an invitation to find out. Zuko was still exhausted, but his nap and a bit of water gave him the boost needed to at least take proper cover.

Thankfully, the window was low enough Zuko could reach the ledge if he stood on his toes. He peeked inside and in the dim light could make out rows upon rows of distant bookshelves. Adrenaline shot through him. He did it! He found Wan Shi Tong's library!

It probably would be better if he rested some more before venturing down into a spirit's domain. The stories said that ever since Wan Shi Tong buried his library, he was bitter towards humans on his best days and outright vicious on his worst. Facing a temperamental spirit after sailing across the desert all night was not the best idea, but it was preferable to spending one minute longer outside.

As Zuko repacked and secured his supplies to haul them down a rope, he ate a light meal and made sure to, slowly, drink more water. By the time he was ready to head down, he was less likely to collapse the second his feet touched solid ground. No better time than the present.

Repurposing the steering harness from the sand sailer saved Zuko's arms from giving out on him as he slid down the rope. He marveled at the vastness of the library. Sunlight streaming in through the single window illuminated only a small portion of Wan Shi Tong's collection, but it was still amazing. There were _centuries_ of knowledge in these walls. How could Zuko possibly hope to find what he needed before he was old and gray?

The rope reached its end before Zuko reached the suspended walkway below. He unhooked one of his supply packs. It hit the ground with a soft thud. That didn't seem too far of a drop. Once the rest of his supplies were free, Zuko wondered how he was supposed to get back out if he couldn't reach the end of his rope.

That would be something for him to worry about when he got there. He wasn't about to turn around _now_. Zuko swung his bag around to his chest, unhooked his harness, then swung off the rope. He rolled through the momentum of his fall and jumped to his feet with a giddy smile. Or perhaps it was a delirious smile. Was he excited, or was his head spinning?

The Knowledge Seeker chirped, suddenly at his side, and nudged his leg. Its glowing eyes swam in Zuko's vision. Oh, that probably wasn't good. Zuko registered the distant sound of a bird's wings as he succumbed to darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finger guns
> 
> lmao id also like to make a formal apology bc... for some reason it didn't fully click in my head that yall would think zukos heatbending was akari's gentle flame till yall were commenting about it so! Ahha unintentional twist there!
> 
> And suppose I should apologize for this cliffhanger Ooooops (not sorry, kissesss<333)
> 
> It's taken... 5 chapters BUT WE'RE HERE! WE'RE IN THE LIBRARY!!!!!! 
> 
> We'll be back in two weeks to find out what happens :3 Will Wan Shi Tong kick Zuko out? Will Zuko get adopted? Will he find Yangchen's memoirs. I DUNNOOOO
> 
> In the meantime, I've committed to an ATLA sideblog so feel free to scream at me anytime [@fanboyzuko](HTTP://fanboyzuko.tumblr.com/) (bc spoiler yeah he's gonna find the memoirs and he's gonna be such a lil fanboy i cant wait)
> 
> have a happy new year!


	6. Hard Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey, Jana, ilu best beta ever ;3
> 
> And love you my lovely readers <33 Hope you enjoy the surprise in today's chapter :D Also, there's quite a few fun extras in the end notes when you get there ;3

The wet press of an animal's nose roused Zuko. Did Sarnai drag a dog goat into their room to be annoying? Groaning, Zuko tried to push them away, but his questing hand hit empty air. A shrill animal bark that sounded nothing like a dog goat screamed in his good ear, and Zuko immediately shot upright. He wasn't with the Xitao anymore. He was in the library after following a Knowledge Seeker across the desert and-

"I fear my judgement is unreliable in discerning the age of humans," said a deep voice coming from a towering _owl_. "However, I do believe you are much too young to be wandering into my halls on your own. Human child, what has brought you here and in such a state?"

Professor Zei never said what Wan Shi Tong was supposed to look like. The few tales the sandbenders told him implied the spirit was bird-like in nature, but this was beyond anything Zuko could have imagined. He stared speechlessly up at the massive spirit. The Knowledge Seeker at his side barked again and nudged him.

The owl sighed and tilted its head. "Other than my Seeker, who seems to be inexplicably fond of you."

"Are you Wan Shi Tong?" Zuko blurted out. A hot flush filled his face as soon as the words left his mouth. "No, of course you are. Sorry, that was a stupid question. Um- I've been looking for your library for a couple months now and followed your Knowledge Seeker when it crossed my path."

Beady, emotionless eyes kept staring down at Zuko. Wan Shi Tong clacked its beak and rustled its wings. "While I commend your resourcefulness in finding your way here, your venture has been in vain. My collection resides beneath the sand of the Si Wong for a reason. Humans are no longer permitted access here. I must ask you to leave the way you came."

"What? No! I can't!"

Wan Shi Tong looked to the dangling end of Zuko's rope. "Ah, I suppose that will be difficult-"

"No, no, no, I don't mean literally." Zuko struggled to his feet. Even with two impromptu naps, he was still _exhausted_. The Knowledge Seeker pressed against his leg in an attempt of support. "I can't just leave when I've finally made it! I need to learn as much as I can about the Avatar! You have to know that they've been gone for nearly a century. This is the best place in the _world_ for any hope of learning something-"

"And why do you need this knowledge, _human_?" Wan Shi Tong moved swiftly into Zuko's space, its blank face held mere inches from Zuko's wide-eyed stare. "The last human granted entry only wished to _destroy_. Why should I give his kin the opportunity to do the same?"

Last human? Kin? Zuko furrowed his brows for the briefest moment before realization hit. Zhao. It had been him to set Zuko off on this quest to begin with. Uncle warned Zuko that Zhao's intentions were not to be helpful, just as they hadn't been when he pointed Zuko toward a supposed Avatar sighting. _This_ was likely the hidden blade to Zhao's assistance. He had done something to piss off the ancient knowledge spirit and probably _hoped_ Wan Shi Tong would hold a grudge.

"Whatever that man did to disrespect you, I take full responsibility as his nation's prince." Zuko dropped into a low bow. His neck prickled, exposed to the spirit's sharp beak. "I am Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation. Though I may be banished and disgraced, I hope you accept my apology on behalf of my countryman. He is an arrogant man, only concerned with his own triumph."

Wan Shi Tong loomed over Zuko as it pulled up to its full height. The Knowledge Seeker circled around Zuko anxiously. "Do you know what it is you claim to take responsibility for, human child _prince_?"

"Um, no?" Zuko slowly eased out of his bow to better meet Wan Shi Tong's empty gaze. "But I'll do whatever it takes to gain your pardon so I can stay and use your library."

"Can you replace _centuries_ worth of Fire Nation literature?"

Cold dread ran down Zuko's spine. Surely Zhao hadn't destroyed part of Wan Shi Tong's library. Zuko just misunderstood the spirit. Surely. "Um- what exactly did he do?"

Laughter bounced around the library's walls, emitting from Wan Shi Tong's despite the lack of emotion on its face. "Wisdom is a skill acquired through age and experience. I will not hold your youth against you, child _prince_ , but do learn from your hastiness. Your countryman burned the Fire Nation wing of my library to ashes. In his desire to eradicate knowledge enemies could use against him, he erased the history, art, and culture of his own people from these walls. Do you wish to claim responsibility for his crimes, now knowing what they are?"

Zuko's already low opinion of Zhao managed to drop even further. On some level, he understood. It would be awful if an Earth Kingdom general learned of firebenders' greatest weaknesses or some other secret that could give the Earth Army the advantage on the battlefield. Just as awful was desecrating a _library_ , a _spirit_ library no less! Besides, the chances of someone else _stumbling_ upon this place were so low. Zhao should have taken out the most sensitive information and left the rest alone. Despite how horrid Zhao's actions were, Zuko wouldn't take back his words.

"The severity of his crimes do not make me any less his prince," Zuko said as he stood taller. "I cannot hope to pay reparations today, but one day- One day I will be the Fire Lord, and as the Fire Lord I will happily open our doors to your Knowledge Seekers to replenish as much of your collection as possible."

It was difficult to stand strong under Wan Shi Tong's unblinking stare, but Zuko refused to back down. The spirit finally nodded its head and looked to the Knowledge Seeker at Zuko's side. "Very well, your promise gains my pardon for your countryman's destruction. However, it will not be enough to grant you access to my collection. For knowledge gained, knowledge must be given in exchange. My Seeker believes you have something of interest."

Was _that_ why the fox spirit allowed Zuko to follow it? It met Zuko's frown with a wide grin. What could have caught its attention? Zuko thought back to what he was doing when the spirit appeared.

"Do you know the legend of the dragon in the stars?" Zuko asked, certain that was the only _knowledge_ the Seeker could have witnessed.

"I am familiar, yes. Perhaps the tale has changed since I last heard it, but that insufficient knowledge." The towering owl spirit craned its neck until its face was level with Zuko's. It tilted its head at an unerring angle to peer at his bag still strapped to his chest. "However, what you have hidden in your belongings may be sufficient payment for your entry."

Zuko's breath caught in his throat as he hugged his egg, nestled safely away in his bag. No! Never! He wouldn't give his egg up for _anything_! Avatar Yangchen entrusted it to him on behalf of Princess Akari. How could he possibly give it away as _payment_ to access the library? But... How could he possibly turn away from his first solid lead to finding the Avatar? Was his egg worth giving up the chance of going home?

"I don't- I can't-" Zuko's mind whirled. The Knowledge Seeker must have seen the egg in Zuko's lap and decided Wan Shi Tong would be interested in it. It wasn't fair! How could it guide him all the way across the desert--to the point of collapsing!--just for it to betray Zuko like this? Wait- Zuko had been warming his egg when the Seeker appeared. "Would- Would maybe new bending technique be sufficient?"

Wan Shi Tong tilted its head in the opposite direction. Was it in curiosity or in annoyance? Zuko had no idea. "Are you claiming to have created this new technique, human child prince? That is an audacious declaration for one with so much left to learn."

"Well, you tell me if it's actually new or not," Zuko snapped.

He reached out to the warmth of the room. The sun cast down from the single window, and with a deep breath Zuko swirled its heat to him. Glowing crystals lined nearby pillars, providing light where the sun did not reach. Though weak, Zuko still coaxed their faint warmth to join the sun's. Combined, it was strong enough for Zuko to whirl around Wan Shi Tong and tousle its feathers.

The Knowledge Seeker yapped and pranced around him. Perhaps _this_ was what it wanted to show Wan Shi Tong all along. Zuko sent the stream of heat around it and the spirit trilled a high-pitched, content sound as it rolled on its back and wiggled in the warmth. Zuko smiled at its antics, then jumped and released the room's heat when Wan Shi Tong clacked its beak.

"I should know better than to judge one's knowledge on age. Human child prince, I accept this lost bending technique as payment." Wan Shi Tong nodded to the panting Knowledge Seeker. "I believe that one is more than pleased to assist you during your stay."

Wind whipped around Zuko as Wan Shi Tong flapped its wings and took to the air once more. The spirit spared Zuko no second glance as it disappeared into the dim depths of the lower library. Before Zuko blacked out _again_ from the overwhelming amount of relief he felt, he dropped to the ground next to the Knowledge Seeker. It yipped and licked his cheek.

Somehow, Zuko _did it_. He found the Spirit Library, and passed the guardian's tests. Now, he was going to find something useful about the Avatar. Maybe he would finally find the path home.

_Duty of the Avatar_

_I had every intention of returning to the spirit forest of the North Pole to finish what Avatar Szeto started when he took over through the Avatar State. In my mind, it only made sense for my first action as a fully-realized Avatar to be fixing the mistake of my predecessor. Everyone dissuaded me from such a venture, though. Siniq and Tarkik spoke on behalf of their tribe that they didn't_ want _me to head straight to the spirit forest. They appreciated my dedication, but wanted me to establish myself with the world as a whole before I undertook a quest that had the potential to take me out of the public eye for several years._

_Indeed, requests for my assistance had begun to pile up once word spread I was training with my final element. I may have been a young woman by the end of my training, but there was still much for me to learn. Boma planned to continue traveling with me and assist me in working through the petitions for the Avatar, as well as the politics involved with many of them._

_He tried to convince Akari to stay behind as I answered my first appeal, but it was only a week after I completed my training—only a week since our first kiss. Akari had spent years restraining herself for the sake of my image with the rest of the world. But, the world had already accepted our friendship at that point. As my firebending master, there was no reason for other nations to complain about her presence by my side. Boma made a valiant attempt to persuade Akari, but there is no stopping her when her mind is made._

_Along the Mo Ce Sea coast once lay the prosperous city-state of Leceia. The king's sages foretold a vengeance against the city that would come from the sea. I stood vigil at the cliffs overlooking the ocean for several nights until the vengeance took form as a large, armored spirit. Then, I felt his grief and sympathized, but I did not understand. As I look back now, I recognize General Old Iron's agonizing sorrow. He lost a beloved friend; could find no solace other than in destruction._

_I was unable to stop the grieving spirit in his quest to demolish Leceia. He would not listen to my pleas to communicate and was too powerful to defeat. It took all I had learned to delay him long enough for Boma and Akari to evacuate the city. When dawn broke, so did General Old Iron's silence as he stood amongst the ruins of Leceia. The tale General Old Iron told me was nearly the same as, it turned out, Akari had heard from the king over the course of the night._

_General Old Iron had once been the friend and protector of the spirit Lady Tienhai. She tended to the shores of the Mo Ce Sea and welcomed the humans that started to bring life to her lands. While she was fascinated with humanity, General Old Iron resented them for the threat they posed to Lady Tienhai. He tried to destroy the burgeoning community, but Lady Tienhai stood between him and her humans. General Old Iron respected her wishes at the cost of their friendship. He refused to stand aside and watch Lady Tienhai eventually be harmed by humanity._

_For generations, Lady Tienhai guarded her lands and her people. She watched a small tribe grow into the flourishing city of Leceia. Once a year she took mortal form to walk the city's streets and marvel at the innovations of humanity. That is, until she met Prince Anwar. She was enamored by his creative mind and burning passion. They fell in love, and Lady Tienhai stayed in her mortal form to marry him. Prince Anwar became king, and with Lady Tienhai at his side, saw Leceia through many prosperous years. Their union was happy and full of love._

_Lady Tienhai died several days prior to General Old Iron emerging from the sea. He did not know of her life watching over the people of the coast nor of her life with King Anwar, only of her passing. Anger was the only way he could express his grief._

_With Leceia as rubble under his feet, he was still unsatisfied with his revenge. He accused humanity of killing Lady Tienhai. King Anwar, who'd approached us at the first sign of calm, wearily accepted his accusations._

_However, General Old Iron's friend had not been killed by humanity, but by her choice of mortality._

_Before King Anwar could further damn himself in the eyes of General Old Iron, Akari intervened to speak up on his behalf. She explained what King Anwar's own grief would not allow him to see. He blamed himself for falling in love with Lady Tienhai, for being the reason she abandoned her spirit form to live amongst humans. King Anwar_ wanted _General Old Iron to punish him for his perceived wrongdoings._

_I could not understand King Anwar in my youth, and yet I understand all too well now. Have I not been confronted with my own overwhelming guilt for Akari and Huizhong's passing? If a powerful entity had shown itself blaming me for their departure from the world mere days after I lost them, I likely would have agreed. King Anwar was at no more fault than I was._

_We cannot control the ones we love. We cannot—should not—wish they'd never loved us to spare us the pain of losing them. Lady Tienhai_ knew _her mortal form would die one day, but accepted that cost for loving King Anwar. Akari and Huizhong_ knew _the threat of fighting by my side, and continued to do so until the end. It_ hurts _. It is_ excruciating _. But it was not his fault for loving Lady Tienhai, just as it was not my fault for loving Akari and Huizhong. It is disrespectful to their memory to discredit their choices, their devotion._

_In my agreement with General Old Iron to stay his quest for vengeance, Lady Tienhai's lands were abandoned to nature. Once a year, my people and descendants of Leceia return to a statue of Lady Tienhai to honor her memory. After King Anwar passed, less and less of his people return to their ancestral lands. My people still honor Lady Tienhai, but they honor her dedication and sacrifice, rather than her story with King Anwar._

_With Akari and Huizhong joining King Anwar in the spirit world, there are two fewer people to remember and cherish this tale of love and sacrifice._

_Is it wrong for me to despair that, one day, Akari and Huizhong's story will be lost as well?_

Despite what some people may say about him, Zuko _did_ know when to take a break. As much as he wanted to go rifling through the endless bookshelves, it was important he recovered more from his perilous trek across the desert. The Knowledge Seeker was under the impression it had to force Zuko to rest and refused to guide him toward records on the Avatar. Zuko had every intention of eating and taking another nap after he picked up a few texts or maybe after he read through the first few paragraphs to pick out what to start with after his break-

But the Seeker would not hear anything of it, because it led Zuko to a small room clearly intended for visitors. It hosted a sturdy bed and a _bath_. The running water had to be the work of spirits, but Zuko didn't question it too deeply as he reveled in the unexpected luxury. Washed, fed, and having taken a proper nap, the Seeker finally relented to guiding Zuko through the library.

It was a vast building with an unfathomable number of books, scrolls, and exhibits. Zuko wished he had the time to wander through everything Wan Shi Tong's collection had to offer. There was a planetarium room! An aquarium! An alchemy room! Galleries upon galleries of artwork! One could truly spend a lifetime exploring these halls and never be in need of something new to learn. Professor Zei would likely never leave when he found his way here. Unfortunately, Zuko did not have the freedom to indulge his curiosities. He was here for a _purpose_ and could not dally.

The Knowledge Seeker ended its tour in an aisle created by towering bookcases. It yipped cheerfully as it jumped onto one of the shelves and curled up in an empty spot. Zuko stared at the row of bookcases in dismay. Was _all_ of this about the Avatar? How was he going to find anything useful in this overwhelming amount of texts?

He turned to the Knowledge Seeker to ask for help, then noticed a small plaque on the edge of the shelf the spirit rested on. Etched on the aged metal was a year. Zuko examined the surrounding shelves with a growing smile. Everything was sorted by years! That made everything _much_ easier.

Hours later found Zuko surrounded by piles of books and scrolls. His head felt like it was swimming with all the words he'd consumed. He had never read so much in his _life_. It was easy to discern there was nothing _concrete_ about the identity of the current Avatar. Less easy was finding academic publications musing about the Avatar's absence and what it could mean. From those papers, Zuko was able to pick out related topics. The more he read, th more confident he felt that the current Avatar _had_ to be an airbender.

There was no way the Avatar cycle had continued without _anyone_ noticing. Maybe Zuko could believe the other nations keeping the Avatar secret from the Fire Nation at first, but they would have rallied behind a water or earth Avatar and gotten the upper hand at some point in the past _century_. No, it was impossible for the Avatar to have been reincarnated.

That left academics with the same question: how?

Airbenders were supposedly wiped out with no survivors. That meant the Avatar died and was _supposed_ to continue the cycle. There were three main theories: the Avatar escaped, the Avatar had not been born yet, or the entire Avatar cycle broke when all the airbenders were exterminated.

Zuko _knew_ the last theory couldn't be true. If it were true, there was no way he was _ever_ going home. No, Zuko had knowledge all these academics lacked. The Air Army were not the only airbenders in the world. The Si Wong had once housed airbenders, so airbenders could return to the desert.

That put more credence to the second theory. If the Avatar hadn't been born yet, then the cycle was on hold until airbending returned to the Si Wong! What if Zuko had already met the Avatar during his time with the Xitao? It was possible that if he could find some way to bring bending back to people like Sarnai, the Avatar spirit would latch to one of them- _Sarnai_ could be the Avatar! Wouldn't _befriending_ the Avatar be better than capturing them? If the Avatar worked with the Fire Nation, then the war would easily come to an end and Agni's prosperity would cover the whole world!

But the more Zuko read into that theory, the less likely it seemed. Every single new Avatar was born the day the old Avatar died. Zuko was able to find records as far back as the unification of the Fire Islands. It was near impossible that the air Avatar's birth happened any amount of time after Avatar Roku's death.

So that left the first theory, which spanned into even more speculation. The Knowledge Seeker forced Zuko to his guest room before he could dive deeper into his research. The pesky thing was worse than _Uncle_ in making Zuko take breaks. When it curled around Zuko's egg as he warmed it, realization hit.

"You're just using me for my heatbending!" He accused, swirling the heat faster to ruffle the fox-like spirit's fur. "What kind of spirit are you, needing _me_ to get all toasty in the middle of the desert?"

The Knowledge Seeker wagged its tail, giving Zuko a pathetic look as it whined. Were spirits allowed to be so dang cute? Zuko gave his best eye-roll to disguise how easily he fell for the spirit's charm.

"I'm calling you Toasty."

Toasty trilled something like a laugh and licked Zuko's cheek, giving its approval of the name he supposed.

Come morning, Toasty let Zuko return to his research only after he ate a hearty breakfast and basked the spirit in warmth. Another Knowledge Seeker appeared around midday to help Toasty harass Zuko into eating lunch and _also_ demanded Zuko's heatbending skills. It seemed pleased being dubbed Blaze.

While Toasty preferred to nap as Zuko rifled through books, Blaze enjoyed fetching anything Zuko expressed a passing thought about. With its assistance, Zuko's research went by much faster.

He read through every single speculation about the Avatar's retreat. It had been only twelve years since Avatar Roku died when Fire Lord Sozin declared war with the Air Army. The Avatar had just been a kid who probably didn't even _know_ they were the vessel of the World Spirit... But multiple accounts supported the idea that the Air Army were usually the most adept at finding the Avatar at an early age, so the elders could have acted to protect the Avatar.

The earliest texts were full of speculation the Avatar was being trained in secret. As the years passed and a fully realized Avatar did not surface, some scholars entertained the theory that the Avatar was in the spirit world. It made sense. Supposedly, time moved differently in the spirit world. The Avatar could be oblivious to how long they had been gone from the mortal world.

Mixed amongst historical records and academic musings were countless texts about the philosophy of balance and the spirituality of the Avatar. Blaze seemed to think they would help Zuko, but they just confused him whenever he tried reading them. Once he recognized the insignia stamped on these texts as a dumb _pai sho tile_ , Zuko avoided them on principle. Whoever these academics were, their infuriating roundabout way of writing made so much more sense if they thought pai sho was a good emblem.

Zuko didn't care about the ideology of the Avatar or these pai sho academics. Pushing those texts aside, there was little else of use to Zuko's search. He read everything that could relate to the current Avatar, and realized historians had no idea what the Avatar was actually capable of. Accounts after Avatar Kyoshi made the Avatar out to be an otherworldly being, but older accounts said the only thing special about the Avatar was the ability to bend all the elements.

One evening as Blaze and Toasty blocked the papers in Zuko's lap to force him back to his room, he came to the conclusion the Avatar archives had nothing else to offer his search. No one knew for certain where the Avatar was, and any records of past Avatars wouldn't help much in finding the new one. Either the Avatar was deep in hiding and a coward, or was stuck in the spirit world, or was missing for some other reason outside the realm of hypothesis. Regardless, it meant Zuko would have to continue wandering in hopes of finding a lead as to their location.

He wasn't going to let this conclusion discourage him. Zuko knew there was a low possibility of the library pointing him in the Avatar's exact direction. At least now he had a better idea of where to start looking once he got back to the _Sazanami_. But first, he needed to read up on airbenders to prepare himself for facing off this lost Air Avatar.

That would have to wait for morning, because Blaze and Toasty were _extremely_ insistent they use him as a pillow for the night.

_... Akari agreed with Air Nomad customs. Our union was strong through our word alone, no ceremony or paperwork would change the dedication we held for each other. However, the nobles were getting on her last nerves. The only way to make them accept we were bonded was to officiate it before Agni._

_The day before we were finally set to depart to the spirit forest, Akari presented to me a pair of betrothal topknot bands. It did not matter that our engagement was to appease the court. If we were to do it, we were going to do it properly. In typical Akari fashion, she went over and beyond._

_Silver is uncommon in the Fire Nation, particularly so amongst the royal family, but Akari commissioned the base of our betrothal bands to be made of it. Golden swirls of wind run along Akari's band, while golden flames spread along mine. They are a beautiful blend of our elements, and are only overshadowed by the beauty of our marriage bands._

_Akari had my band made to fit my wrist. It remains there to this day and will continue to once my spirit has joined my predecessors._

  
_The Northern Spirit Gateway_

_Parting from the others wasn't uncommon. Everyone had their own responsibilities to fulfill, and we rarely ever traveled as a group. But saying goodbye to Tarkik and Akari at the edge of the spirit forest was different from our usual partings. We had no idea how long Siniq, Huizhong, and I could spend wandering the borders of the spirit gateway. The weight of my betrothal band did little to assuage how dauntingly unknown our journey was to be._

_I likely wouldn't have survived if not for Huizhong and Siniq. They were invaluable companions; Siniq for her experience against spirits, Huizhong for her reliable strength. I may have had several years to settle into my role as the Avatar, but I was—am still—mortal and relied on the support of my friends._

_Due to Avatar Szeto's barrier, dark spirits were stuck within the forest. We made camp, foraged and hunted, fought dark spirits, and walked and walked and walked. Time lost meaning as we wandered amidst ancient, towering trees. It felt like an eternity. It felt like an endless day. Eventually, we found our way to the center of the forest where the gateway lay._

_The spirit gateways are truly of another world. They are blinding in their brilliance, as if the spirit lights that grace the night skies of the poles are condensed into a single radiant beam. In the northern forest, the gateway's red light casts the surrounding area in an eerie vermilion haze. One would expect tragedy to befall us in such a setting, but nothing stirred as we neared._

_Huizhong and Siniq stood guard over my form as I meditated to communicate with my past lives. The knowledge of my predecessors guided me to the faded restraints that prevented dark spirits from passing through the gateway. I remember my surprise of how easy the whole ordeal had been. In a matter of minutes, I sealed the northern gateway off from dark spirits._

_If only things were as simple as they seemed._

_Two years had passed by the time we left the forest, and closing the gateway was not the solution I had hoped it to be._

In Toasty's initial tour of the library, it brought Zuko by the ashy remains of the Fire Nation wing. The staggering size of the hall was overwhelming in its vast emptiness. As Zuko mourned the loss, he also comforted himself with the promises of what else the library had to offer. After all, the aisle that housed the Avatar archives was _massive_. It had nothing on the entire wing once dedicated to his nation, but the Avatar was an individual. It was impossible for even thousands of years worth of Avatar records to generate as much literature as whole nations.

When Zuko asked Blaze and Toasty to take him to the Air Army wing, he was expecting a room similar to the Fire Nation's. Zuko didn't know why he'd deluded himself into thinking Wan Shi Tong would have an abundance of airbender texts when the people themselves had none for him to find, but for some reason he had foolishly gotten his hopes up.

There wasn't an Air Army wing.

Somehow, the Air Army collection was _smaller_ than the aisle of Avatar records. At first, Zuko thought Toasty and Blaze misunderstood him and brought him to an airbending section of the library. Toasty visibly took offense to his doubt and pushed a book on his head. The title and author implied it was part of the Air Army's teachings. Was _this_ really it?

Zuko didn't like this. He didn't like the lack of historical texts. There was nothing about notable generals or influential battles. Blaze only stared at Zuko when he asked for a breakdown of the Air Army's battle tactics or organization. It couldn't point him to something that didn't exist.

Outside the bending scrolls, airbender sources themselves were meager. For every primary source, there were three more written from a scholar from another nation talking _about_ the Air Army- Air _Nomads_ as every paper insisted on calling them. That shouldn't be possible! An army needed records to work, to keep track of people and resources at the very least.

Unless... They weren't ever an army, were they?

Zuko had known something was off about the Western Stronghold- _Temple_. The building may have been in a prime location for defensive measures, but it was too open to be a stronghold. And he had seen it, hadn't he? Zuko _knew_ things weren't adding up. But he didn't want to see it. He disregarded what his sight was telling him, because seeing the truth was _painful_.

The more Zuko read, the more he had to acknowledge what he previously ignored. Guru Pathik had never been duped by the airbenders. They weren't masterminds of deceit. Every account supported the Guru's claim that the airbenders had been a peaceful, spiritual people. Were _these_ the lies that Guru Pathik saw blocking Zuko's sound chakra? Was this the hidden volcano he needed to find? Or was this just the beginning? It wasn't only Zuko who had been deceived. The entire Fire Nation believed the lies of a vicious Air Army.

Why? What was the justification for killing a nation of people that didn't want to fight?

His stomach twisted and his chest ached. How far back did this treachery stretch? Did his tutors even know they taught lies? Did Father know the truth? Did Uncle? Had Grandfather? Or Fire Lord Sozin, who had launched the attack against the Air Nomads. Had _he_ known they were peaceful, or had someone deceived him into this tragedy? If it weren't for the Fire Nation attacking the Air Nomads, maybe Sarnai would be able to airbend and-

A high-pitched squeak jerked Zuko out of his spiraling thoughts, startling him into taking a deep breath. He looked up from his shaking hands and stared at Blaze. It stared back at him with a cocked head. Zuko hadn't heard that kind of noise from the Knowledge Seekers before.

The squeak came again, now from Zuko's other side. He looked down to find a rodent the size of his fist with comically large ears. It jumped on its hind legs and Zuko felt the air at his side shift around it. He gasped as the creature spread its ears and caught the sudden updraft. It flew around Zuko, squeaking and spinning playfully in the wind _it_ generated.

Zuko held his hands out and the _airbending_ rodent landed in his palms. It squeaked again as it nuzzled against his fingers. This had to be a dream. Zuko was going to wake up from his nap any second now.

"Are-Are you a flying jerboa?" It bounced, squeaking what sounded like an affirmative. "Aren't you supposed to be, well, giant?"

The jerboa promptly bit Zuko's thumb hard enough he yelped and jerked his hands away. Wind caught the jerboa again and it floated in place, squeaking indignantly at him. Zuko muttered an apology, providing a platform out of his palms again, and the jerboa landed with a huff. Blaze rolled on the floor, cackling its unnerving laugh.

"Oh shush you," Zuko said to the spirit. He smiled at the jerboa. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. When my friend told me about your kind, they said you were big enough to ride. Have you been hiding here this whole time? You know, the sandbenders really miss you."

A stronger rush of wind disrupted the aisle Zuko sat in as Wan Shi Tong landed at the end of the bookcases. It turned its head to the side as it observed Zuko surrounded by books, scrolls, and a nest of blankets—holding his (maybe) dragon egg protectively—accompanied by two of Wan Shi Tong's Knowledge Seekers and a supposedly extinct creature.

"Human child prince, release the jerboa and forget you've seen it," Wan Shi Tong said.

Zuko raised his hands and flexed his fingers, trying to dislodge the flying jerboa from its perch. Rather than taking flight, it squeaked at him, then at Wan Shi Tong and refused to budge.

"I see. In that case, Almaz, leave the human child prince and return to your room."

The flying jerboa left Zuko's hands only to nestle into the crook of his neck, squeaking loudly all the while. Wan Shi Tong ruffled its wings, somehow able to exude an Uncle patented look of disappointment despite its expression never changing.

"Almaz. Leave."

When the jerboa stubbornly stomped its foot, Zuko spoke up cautiously. "It's fine. Um, Almaz can stay. I don't mind. Toasty and Blaze- I mean- Um- Your Knowledge Seekers have been spending time with me, so what's one more?"

"Their job was to assist patrons of the library when it was still open." Wan Shi Tong clacked its beak and shifted its weight between its feet. "The flying jerboa, however, took refuge with me when they were hunted down by you humans. They should remain hidden."

As if to spite the ancient spirit, a flock of squeaking jerboa of varying sizes rounded a bookcase and flew around its head. Zuko stared in open shock. There were so many of them! Sarnai would be _elated_ if they saw this, even if the giant flying jerboa weren't so big now.

"They're not hunted anymore!" Zuko exclaimed, jumping to his feet and carefully stepping around the texts strewn across the floor to approach Wan Shi Tong. "They don't have to keep hiding. The sandbenders really miss them and would be so happy if they came back!"

Wan Shi Tong shook its head. "No. They're safer here." It bent down to peer behind Zuko at his glowing egg in its nest. "Just as that would be safer here."

"No!" Zuko resisted the urge to scoop his egg up in a protective hug. He stood his ground and glared up at the owl spirit. "You can't have it. It's not some book you can put on a shelf and forget about! It needs to be warmed up every day to stay happy and glowing and one days it's going to hatch and it won't want to stay all cooped up in this library!"

"Don't raise your voice at me, human child prince." Wan Shi Tong elongated its neck and puffed its feathers, filling the aisle with its mass. "You know nothing of what is in your possession. Its kind were not so fortunate to take sanctuary like the flying jerboa did. You carry the last of the lóng, and humans cannot be trusted with its well being, especially not one so young and impetuous."

Perhaps picking a fight with a spirit wasn't the smartest course of action, but Zuko wasn't backing down now that he had started. He'd paid the price for his entry, and Wan Shi Tong was not about to change its mind and try to take Zuko's egg from him.

"I do too know what I have! It's a dragon that can bend two elements like the flying jerboa. My ancestor's destiny was to find it, so now it's _my_ job to make sure it's safe. And I will!" Zuko crossed his arms. "And are _you_ really so trustworthy to care for something's well being? I'm not an airbender, but I can tell you it's not fair to keep creatures of air out of the sky. How long has it been since the flying jerboa were home?"

A chorus of squeaks filled the library as the flying jerboa twirled around Wan Shi Tong. It took a step back, feathers falling flat as it cocked its head at the small creatures. With a neutral hum, it turned its body away while its face remained in place. Zuko suppressed a shudder.

"You are an interesting human, child prince. The jerboa have not expressed their discontent before, so I had not thought to inquire after it." It rattled off an impressively long list of names, looking at each jerboa as it addressed them. "Do as you please. I provide sanctuary, but I am not your keeper."

As Wan Shi Tong took flight, a horde of squeaking jerboa swarmed Zuko. He laughed as they nibbled at his clothes and bounced against him. Did he just win an argument against a knowledge spirit?

_Joined Before Agni_

_In our two year absence, Tarkik had his hands full holding Akari back from following after us. My ridiculous, beautiful, impatient Akari hated waiting for our return. She went to the North Pole as often as her duties allowed her. However, when Huizhong, Siniq, and I approached the gates of Agna Qel'a, Akari was not there anxiously pacing a hole in the palace._

_To my surprise, Indra--my Nomad friend to whom I entrusted Shosha to--was in Agna Qel'a to welcome us back. Over my absence, he took Shosha to visit Tarkik and Akari whenever she seemed glum. He and Tarkik enjoyed each other's company, and it did not take long for Indra to start visiting more for his sake than Shosha's._

_For all my friends love to tease_ me _for my oblivious nature, it took Tarkik years to realize Indra was interested in him._

_But I digress. Despite Akari missing from our welcome party, I was not disheartened. It had not felt like two years to us in the forest. If anything, I was_ ecstatic _for the opportunity to surprise Akari for once. As soon as I stocked up for the journey, I took Shosha straight to Capital City._

_Fire Lord Shaohao's open invitation from our childhood had never been lifted, especially so since I was announced as the Avatar. Palace staff welcomed me warmly and directed me to Akari, who was in a meeting with her father's council at the time. The servants had quite a sense of humor, for they did not tell me just what I was walking into._

_Decorum was never Akari's strong suit, and she cared little for it in the face of my surprise return. Surrounded by aged advisors and nobles, Akari did not hesitate as she raced across the room into my arms. Rather than inquire after my adventure or my well being, Akari's first question was if I would still marry her under Agni. Stunned and confused, I could only give her the smallest of nods. It was enough for her to turn to her father and declare our ceremony would be held within the week._

_Even with our official betrothal, the noble families of the Fire Nation had not ceased with their marriage proposals. However, Fire Lord Shahao backed our match, for it was an auspicious one. In a political arena, the Avatar is on par to royalty. Akari could not have done better in naming me her partner. Despite this, the nobles still hoped to bind themselves to the royal family._

_People endlessly misjudged Akari's character. They took her impulsive, adventurous nature to mean she was fickle, indecisive. The court royals did not understand how steadfast their crown princess was once she made a decision. Akari ~~likes~~ liked to say, loving me was not a decision but an inevitability._

_While our relationship was not a secret, we agreed it was best if the Avatar following Avatar Szeto did not flaunt her deep bond with a Fire Nation royal. Thus, our ceremony was a small occurrence with only our friends, family, and select nobles in attendance. It was unnecessary to confirm our love to each other, but it was still a beautiful event I hold fondly in my memories._

_Akari was breathtaking in her marriage robes. The deep reds and vibrant golds of her finery made the silver flames adorning her marriage topknot band stand out all the more. I am forever grateful Akari adapted the Fire Nation traditional bands, so I could wear them as bracelets. I love the contrast on my wrists of the golden marriage band with silver winds and the silver engagement band with golden flames._

_Gold and silver, fire and air._

_My hands can create both, but my heart is forever warmed by the flames of Akari's love._

Facing the reality of the Air Nomads was marginally easier with the cheerful flying jerboa prancing around him. The Fire Nation records were clearly wrong, but Zuko couldn't go digging in the archives to learn _how_ that had happened. Was it possible to hate Zhao more than he already did? There was nothing Zuko could do other than keep reading about the Air Nomads and educate himself. As long as he knew the truth, he could- what?

Was the Fire Nation just if they massacred a peaceful nation? How was that sharing Agni's blessing with the world? There had to be more to the story, but Zhao ensured Zuko wouldn't be able to find it now. But later, one day, Zuko would find the whole truth, and when he did, he could spread awareness.

(Zuko refused to question what he would do if the truth proved Fire Lord Sozin to be in the wrong. That was something for future Zuko to worry about.)

Misinformation and deceptions aside, Zuko couldn't get distracted from his primary goal. He needed to learn about the airbenders to find the Air Avatar. No matter the confusion and turmoil of acknowledging his incorrect education, he had to push forward. If he didn't work with _accurate_ knowledge, there would be no way of finding the Avatar. No wonder no one had been able to locate the Air Avatar before, if they didn't know how wrong their information was.

Other than airbending scrolls, the only other materials written by airbenders were philosophical discussions and debates. They were even worse than the ramblings by the pai sho group's papers back in the Avatar section. Zuko tried his best to drudge through the musings of ethics, spirituality, bending theory, and enlightenment. It was important to understand an Air Avatar's mindset to get the upper hand if things came to a fight, or perhaps even to sway them to the Fire Nation's side.

He tried, really, he did. But the articles were so _boring_ and would not to get to the point. Not to mention the flying jerboa decided they wanted to harass him even more than Toasty and Blaze. Almaz, accompanied by two larger jerboa named Badmaarag and Indranil, gleefully bounced on the words Zuko struggled to focus on or airbended the papers right out of his hands to force him to play.

The flying jerboa loved his heatbending. They delighted in playing a strange form of tug of war with Zuko, him directing streams of heat as they bent the heated air against him. Play breaks with the flying jerboa turned into Zuko studying airbending scrolls and testing out different forms to help him in his games against the creatures. When they realized he could sense them through his heatbending, games of hide-and-seek ensued. It was silly and fun, but Zuko justified the breaks as training.

On the third day of attempting to decipher frustrating airbender texts, Zuko broke. The _only_ thing he had enjoyed reading was by Avatar Yangchen's earthbending master, Huizhong. She was straight to the point and managed to explain some of the concepts Zuko had struggled to understand while taking them apart. Going back to another circular prose by some old Air Nomad was _torture_ after her refreshing writing.

"Blaze!" Zuko whined, dropping the scroll he refused to continue reading. "Is there more like what Huizhong wrote? My head will explode if I have to read one more monk's debate over the morality of discouraging insects from fields to improve crop growth."

The Knowledge Seeker cocked its head at him, barked, and ran off out of sight. Zuko tried to jump up to follow, but Indranil flew into his face and Toasty hissed from his lap. Almaz squeaked as it bounced on his shoulders. Badmaarag, who was almost the same size as the Knowledge Seekers, jumped on his _head_ , disrupting the whole group as Zuko scrambled to get away from her weight. Fine, he could take a hint and wait.

It didn't take long for Blaze to return, accompanied by yet _another_ Knowledge Seeker. Both of their mouths were full of scrolls and books, which they dropped around Zuko on the floor. A quick glance through the assortment showed a few more works by Huizhong, but also a number of historical texts about Avatar Yangchen and her companions.

Well, that wasn't exactly what Zuko had in mind, but... There wasn't _that_ much more to glean from all these dry, abstract essays. Zuko already had a solid grasp on theories surrounding the Avatar's disappearance and a good idea of the Air Nomad's true nature (boring, their true nature was _boring_ ). He had researched all he could to aid his quest for the Avatar. No one would fault him for looking more into Avatar Yangchen and the legacy she left on behalf of Princess Akari, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jazz hands THE JERBOA ARE HERE!!!! and the knowledge seekers have adopted zuko oh no who could have seen that coming
> 
> And now time for the goodies. I've been on an art commissioning spree as a present to myself and hmm oh boy HOWDY am I living!
> 
> First up, check out [Bun Ma, Ju Long, and Zuko](https://fanboyzuko.tumblr.com/post/639430143468781568/im-13-im-too-old-for-toys-famous-last-words) at the Summer Solstice Festival!!! by [sleazyjanet ](https://sleazyjanet.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And THEN! [Zuko and Zei being NERDS!](https://fanboyzuko.tumblr.com/post/640143940191911936/im-searching-for-the-lost-city-of-hkan-myahoet)!!!! by [delfisdoodles](https://delfisdoodles.tumblr.com/)
> 
> AMAZING WORK GOSH and there's a BIG piece by an artist i adore underway ooooh cant wait for that
> 
> (if any of you lovely readers are artists with open commissions well... im looking at you... im addicted. this is way better than impulsively buying anime shit. let me impulsively buy art)
> 
> aaannddd on that note feel free to hmu tumblr @fanboyzuko bc thats where i live now
> 
> see yall in two weeks~~~


	7. What Ifs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowza yowza well I sure have been a bit overwhelmed in the best way possible with the sudden influx of new readers. Thank you so much to all of you new and old for your continued support with this series <333 I'm excited for this chapter, hope you enjoy it!!!
> 
> And special eternal thanks to Jana my gorgeous beta ;3

If Avatar Yangchen had been around a hundred years ago, the war probably never would have happened, Zuko thought. Unlike the traitor Avatar Roku, she never would have made an enemy of the Fire Nation. After acknowledging the inaccuracies of his education regarding the Air Nomads, it was much easier to accept his misgivings about Avatar Yangchen were unfounded. She _clearly_ never would have purposefully betrayed Princess Akari.

For all the essays that pondered over the women's relationship or declared them as close friends, it was rather obvious to Zuko that his ancestor and the previous Air Avatar were essentially married. Zhao may have destroyed all Fire Nation evidence to support Zuko, but no _Crown Princess_ would name her nephew as her heir unless she was in a relationship that wouldn't bear children. Not to mention, Avatar or not, there was no way Avatar Yangchen would have accompanied Princess Akari to so many events if not as her partner.

Zuko assumed the Fire Nation's animosity for the Avatar _must_ have started with Avatar Yangchen, but it might have all been Avatar Roku's doing. Considering what he _did_ , Zuko could believe everything was his fault. It gave Zuko hope in convincing the new Air Avatar to ally with the Fire Nation when he found them. The Air Nomads had enough statues dedicated to Avatar Yangchen that Zuko knew they had revered her through three other Avatars. The new Air Avatar surely would look up to Avatar Yangchen and want to emulate her success, right?

Because she _was_ successful. The whole world seemed to have loved her! No issue was beneath her. She gave peasants suffering from spirit attacks the same attention as she gave Earth Kingdom royals asking her to help them with political disputes. The treaty she made with the Fifth Nation pirate fleet was so strong it lasted through Avatar Kuruk's entire life! She was so wise, there were _Earth Kingdom_ philosophers that referenced her regularly in their works. Those philosophers were much more bearable to read than Air Nomads.

Within every account of Avatar Yangchen's achievements, there was at least _some_ mention of Princess Akari. Zuko's namesake Huizhong and the Water Tribe siblings, Siniq and Tarkik, appeared almost as frequently. It was so easy to lose himself reading through the accounts of their adventures, and it didn't take long till the floor of the Air Nomad aisle was cluttered with texts from all over the library. Blaze and Glimmer, (as Zuko dubbed the third Knowledge Seeker to delight in using him as its personal heater) kept bringing something new as soon as he finished their last haul.

After days of reading about the exploits of not just Avatar Yangchen, but of _all_ her companions, Zuko could only curse Zhao to the depths of Koh's Lair. There was a glaring lack of Princess Akari. Oh, she was mentioned constantly, but all the records Blaze and Glimmer gave him were from the Earth Kingdom or Water Tribes. If the Fire Nation wing was still intact, maybe Zuko would be able to learn more about her gentle flame, or about her spirit dreams.

"You don't think something survived Zhao that would tell me more about Princess Akari, do you?" Zuko asked the Knowledge Seekers with a defeated sigh. Blaze and Glimmer wined and nuzzled against him. Yeah, he figured as much.

Toasty stretched with an exaggerated yawn. It jumped off its resting spot on the shelf above Zuko's head, then ran off. Zuko gaped after it. Blaze and Glimmer looked just as shocked as him. The flying jerboa squeaked and took off after the lazy spirit.

"Um, should we follow?"

Glimmer nudged his hand with its nose and yipped. Blaze rolled on its back and wiggled. Ugh, fine, Zuko would be on heater duty until Toasty returned.

These two never took longer than a few minutes to appear again with mouthfuls of documents for Zuko. He had no idea what it meant when Toasty had yet to come back almost an hour later. While they waited, two new flying jerboa came to play. They were the largest so far, standing up to Zuko's waist. Guessing their names was a fun way to pass the time.

Khuv and Nomin (which was which Zuko hadn't figured out) were the first to notice Toasty's return. They started squeaking and flying, then the usual trio of jerboa raced around the corner. In the chaos of high-pitched chatter and swirling air, Zuko almost missed Toasty waltzing over with a single book in its mouth.

It delicately placed the loosely bound collection of papers in his hands, then dropped on his lap with a proud rumble. The book had no title or author on its cover. He opened to the first aged page. Tight, even script greeted him. The header _couldn't_ be true... but...

' _If you have come across this book on your own, you may be doubtful of its validity. Perhaps you still feel doubt even if this was given to you by the one I entrusted it to. It's okay, I understand your doubts. I feel them myself even as I am writing to you._ '

Zuko laughed breathlessly. He rubbed Toasty's sweet spot behind its ear.

"This might be exactly what I've been looking for. Thank you."

_... Motherhood suited Siniq and Huizhong. They made a beautiful family with little Nukilik, and we were honored to be part of it. Akari was overjoyed to have another child to dote on and shower with love._

_If Akari ever lamented over the inability to bear her own children through her union with me, I never had the courage to ask._

  
_The Fifth Nation_

_I tried to compromise with the Fifth Nation countless times over the years. The Earth Kingdom wanted them eradicated, but I respected their unique culture. How could I not when Akari and I had a vested interest in mixed-bending societies? They were a fascinating people with largely Southern Water Tribe values, but with heavy influence from all the nations. The firebenders and waterbenders learned how to use their elements in tandem with their opposing nature. It was beautiful to behold, and Akari was enamored with trying to learn the Fifth Nation's firebending techniques._

_As fascinating as we found the Fifth Nation (and despite the many friend's Akari effortlessly acquired), there was no denying the havoc they wrought on the coastal towns of the Earth Kingdom and merchant ships. I tried to set them off the path of piracy. With their expertise and resources, they could have easily become a lawful trading or fishing society._

_We would come to a tentative agreement, and they would stop raiding for a time, but eventually they would return to their piracy lifestyle. Across all four nations, it was a popular opinion that the Fifth Nation were an aberration to nature. Their supposed savagery was seen as a result of the volatile mix of fire and water. There was no reasoning, no compromising with the Fifth Nation because they were corrupted by their blatant disregard for the order of the world. But I knew the Fifth Nation were not bad people._

_Was their violence any worse than the violence of disputing Earth Kingdom rulers? Nobles sent their soldiers in harm's way for the pettiest of offenses, and put citizens in the countryside at risk of getting caught in the skirmishes. While I would never accept brutality of any kind, were the Fifth Nation not at least better in their justifications for imparting hurt on others? They stole and fought in the name of survival and independence from other sovereign states._

_Our back and forth began to affect the Earth Kingdom's confidence in my capabilities as the Avatar. That I could not deal with their 'pirate problem' for good was a blight on my record they would not readily overlook. So, with Huizhong by my side, I set out once again to bargain for peace from the Fifth Nation._

_Huizhong had never accompanied me to meet Chief Willka before. This was the first time Akari did not come along to pester the benders of the Fifth Nation about their techniques. I have to admit, Akari's presence likely did more harm than good at establishing my authority as a peace broker with Chief Willka. It was easy, with her around, for me to get wrapped up in discussions about bending theories and tales of ancient civilizations that lived as the Fifth Nation did._

_Such distractions were not possible with Huizhong accompanying me. She hated boats, which was why of my friends, she was the only one yet to meet the Fifth Nation. It was not due to curiosity that Huizhong finally braved her distaste, but out of duty. Huizhong came not as the Avatar's companion, but as an emissary from the Earth King. The Fifth Nation had razed an entire town on the coast of Chameleon Bay and the Earth King had had enough of their actions._

_Chief Willka had two options: kneel to the Earth King and cease pirating or turn the Fifth Nation around and accept my aid in a life without raids._

_He chose a third option: fight_ us _._

_I was dismayed I could not reason with the man. It seemed violence was the only language he could speak, so I decided to communicate in a way he could not ignore._

_Freezing the ocean is no easy feat, even for an Avatar, but even freeze the ocean I did to trap the Fifth Nation's fleet in ice. My actions were impressive, but the fighting did not come to an immediate pause. No, it was Huizhong who brought the Fifth Nation to a halt. Avatar I may be, but Huizhong's earthbending ~~will~~ has always surpassed my own. She pulled from the depths of the ocean floor until it surrounded us in a towering ring of earth. The sight of her reaching the earth far below the water's surface froze Chief Willka and his people in terrified awe._

_In their hesitance, I reminded Chief Willka that I was raised an Air Nomad and in the ways of peace, and so taking a life is the last thing I ever want to do. But. I would not have to kill him or any of his people to destroy the Fifth Nation. I could raise a storm of the likes his fleet would have no hope of surviving. His ships would be destroyed. Some of his people would withstand the torrents of wind and treacherous waves, but he would lose countless more and possibly his own life. It would weigh greatly on my conscience, but I would do it to protect the innocent lives his actions have endangered and would continue to endanger._

_Huizhong also chimed in that she had no qualms sinking all his ships at that very moment._

_Whether it was my threats or hers that convinced Chief Willka, I do not know for certain. Regardless, we were able to come to a compromise that has lasted so far._

_Huizhong praised me for resolving the situation, just as she teased me for finding success in a political upheaval in the most straightforward way possible._

  
"I was right! Princess Akari's spirit dreams were about a fire and _air_ civilization! Wait till I tell Professor Zei about this!"

"Princess Akari is _amazing_ , Blaze! She was friends with an entire clan of wild dragons! Who does that?"

"What do you think, Almaz? Think we can try replicating Avatar Yangchen's air lantern together? --- No!? Spoilsport. Sarnai would try if _they_ could airbend."

"You guys cannot repeat this to anyone, but Siniq and Tarkik sound so _cool_!"

"Avatar Szeto better have been thankful Princess Akari befriended Avatar Yangchen, because who knows how biased she would have been against the Fire Nation if the Water Tribe had gotten to her first!"

"Come on Glimmer, I'm not saying all those historians are complete idiots. But if Avatar Yangchen just _wrote_ about Princess Akari in this sickenly adoring way, how could anyone have doubted their relationship?"

"Oh _Agni_ , I can't believe I named myself after the prettiest one of Avatar Yangchen's bunch. No wonder everyone's been giving me double takes when I introduce myself."

"Princess Akari really did live in a completely different time, huh? I bet Huizhong would fit into the Fire Court today way better than Princess Akari ever could."

"Avatar Yangchen sounds so _nice_. Do you think she would have wanted to be my friend? Oh, shush Toasty, I know she wouldn't. You just like me because I heatbend for you."

"Ugh, no wonder Guru Pathik liked the Air Nomads. I bet he would be all about this philosophical dribble."

"I wonder if a Fire Avatar feels so intensely about air like Avatar Yangchen does about fire. No, Blaze, I _don't_ want to read anything from that traitor Avatar Roku!"

"Haha! Can you imagine being so _stupid_ to your own feelings! Obviously she was in love with Akari the whole time! Hey- Nomin- Khuv- Stop! Why are you throwing dirt at me!"

"No wonder Akari's gentle flame has been lost through the years. It sounds so hard. What if- Ouch! Toasty! Oh fine, I'll save practicing till I get to my room."

"Why isn't there a play about Akari and Yangchen? It would be so good! Ugh, fair point, Badmaarag. That would mean the Ember Island Players could get their hands on it and butcher it. Better if it never exists to risk that tragedy."

"Okay but, _seriously_ , how is there not a play about Lady Tienhai?!"

"Yangchen really did suck at politics."

"Siniq is so _cool_! I bet Mai and Ty Lee would love her."

"Okay, I get it! You're in love with Akari. Get back to the baby dragons!"

"Icebending? What! That's so cool. Why is Huizhong so cool?! --- I hope Toph will enjoy hearing about her earthbending. I don't know if anything I did will be interesting enough payment for her help. --- Hey! Toasty that hurt!"

" _Spirits_ that sounds like a terrifying fight! Yangchen was lucky Tarkik was such a good healer!"

"Agni, those nobles sure were annoying. Akari doesn't want to marry anyone!"

" _Two years_?! How am I supposed to get home any time soon if it took the _Avatar_ two years to get to the spirit gateway? Why are you looking at me like that, Glimmer? Of course my next step should be looking for the Avatar in the spirit world- Ouch! What was that for?"

"Wait- How did Siniq get pregnant if- Where is Blaze going? --- Why are you giving me a book about sex? I know how sex works- Almaz! --- Jeez, all you had to say was Huizhong was a woman with a different kind of reproductive system. Hey, don't give me that look!"

"I wonder if Professor Zei has researched the Fifth Nation. Are they even still around?"

"You know, if Huizhong was a firebender, I bet Azula would love her. Agni, why did I have to name myself after _her_ of all of Yangchen's companions? No, yeah, you're right Indranil. I'd never live up to any of them- Ouch! Stop hitting me with dirt! I was _agreeing_ with you! Stop-!"

"Akari may be my ancestor, but I think Tarkik might be my favorite. You guys cannot repeat that to _anyone_. He just sounds really nice and-- Shut up!"

"I wonder why Akari and Yangchen never tried to find this place. I mean, sure, you guys don't have like, anything, about these ancient civilizations, but it would have made sense for them to try! Do you think Wan Shi Tong would tell me more about my egg?"

"I- I forgot where this was all headed. I think I need a break before I finish..."

"How could anyone ever believe Yangchen betrayed Akari? She- She loved her so much. Huizhong too. Spirits, am I disrespecting their memory by using Huizhong's name? Get off, I'm _not_ crying!"

"Bending _heat_? So they were just like the sandbenders, with the same bending style suited for different elements. That's so cool! Wait. Does that mean? Did I _rediscover_ an ancient bending form by accident?!"

"Is it treason to agree with a Water Tribe kid that Fire Lord Haruo kinda sucked? You're right, they're Siniq and Huizhong's child, they have double nobility, so they have the standing to say so."

"Toasty, were you the one Tarkik contacted? And you've been guarding this since then? You thought- You gave it to _me_? I- Thank you- Get off! I'm _not crying_!"

_... Tarkik's joy was blinding as Indra kissed him under the Spirit Lights._

  
_Disturbed Spirits_

_Humanity struggles to comprehend spirits. They exist outside our understanding of morality and it is easy for us to paint them as good or evil. This is where many fail to understand dark spirits. They attack humans without mercy, thrive off our anguish and heartache. If a human were to behave as dark spirits do, they would undoubtedly be evil._

_But to be evil, one must have the capacity for good. A cruel dictator can genuinely love their children. A benevolent healer can mercilessly kill their enemies. What marks us as human is our propensity to contradictions. No one trait can define any human being._

_The same cannot be said of spirits, especially so lesser spirits. A guardian spirit exists to protect. A forest spirit exists to nurture its home. A spirit of paths exists to guide or hinder travelers at its whims, with no motivation other than that is what it does. The same logic applies to dark spirits. They foster humanity's negative emotions and traits. They do not do it to spite us or out of resentment toward us, but simply because it is what they exist to do._

_A dark spirit is no more evil than a dolphin piranha attacking a child that strays too far from shore._

_It is a common misconception to mistake a corrupted spirit for a dark one, and to attribute their attacks against humanity to wickedness. People fail to realize a corrupted spirit attacks not because of their inherent immorality, but because their reason for existence has been threatened._

_A corrupted spirit is no more evil than spider wasp protecting its hive._

_Siniq and Tarkik understood it best, sometimes better than I did. It was thanks to their insight that we came to a disconcerting realization. For every corrupted spirit I pacified by compromising with those that threatened it, there were two more dark spirits I had to defeat. With each passing year, the number of dark spirits stirring trouble during peaceful times increased. Worst yet, they behaved as corrupted spirits often did._

_We could only come to one conclusion. In blocking off the northern spirit gateway, I threatened the dark spirits' existence. Entering the mortal world in times of peace is difficult enough with the option of coming through the gateways, but with one of their easiest routes blocked off... The corrupted dark spirits were retaliating and would only continue to do so unless I could find a way to compromise with them, or instead banished every last one back to the spirit world, condemning them to eternal corruption._

_How I could come to a satisfying agreement with creatures that thrived off the suffering of humanity was our pressing question as we prepared for my expedition into the spirit forest of the South Pole._

The rush of wind accompanied by flapping wings roused Zuko from his nap. He scrambled upright, disrupting the pile of animals using him as a bed. Countless scrolls, books, and loose paper were strewn across the ground. When had Blaze and Glimmer decided he set up camp in the Air Nomad section of the library? His brain felt fuzzy. Finishing Yangchen's memoirs left him in a daze, and the Seekers started bringing him theater scripts to cheer him up.

How many days ago had that been?

"Human child prince," Wan Shi Tong's echoing voice pulled Zuko out of his scrambled thoughts.

Right, he definitely made a complete mess of an ancient knowledge spirit's library with the help of its assistant spirits.

"Yes! Most honorable Wan Shi Tong, spirit, sir!" Zuko jumped to his feet and bowed. "I apologize for the mess! I'll help Glimmer and Blaze clean it up. Your hospitality has been unparalleled and-"

Wan Shi Tong cut him off with a clack of its beak. "I will not hold you accountable for my Knowledge Seekers' carelessness. They should have returned the texts once they were finished."

The pointed look it gave the three spirits was met with panting, tongue lolling expressions of innocence. Wan Shi Tong shook its head, but did not further lecture the Seekers.

"They have requested I speak your language on their behalf. Your supplies are almost out, human child prince."

Zuko stared blankly at the towering spirit. He understood the words—there wasn't anything confusing about them—but he couldn't figure out why Wan Shi Tong was telling him this. Were his supplies really almost out? He hadn't noticed...

"I should have enough for a few more days," Zuko mumbled. A blast of air smacked him in the face as Almaz and Indranil started squeaking at him.

Wan Shi Tong clacked its beak. "Perhaps you do, human child prince. You will not, however, have enough to leave the desert safely. I care not for your well being, but my Knowledge Seekers are _fond_ of you. Thus, it is time for your departure."

"What?! You're kicking me out?"

"You are welcome to stay," Wan Shi Tong said. "As I said, I care not for your well being. It matters not to me if you perish within my walls."

Oh, well. When put that way... Zuko should be heading back to Uncle, anyways. Oh Agni, how _long_ had he been here? The days blended together, and he lost track after the third day buried in Avatar texts. How long had Zuko wasted reading theater scrolls? He should have been looking for more mentions of dual-bending societies or about locations with high spirit activity or-

"Can I come back?"

Toasty yipped by his feet. Wan Shi Tong ruffled its feathers. "I would not deny your reentry as a favor to my Knowledge Seekers. However, my library will not remain where you discovered it. The Si Wong protects my collection and will shift the sands around us once you leave. I can make no promises you will find it again."

As much as Zuko _wanted_ to come back, he couldn't waste any more time on the Spirit Library. He found what he needed. It was time to resume his search for the Avatar with the knowledge he gained from this first and only visit.

His chest constricted as he realized he didn't _want_ to leave. He had always been a studious child, but out of necessity rather than curiosity. There were times he was interested about certain topics, but they never lined up with what his tutors wanted him to focus on. Researching at his leisure and following any passing interest that popped up as he read had been _fun_.

For a moment, Zuko wished he was Huizhong, the colony boy whose only passion was knowledge. Life would be so much _simpler_. He could stay in the Spirit Library, read more about the Fifth Nation or about Siniq and Huizhong's child or about dragons or about spirits. The boy Huizhong wouldn't be abandoning anything to stay and exhaust his curiosity.

The colony boy Huizhong wouldn't be part of Yangchen's story.

Instead of the simplicity of the colony boy's life, Zuko was burdened with endless duties: to Father to regain his honor, to Uncle for accompanying him in his banishment, to his nation to return home, to Yangchen and Akari to fulfill Akari's destiny, to Huizhong for using her name, perhaps even to Siniq and Tarkik for ensuring he learned the truth of Akari's legacy. Zuko knew the sacrifice of a simple life was _worth_ it. He wasn't worthy of half the responsibilities to his name, but he would not stop striving to be honorable enough for them.

There was one last thing he hoped to learn before his departure.

"Um, Wan Shi Tong, sir? Can I ask you something?"

"You just did, but proceed."

Zuko shoved aside the part of his brain that started screaming how an ancient spirit just said something as pedantic as Uncle would, and bowed.

"Well, you see, I can only assume the only thing written about the lóng is in Avatar Yangchen's book that Toasty brought me. But, you knew what my egg was when you first saw it, right? Could you- Would you tell me more about lóng or the fire and air people that lived with them? Do you know what I can do to help my egg hatch?"

Wan Shi Tong shuffled back. It craned its neck down to Toasty's level and cocked its head. "You gave this human Avatar Yangchen's memoirs?" When Toasty yipped at it in response, Wan Shi Tong nodded and stood at its full height. "I see. Very well. I will answer your questions, human child prince.

"Just as the giant flying jerboa existed with the sandbenders, so did the lóng exist with their heatbenders. Humans caused carnage as they _always_ do. For selfish and small-minded reasons, the lóng, giant flying jerboa, and many other powerful, ancient creatures and their human companions were annihilated by fellow humans' hands.

"You possess the last chance for the lóng to return. I will admit my own hubris, for you were correct, human child prince. The lóng will not hatch if I were to take it from you. However, it might not hatch in your hands either. Until it feels welcomed by the mortal world, it will continue to slumber. Care for it, warm it, but until there is balance in the world again and freedom has returned, the lóng will stay protected within its shell."

Of all the- Zuko rubbed the side of his face with a groan. Balance? Freedom? A creature choosing to not hatch until it felt welcomed?

"What does that even _mean_?"

Wan Shi Tong clacked its beak. "I conceded to answering your questions, human child prince. I made no promise you would understand them."

There was _amusement_ in the spirit's voice. Was it _laughing_ at him? Seriously?

"The winds will be favorable for your departure in the morning. Rest, human child prince."

As Wan Shi Tong took flight, Zuko turned to his menagerie of companions. Three fox-like spirits and a horde of flying jerboa stared up at him. Their company had been just as enjoyable as the texts Zuko read through. A painful lump formed in his throat, but he pushed it back. Having them around was enjoyable, but Agni if they weren't annoying when they thought he was about to cry.

"Thank you for all your help," Zuko said, bowing to them. "I wish I could stay longer, but you're right. I should be getting back to my uncle."

He glanced at the mess surrounding them. Despite what Wan Shi Tong said, he should still offer to clean up. Spirits, he probably hadn't even fully read most of the books Glimmer and Blaze grabbed for him. There were so many references they pulled for him as he read about Yangchen's friends and her memoir, then even more theater scrolls they showered on him.

Zuko carefully picked up Yangchen's memoir and crouched in front of Toasty. "Thank you again for trusting me with this. It must be important to you, since Tarkik personally entrusted it to you. I learned so much and- Well, thank you. I could reread it a thousand times over and never tire of it."

Toasty grinned its wide-mouthed, toothy smile and touched its nose to the book's cover. Its glowing eyes flashed a blinding blue. Once Zuko's vision cleared, Yangchen's memoir was still in his hands. It was also on the floor beside Toasty.

"You- What!" Zuko compared the books and shook his head in giddy disbelief. "You can make copies of things? Can you do that for _anything_?"

All three Knowledge Seekers yipped in response and Zuko's cheeks hurt, he smiled so wide.

And so that was how, the following morning, Zuko found himself with an obscene amount of books and scrolls to haul up with him back to the desert. He stared at the dangling rope he jumped from to enter the library. It hadn't seemed so high up when getting _down_.

Wind swirled around Zuko, lifting him to his toes. He shouted and leaped away. The flying jerboa squeaked at him as they circled him and his packs. With the power of several smaller flying jerboa, the books lifted off the ground.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing? I have to go-"

Almaz flew into his face and chattered shrilly at him. Air pushed Zuko's arms upward, toward the rope dangling above.

"Oh. Are you helping me?"

Nomin and Khuv bounced in the air by his sides, then took off to the window with his bags. Several more flying jerboa lifted the remaining stacks of texts and headed up. None of them flew back down.

"Do you... Want to come with me?"

Almaz twirled, squeaking in delight.

Zuko felt the warm press of his egg against his back. It might not be ready to return to the world, but the flying jerboa were. He pulled the heat down from the sunbeam shining through the wind, offering lighter air for Almaz to work with.

"Let's go home, then."

_Preparations_

_None of us are free from doubts and hypotheticals._

_What if Nukilik was a little older? What if Tarkik and Indra had not recently married? What if we left for the South Pole earlier, or had waited a few months? What if Siniq or Tarkik had come instead of Akari? What if I had gone alone?_

_Would Huizhong and Akari have changed_ anything _if they knew what was to come when we found the spirit gateway?_

_Our reasoning for the expedition made_ sense _._

_It seemed prudent we wait no longer after a dark spirit attack nearly wiped out an entire tribe in the South Pole. While we had no answer of how to compromise with corrupted dark spirits, it was better to try, and then close off the gateway if I couldn't reason with them._

_Akari and I were resolved to go on our own. We did not want to disrupt our friends' lives. Theoretically, the southern spirit forest should have been safer than the northern one since the spirits were not trapped inside. It was silly to pull Tarkik away from his husband or to separate Siniq or Huizhong from Nukilik._

_Our friends did not see it in such a way. They insisted Akari and I should not be going alone. Tarkik declared his addition to the expedition. No matter how recent the marriage, leaving a spouse for an unknown length of time was more acceptable than a mother leaving her child. While Siniq and Huizhong agreed with such rationale, they did not concede to Tarkik joining me and Akari._

_Neither of them wanted to be apart from Nukilik for two years, possibly longer. But they had been the only ones to accompany me in the northern spirit forest. They asserted that one of them should join the southern expedition. Theoretically safer or not, they did not want me to take that risk._

_I wish I had found some way to dissuade them._

_I wish my actions had not led to the corruption of the dark spirits._

_What if, what if, what if._

_Siniq and Tarkik have asked just as many 'what if's as I have._

_We cannot change the past. We cannot dwell on what could have been. We must look forward and be thankful for what we have._

_I do not want to write of our expedition at the South Pole, but I know I must. I need to face it and_ let go _._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :innocent angel emoji:
> 
> Did you think Yangchen's entries would end for yall just because Zuko's got his hands on them? It's only fair we flip the script at least for the last chapter and now he knows things you dont~ <33
> 
> and it's the LAST CHAPTER NEXT??? Holy balls this part has been a mammoth ride and I'm excited to bring it to a close and take yall with me on Zuko's next leg of his journey, bc it sure as heck ain't close to done
> 
> Ch8 will be up in two weeks, but in the meantime there's an [ATLA Femslash Week](https://winter-atla-femslash.tumblr.com/) event starting Feb 1 and I have 5/7 prompts finished yeehaw! And guess what. It's all Yangchen/Akari so if you're subscribed to the LTF series don't be surprised when there's a sudden notif of a new work on Monday <3
> 
> Thanks everyone!! Feel free to hmu @[fanboyzuko](http://fanboyzuko.tumblr.com) on tumblr ~!


	8. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of retcon before we start, in Iroh's letter to Zuko back in Ch3, he says Sha-Mo would bring Zuko to the Misty Palms... That was changed somewhere along the line, but not in the published version lol. (has now since been edited) Iroh has every reason to believe Zuko's coming back to Gaoling before the winter solstice!
> 
> and now... ahhh im a little emotional this part has come to an end! We're no where NEAR the end of the series, but this part is SO monumental to everything going forward and I /adore/ my yanggang and Sarnai so much! Sad to say bye to all of them for now ;;;
> 
> but there's so many more fun things coming up! Hope everyone enjoys the conclusion to Sands of Time!

_ Loss _

_It was supposed to be safer than the northern spirit forest. It shouldn't have ended the way it did._

_How could we have predicted the actions of forces outside our awareness?_

_I still do not have all the answers as to_ why _or_ how _._

_This past year I've tried to find order to the chaos, to find reason for Huizhong and Akari's sacrifice. It has left me with more questions than answers._

_It makes sense, now, that there would be those that revere dark spirits. Humanity has always searched for purpose and recognition from the spirits. We give offerings and pray to spirits great and small of all kinds. Why wouldn't there be those to consecrate dark spirits in the same way?_

_But how did they find us? How did they overpower two master benders? Even taking the total eclipse into account, I cannot reconcile with the fact they defeated Huizhong in the eight minutes Akari was without her fire._

_And yet it happened._

_Huizhong was the image of strength for most of my life. I may have mastered earthbending, but I will never wield it the way Huizhong could. She was formidable, resilient, untouchable._

_What occured while I was in the spirit world, trying to reason with spirits whose very existence depend on chaos? I will never know. No matter how many worshipers of dark spirits I track down, none will give me the answers I seek._

_It has been a year and the pain is still so_ raw _._

_How could Agni abandon his child when she needed him most?_

_Akari was favored by the Fire Nation's patron spirit. She had to be, given her brilliance, her affinity with Agni's original firebenders, her connections to the spirits through her dreams. Agni's blessings should have been eternal._

_Perhaps it was the great spirit of chaos itself that ripped Akari from Agni's reach. Why else would we have found the spirit gateway when we had? Just in time for a total eclipse at the South Pole? That, I will never know either._

_I didn't even have the chance to try to save two of the most important people in my life. In the spirit world, I had no indication of what was happening at its doorstep. Only the agonizing pain of my soul tearing in two pulled me back to the physical world._

_When we were children, Akari gave me part of her inner flame to spare me from death. What sort of cruelty exists in this world that I continue to live after her death ripped her essence from the home it had made in my soul? There is a gaping wound in my spirit with no way to heal it. Tarkik can heal the body, the mind, but he cannot reach my inner flame._

_I can feel the aching chasm in my heart._

_Moving on feels impossible, but I know it's not. Akari and Huizhong are gone, but not forgotten. They live on in our hearts, our memories, in their legacies._

_I cannot cling to my grief. My pain will not fade, and I will not heal from the injury to my spirit, but I cannot let it consume me. Akari and Huizhong are gone and I will never stop mourning them, but I can let go. I can let go of the hypotheticals. I can stop wishing for things to be different and accept them for what they are._

_I still have a family in Siniq, Tarkik, Indra, and Nukilik._

_I hope I still have a family in the Fire Nation._

_I have lost, but I will let that loss go._

Dear Hui,

I have some good news and bad news.

First bit of good news: You're reading this letter, which means you're not dead! It also means you're capable of following basic instructions and managed to follow the compass back to this trading post.

Second bit of good news: Dad doesn't know you're a you-know-what. Ghashiun and I were able to cover for your flight in the desert.

Which leads us to the bad news #1: Dad doesn't know you're a you-know-what, but does think you're of a different... _persuasion_. He thinks it was a literal flight into the desert if you catch my drift.

So uh, oops?

It's fine, he's not going to tell anyone, of course. But, he did assume your uncle knows.

Thus, bad news #2: Dad wrote your uncle A) implying you're a breezy kid and B) that you ran off on your own and we have no idea where you are.

I'm sure you get where I'm going with this, but I'll spell it out for you anyways.

Bad news #3: Your uncle is going to be _pissed_ when you meet up with him. If you're lucky, you've miraculously returned to meet his deadline.

Hope the library was everything you hoped it to be. I'm going to miss your grumpy face and our late night chats. You're welcome to visit whenever your travels bring you back to the Si Wong.

Bearer of Good and Bad News,

Sarnai

P.s. But in all seriousness, I'm really glad you're not dead. You can leave a reply with the sand sailer, we'll come pick it up at the post!'

_Afterword from Siniq of the Northern Water Tribe _

_Yangchen put her accounts in chronological order, wrote her introduction, and gave everything to Tarkik. He did not want to intrude on her privacy and set all this aside. I have no such reservations. If Yangchen is fine with the idea of some unknown future Avatar or some distant descendants reading this, then she will have no issue with me or Nukilik remembering our loved ones through her gaze._

_For someone head over heels in love with Akari her whole life, Yangchen sure did wax plenty of poetics about my wife. Then again, I could wax as many poetics about her wife. Not as beautifully written as Yangchen's, of course, but it's the thought that counts._

_Losing Akari and Huizhong has been hard on all of us, but Yangchen most of all. We are all grieving, but she's felt spirits' forsaken guilty for her grief. Huizhong would have many choice words about that. I couldn't possibly measure up to their philosophical debates, but I know enough that Yangchen's guilt stems from the Air Nomad philosophy of freeing themselves of their negative emotions. The fact that her soul is literally fractured due to Akari's passing hasn't done her any favors._

_I started reading without a single intention of adding to Yangchen's story. The thought hadn't occurred to me._

_But she ended this without properly explaining what has happened since the South Pole. I think it's important that whoever reads this in the future has the whole story. Nukilik will have the benefit of me and Tarkik to clarify points, but the same cannot be said for anyone else._

_Hopefully Prince Haruo will get his head out of his ass and stop blaming Yangchen for Akari's death. He knows what his sister was like! There was nothing any of us could have done to keep her from accompanying Yangchen, and there was no way any of us could have predicted a solar eclipse would pass over the South Pole during a pivotal fight. It's not Yangchen's fault, and she should be able to find comfort with the kids. They love Yangchen as much as they do Akari! Haruo is so selfish to force them to lose both of them at once._

_If he doesn't turn around, well, there's still a chance Chaeryu or Ryoko will get a hold of this collection. If not them, maybe_ their _children. Akari may not have had children of her womb, but her beloved niece and nephew are of her blood and her heart._

_So if you are one of them, or perhaps one of Nukilik's children or grandchildren, I am writing this for you._

_For a future Avatar too, I suppose. But you all have that past life trick, so you can just talk to Yangchen yourself._

_Tui and La, how did Yangchen manage to organize all her thoughts and record practically every interaction she ever had with Akari and Huizhong? It's so easy to ramble on and get sidetracked._

_Alright, this is the reason I feel the need to write: Akari's spirit dreams._

_They were a constant factor of her life. They didn't always relate to her mystical lost civilization, but the vast majority were about those fire and air people. Yangchen mentions it time and time again in her writings. She talks about how she and Akari never found solid proof of this ancient society._

_And yet she failed to include that they did find it!_

_I get it, she was writing everything for herself. But she added a letter at the beginning to anyone reading. The least she could have done was add a final segment about continuing Akari's legacy._

_Yangchen spent several months tracking down that dark spirit cult, but eventually hit a dead end. Without the direction her quest gave her, there was nothing distracting her from her grief and the gaping wound in her soul. (Seriously, we didn't know how literal her pain was for months!) She went just a tad berserk. By a tad I mean she nearly demolished the mountain range on the Western Air Island._

_I don't blame her. I definitely destroyed quite a few things while processing my grief. If I could bend all the elements, I would say fuck it to a couple of mountains too._

_The guilt of it would have crushed her, though, so I'm glad her destruction woke the spirit slumbering in the hidden ruins of the fire and air civilization. It wasn't the first time she disturbed this spirit. Remember that first entry Yangchen wrote about that freak earthquake when she first met Akari?_

_Well, it wasn't so freak. Yangchen did not explain the full story to us, but I will impart what I understand. A type of dragon called a lóng once existed. Lóng bent fire and air. People lived alongside the lóng, and while they couldn't bend two elements, airbenders and firebenders lived harmoniously, bending heat._

_Something happened to these people. Some great calamity or enemy brought an end to their society and the lóng as well. Yangchen was sparse on the details about this. The spirit of a lóng has slumbered in the Western Air Island mountains for millennia. When Akari and Yangchen were children, they roused it._

_It pulled young Yangchen into the spirit world and began to attack her. This was why Yangchen seemingly lost consciousness in their fall during the earthquake. Yangchen was unable to defend herself and the lóng grievously injured her. Injured her spirit._

_Past Avatar came to Yangchen's defense and calmed the lóng. If not for Akari relinquishing part of her soul to heal Yangchen's, she would not have survived._

_The lóng let Yangchen go with her promise to guide Akari back to it one day. The spirits may have led Akari to the lóng, but she was too young for it to entrust her with what it harbored in the ruins of its home._

_Yangchen's past lives feared she was also too young. They worried the knowledge of being the Avatar as well as having a responsibility to a spirit would be too much for her to deal with. Thus, they withheld the events in the spirit world from Yangchen's memory. She remembered nothing when she came to._

_When Yangchen returned to the mountains and woke the lóng once more, so did her memories return._

_The lóng mourned that Akari did not return to it, but thankfully did not blame Yangchen. Spirits are confusing things and are truly impossible to predict. It did not hold Akari's death against Yangchen, and entrusted her with what should have been Akari's._

_For millennia, the lóng waited, tethered to the physical world to protect the last of its kind. A single egg survived the calamity that destroyed the lóng's home. Dragons are more spirit than creature, and a baby lóng still lives to hatch one day. Whether it is because Yangchen is the Avatar, or because she did something else to gain the lóng's trust, either way it entrusted the egg to her so it could finally leave the physical world._

_Yangchen has secured the egg in the Western Air Temple where it will continue to rest until someone feel the spirits' call as Akari had. While Yangchen is reluctant to claim only Akari's descendants would answer the lóng's call, I believe this legacy will find its way to Akari's family again._

_If you are one of her descendants reading right now, get your ass over to the Western Air Temple and see if you can't bring your however great aunt's dreams to fruition. You have no idea how much she rambled on about these fire and air people and dragons._

_If you are one of those descendants and you already have that dragon, I'm proud of you. Akari would be proud of you too. And I hope you've found meaning in this strange creature you've discovered by reading about my friends._

_So to Nukilik, Chaeryu or Ryoko if you end up reading this, to any of Akari's however great nieces or nephews or my and Huizhong's however great grandchildren that may be reading: I love you. Huizhong loves you. Tarkik loves you. Yangchen loves you. Akari loves you. We may be generations apart, we may be forgotten, but never forget you are loved._

One would think that the ability to detect lies would make someone more trusting of the truths they heard. The problem with sensing truth from lie meant Toph learned at an early age that people were fallible. Truths could mix with lies, making it difficult to discern where deception began and ended. People could lie to themselves or be misinformed and thus believe falsities as reality. Someone could say something and believe they mean it, but end up changing their mind.

Toph learned to distrust any promises, regardless the certainty the speaker felt while giving their word. It had not been a lie when Mom promised Toph could leave the estate when she turned eight, but the reality was Mom's fears got the worst of her and she took back her promise. It was never a lie when Dad promised Toph could have more freedoms as she got older, but those freedoms were so small they hardly changed anything. Her parents never lied when they said they loved her and wanted to protect her, but weren't they _hurting_ her by keeping her locked away from the rest of the world?

When Toph made her deal with Pretty Boy to connect him with the sandbenders, she did so with the expectation he would not hold up his end of the arrangement. Oh, he definitely wasn't going to blab about the Blind Bandit's identity and, really, that was the real bargain. Toph tacked on the condition of him coming back to make the deal sound less like Toph was soft. There was no way Toph would let Pretty Boy realize how much she had appreciated his company, no matter how short-lived.

Pretty Boy was genuine when he agreed to her terms, but he would have time to dwell on it as he searched for his library. He would realize his only obligation to return was his word. Once they parted ways, Toph had fulfilled everything on her side of their deal. He wouldn't lose anything by forgetting about her and carrying on with his life. Why should he go out of his way to entertain some girl he met for all of three days?

And yet.

And _yet_.

"What are you _doing_ here?" Toph asked, not believing what her feet were telling her.

Shockingly, Pretty Boy didn't startle at her arrival. He leisurely stood from the rock he was sitting on and turned to face her. Had he noticed her coming? Interesting. Maybe he picked up some better observation skills while running around the desert. Which still begged the question, _what was he doing here_?

"Um- I figured you wouldn't want me going to your house? Since your parents don't know about the Blind Bandit thing. So they probably wouldn't have appreciated some random kid showing up to talk to their secret daughter?" He shifted his weight between his feet and his heart fluttered anxiously. "Should I have tried finding you at the Rumble arena? I figured here was the best place to wait for you, since it's more private and-"

Toph raised her hand to cut him off. He closed his jaw with an audible clack. Heh, what a nervous doofus. "No, you made the right call coming here. My question is what are you doing _back_? Did you want something else from me?"

Interesting. Pretty Boy's heart rate didn't spike with her accusation. He took a step forward, then back. "I-? Um, no? Part of our agreement of you helping me was that I'd come back and tell you about the desert. Did you forget?"

For all his fidgeting and nervous energy, Pretty Boy was deadly serious. He was _confused_ why Toph was confused. Had it never crossed his mind that he didn't have to uphold that end of their deal? Spirits, he was the biggest idiot Toph had ever met! He recoiled as Toph let out a bark of laughter.

The only thing she could do was _laugh_. This was surreal in its absurdity!

(She didn't want to think about how her heart swelled and felt too big for her chest. Pretty Boy hadn't lied to her; had kept his promise. She didn't want to think about the numb chill that pricked at her fingertips. If some stranger could keep his promises to her, why couldn't her parents?)

"Well shit, you're a better guy than I realized, Pretty Boy."

"Pret- Come on, you're still calling me that? I have a name!"

Toph grinned from under her bangs. From the way Pretty Boy's heartbeat skipped, her Blind Bandit grin practice was paying off. "Maybe I'd call you by your name if you actually told me it."

"What? I've told you multiple times! My name is Hui-"

"No it's not," Toph cut in. His heart went skyrocketing at that. She laughed and dropped herself to the ground, legs splayed and leaning back on her hands. "Don't get your panties in a bunch, Pretty Boy. I don't care what your name is, but the price is I call you whatever I damn well please."

"I can only imagine what your parents would have to say about the vocabulary you're picking up from the Rumble arena."

"Tch, well they're never going to find out, now are they, Pretty Boy?"

Pretty Boy sat on the rock again with a soft laugh. He reached down to reassure himself his bag was still beside him where he left it. Toph felt the slow, faint pulse of his egg. It _still_ hadn't hatched? If it weren't for the tiny heartbeat she felt, Toph would think it would never hatch.

The egg bag wasn't the only thing with Pretty Boy, Toph realized as she relaxed her focus from him. There was a heavy collection of things at the edge of the clearing. Jeez, had he come running to wait for her as soon as he returned to town? Honestly, the biggest idiot.

Toph cocked her head and grinned up at him. "Well, you owe me a story. Get to it!"

What a story it was.

Pretty Boy wasn't very good at talking about himself. He was self conscious explaining his own adventure and kept getting sidetracked by stories of Avatar Yangchen and her friends. Toph didn't care much about these people from centuries ago. Sure, the Huizhong lady sounded strong, but Pretty Boy couldn't describe her earthbending moves at all! When Toph made him talk about his time with the Xitao Tribe, Pretty Boy got lost in his uncertainty and talked himself in circles.

Despite it all, Toph hung off every word. She could feel the strength of the desert winds against her face, the oppressive midday heat on her limbs, the softness of dog goat fur between her fingers. She could hear the rush of swirling sand and wind, Sarnai's endless chatter, the peaceful quiet of the desert's nights. As Pretty Boy described his encounter with a sand shark, Toph realized why his tale was so compelling despite his jumbled words.

"The sound of a sand dune _that_ big tumbling down is really overwhelming. And spirits! It was so big, I felt the vibrations it made in the sand underneath us! Its teeth were at _least_ the size of that rock with the square top over there. Sarnai later told me it was just a _baby_ , but it still could have easily swallowed us whole."

Whenever someone told her a story, they tried too hard to describe what she would never see. It was boring. Toph would never understand what red looked like or how something could look soft. Pretty Boy didn't try to explain things he saw. Not once. He kept describing things in ways Toph understood; through touch, sound, the _feeling_ he got as he saw something new.

This kid was weird.

Toph never wanted him to go.

But he was living a life Toph could only imagine. She knew he couldn't—wouldn't—stick around. Pretty Boy was someone that would see the world, and he wasn't finished just yet. His uncle cared about him, but didn't stop him from _living_. Sure, Pretty Boy might be in trouble for ditching the man, but Toph knew his adventures wouldn't come to an end. Next time, his uncle would just tag along.

"You're lucky, Pretty Boy," Toph sighed as he trailed off with his return to Gaoling, and the end of his story. "I'd kill to get out of this place and run amuck like you."

Like the idiot he was, Pretty Boy faltered, then hesitantly offered, "I could uh- Help you run away? It'd be tricky, but I could probably convince Uncle to let you join us- Um- I mean-"

Toph cackled and chucked a pebble at his face. He barely dodged it and it landed in the grass behind him. "I don't even know your real name, you creep! But, you really mean it and mean well, too? You're so weird."

She sighed and tilted her head back to hang behind her. "I won't lie to you. It's tempting. But. I couldn't just run off on my parents like that. They're frustrating and stifling and drive me crazy, but they're my parents, y'know? I still love them."

It was Pretty Boy's turn to sigh. He reached down to stroke his egg; the contact calmed him. "Yeah, I get it. I could write to you- Oh spirits, forget I said that! How about I come visit next time I'm in this part of the world? I'll try to have at least _two_ near-death experiences to tell you about!"

Somehow, he felt like he _meant_ it. Toph sat up and focused all her senses on him. "Seriously?"

"I don't know how long it would be, but promise I'll be back the second I'm anywhere close to Gaoling!"

His heart was steady. He didn't fidget or turn away from her. Pretty Boy believed every word he said, and for once, Toph wanted to believe them too.

"Alright, deal."

From the mood around them, Toph figured Pretty Boy was smiling like an idiot at her. She was going to trust this weirdo to keep his promise. But, just in case, a contingency plan wouldn't hurt.

"If you take longer than three years, I'm going to tell everyone you're a firebender. I mean- I'm figuring it's a secret from how Ghashiun reacted, but you also just told me straight up. Though, I'm betting that's because you're an idiot."

"I- You-" Pretty Boy groaned and smacked his palm over his face. "Yes, it's a secret! You can't tell anyone. I shouldn't have told you!"

Grinning like a madman, Toph chucked another pebble at him. "Well, lucky for you, I have no one to tell. When you come back, do me a favor and give me something else juicy to blackmail you with."

Because Pretty Boy _would_ be back. Toph was counting on it.

_Aunt Yangchen is dead. The world was shocked when she 'passed peacefully' in her sleep, but we knew it was coming for a long time. For as long as I can remember, Aunt Yangchen has been persevering through her fractured spirit. I think she wanted to honor Aunt Akari and Mom by living a real long time. But, Uncle Tarkik could only do so much to heal a wound that water cannot touch._

_Death was always in the near future for Aunt Yangchen. We were all prepared for the day her spirit retired from this world. It didn't lessen the pain, but it's helped in processing it. Aama passed this book to me not long after the remembrance ceremony the Air Nomads hosted for the four nations._

_I think Aama forgot about the additions she made to Aunt Yangchen's book. Then again, this is Aama so I suppose she would condemn Chaeryu for being a massive asshole while still upholding her declaration of love for him._

_Honestly though! I was so excited to finally have a chance to meet Aunt Akari's family! Fire Lord Haruo holds a hell of a grudge and has refused every entreaty from Aama and Uncle Tarkik to meet for a social gathering. I thought that by attending Aunt Yangchen's remembrance ceremony, he was coming around, but nah. He only went because he was expected to as the Fire Lord. He must have convinced Chaeryu any fond memories he had of Aunt Yangchen were false, because he was such a prick! Ryoko at least seemed sad, but she refused to talk to me with her brother and father watching her every move._

_So, that's why I'm adding to Aama's afterword, because I don't think any of Aunt Akari's family is going to be reading Aunt Yangchen's memoirs any time soon. With Fire Lord Asshole's stubborn bitterness, I wouldn't be surprised if he taints Aunt Yangchen's memory for generations to come and they won't even know why!_

_I think the spirits want Aunt Akari's legacy to be fulfilled. I don't know how long it will take, but I know one day one of her super great nieces or nephews will read this book. And maybe you'll be a bit confused about how you've been told your whole life that Aunt Yangchen sucks._

_I just want you to know it's Haruo that sucks and Aunt Yangchen is even more amazing than she gave herself credit for!_

_Aama is super sappy, but it made me really happy to read about how much everyone loves me. So I'm going to say the same thing. I'm way too young for kids now, I haven't even kissed anyone (yuk!), but I'm going to be chief of the Northern Water Tribe some day. So, I know I will have kids. And I know I'm going to love them as much as my family loves me. And I love you too, however great niece or nephew of Aunt Akari. Even if your great-whatever grandfather Haruo is a dick._

_-Nukilik_

A soft knock at the door disrupted sweet Reshmi's recounting of an impolite customer from the day prior. Iroh paused in his tea preparation, but Reshmi waved him off with a soft smile as she got up. She had ordered breakfast to be sent to them, so it was likely the innkeeper's daughter dropping off their food.

"Oh my," she gasped as she slid the door open.

Iroh looked up as a young, raspy voice spluttered, "Oh- Apologies! I got the wrong room-"

Somehow, against all reason and logic, it was Zuko who stood on the other side of the door. Had he grown since Iroh last saw him? His pants appeared a bit too short. The light tan he gained from his days on the _Sazanami_ 's deck had darkened and now gave him a lively glow. His scar looked healthier, stood out less when Zuko wasn't so pale.

Zuko was here, healthy, _alive_.

"Nephew!" Iroh cried out, abandoning his tea to race across the room. He went in for a hug, but settled for lightly grasping his upper arms as Zuko shied away. Standing before him, Iroh knew Zuko had grown at _least_ a few centimeters. Was that muscle definition in his dear nephew's biceps? "You're back."

"I- Uh-" Zuko flushed bright red and fruitlessly tried to pull out of Iroh's hold. "Wasn't expecting you to have company. I can come back later-"

Reshmi laughed by Iroh's side. She already had her bag in hand. "Oh no, Sung has been _beside_ himself waiting for his wayward nephew. The whole town has heard of your vanishing stunt, boy. Don't think you can weasel out of a lecture on _my_ account."

Sweet, beautiful Reshmi pressed a kiss to Iroh's cheek, then squeezed past them out the door. "Do bring your little troublemaker for a pastry before you leave town, Sung. It's been fun."

Another time, Zuko mortification would have amused Iroh. Perhaps later, he would find the time to relish his nephew's typical teenage reaction, but not now. His relief that Zuko was unharmed gave way to his rising anger at the reminder as to _why_ he was so relieved to see his nephew in the first place.

"I am _furious_ with you. Sit down, I've almost finished making tea."

Breakfast did arrive soon, and Iroh made sure Zuko had a decent meal before they spoke. He looked heartier than expected, but his cheekbones were a little too sharp for Iroh's comfort. Only after they finished eating and Iroh had half a pot of tea in him, he sighed deeply.

"I am disappointed that my first lecture, written as it may have been, did not dissuade you from acting so recklessly. Again."

Zuko furrowed his brow. His mouth turned down in a frown he tried to conceal. "But- l didn't just leave a letter this time. Sarnai knew where I was going and told their father. What else should I have done?"

Agni help him. Iroh finished his tea and poured another cup. His nephew was a smart child, this was not a fault of his intelligence, only of his ignorance. It was the lack of some basic notions of which every child should be aware, and Iroh shouldered the blame for his part in allowing things to come to this. Ozai had done so much more than damage Zuko's face.

"You should not have run off into the desert on your _own_. It was incredibly dangerous. What if a sand shark attacked you? What if you got lost and ran out of supplies? What if the spirit you followed had _not_ been one of Wan Shi Tong's fabled Knowledge Seekers? Countless things could have gone wrong, Zuko, and _no one_ would have been able to help you."

His words still weren't getting through to the boy. Zuko could no longer hide the petulant jut of his lip as he crossed his arms across his chest.

"Well, none of those things happened! What was I supposed to do? Just let my only chance to find the library go because no one could come with me? There wasn't any _time_ , Uncle! I had to follow the Knowledge Seeker. And it was a Knowledge Seeker. It led me right to the library. I _found_ it, Uncle!"

Iroh was so tired. He could hear the unspoken plea in Zuko's words: ' _Aren't you proud of me?_ ' In his desperation to gain Iroh's approval, Zuko was blind to the fact he needn't go to such lengths for it. All Iroh wanted was for Zuko to be safe, to be happy. He couldn't force Zuko to understand, could only wait until his perseverance broke through to his boy.

"And I am pleased to hear of your success, Nephew," Iroh said, tried to hold his heart together as Zuko perked up in a brilliant smile. It would be gone in a moment. "You achieved something countless have attempted and failed to do. I do not want to diminish your accomplishments with my ire, but there are _consequences_ for your reckless actions, even if they bring about favorable results."

All fight left Zuko as he hung his head down, gaze glued to his cooling tea. Iroh had to be stern if he was ever going to make Zuko understand.

"It was irresponsible for a number of reasons to follow that spirit as you did. My deadline was approaching, but it would not have been your last chance to find the library. I _said_ I would return with you at a later date to resume your search. Your health aside, did consider the _means_ in which you traveled?

"I want a full explanation later, but you took a sand sailer after the spirit _by yourself_. From the letter Chief Sha-Mo sent me, he seems to be under the impression you're an airbender of all things! He has sworn his secrecy, but what of the traders you surely encountered to return to Gaoling? What did _they_ think of you appearing without a sandbender to guide your sand sailer?"

Zuko glanced up meekly. "I hadn't met any of them before, so I just said I was an earthbender. I think they believed me."

"Well, we are fortunate for that," Iroh sighed. "We can only hope discrepancies in your story will not travel further than the Si Wong. Which leads me to what I want to make clear to you, Zuko. You have lost my trust, and it will take some time to earn it back. As we continue our travels, you are not to go anywhere without supervision. If you are to continue your persona as Huizhong the scholar, you will not do so without my presence or explicit permission. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Uncle," Zuko said. He fidgeted with his shirt, then offered a wry smile. "At least I made it back by your deadline? Tomorrow is the winter solstice, isn't it?"

"Why do you think I set that deadline?" Iroh stared at his nephew and waited for realization to dawn upon him. It did not. The only thing Iroh could do was laugh. Oh spirits, Lu Ten never gave him half as much heartache as Zuko did. "Nephew, have you forgotten what day often coincides with the winter solstice? I wanted to spend my nephew's _fourteenth birthday_ with him."

Zuko's jaw dropped as he exclaimed, "I forgot my birthday's tomorrow!"

The path ahead would be rife with more heartache, but Iroh wouldn't trade his days with Zuko for anything in the world.

_A final postscript from Tarkik of the Northern Water Tribe _

_In my youth, I felt like this was Yangchen's story and refused to read something she wrote to help process her grief. In a way, that is what these accounts were. But I see now Yangchen was not processing her grief as much as she was basking in the love she felt throughout her life. This was never her story, or a story of Akari and Huizhong, but a story of our family. Yangchen loved us all so profoundly, so unconditionally._

_Her surviving family has added to this manifestation of love, and it only feels right I add one last entry before sending this collection away._

_Siniq and I have seen history made and history changed before our very eyes. Yangchen was our friend. She had flaws and made mistakes. They do not detract from her accomplishments, but illustrate she was just as human as we are. The world has forgotten Yangchen's humanity and only remembers her legacy as the Avatar._

_Kuruk struggled under the shadow of near reverence people hold for Yangchen. He grew up hearing exaggerated tales of her greatness. I cannot imagine the fear he felt upon realizing he would be the one to follow after her. His carefree attitude was a shield from any critical comparison of him and Yangchen._

_When Siniq and I realized his appearance of indulgence and self-destruction was in fact due to so much time spent dealing with spirits, we tried our best to help him. Yangchen would not have wanted him to suffer alone through the consequences of her mistakes. She had too much trust in humanity, always wanted to believe the best of the world as a whole._

_Too many of the deals she made with corrupted spirits were broken by the people she championed for. Kuruk was left to clean up the aftermath and it cost him his life._

_He was too young._

_I have lived through two Avatar cycles. I have seen how they shaped the world and how the world shaped them. Already, Kuruk's legacy has begun to paint him in a lackadaisical, irresponsible light. He was braver than the world at large will ever know, and he wanted it to remain so. Kuruk did not resent Yangchen for her mistakes and did not want to taint her memory with them. While, after reading these accounts, he came to understand she too had flaws, the image of her eminence he grew up with was too great to disregard._

_The world changes history even as we're living it. I fear what may happen to this book should it fall into the wrong hands after Siniq and I are gone. I know we can trust Nukilik, but will their grandchildren understand the importance of preserving this piece of history?_

_So I have read Yangchen's story, since it is my last chance to do so. I found a way to contact Wan Shi Tong's Knowledge Seekers, and they will take this to be safeguarded in the great Spirit Library._

_If you are reading my words now, I would like to believe it is destiny. Whether you are of Huizhong's blood or Akari's, let it be known the love of your family is unending (even if your maybe great-whatever grandfather Haruo was a dick)._

Off-key music and laughter filtered up from the _Sazanami_ 's deck as the welcome back and belated birthday party continued on without Zuko's presence. The warmth enveloping him had little to do with the alcohol Engineer Zhen had snuck him, nor with the calming heat of his egg. It burned gently in his chest, like his inner fire, but spread out through his limbs. He felt lighter, hopeful, even with recent setbacks and lack of progress.

Zuko shouldn't have been surprised to discover the _Sazanami_ 's crew had lost four members over his time in the Si Wong. After all, a good portion of the ship were attempted deserters or borderline traitors; of course they would take advantage of an extended shore leave to run from their responsibilities, from him.

As much as he'd learned in the library, he wasn't much closer to finding the Avatar. Instead, everything he learned threatened what he was taught growing up. The truth could disrupt the Fire Nation in inconceivable ways. He hadn't found out how to hatch his egg either!

Fourteen-years-old and going home was still a distant dream.

And yet, Zuko did not find himself drowning in despair. For the first time in a long while, he could weigh the _good_ of his life against the negative. He could not go home yet, but he had found a home with Sarnai and the Xitao Tribe. Some of his crew may have deserted, but that number was inconsequential compared to those who stayed. So many of those who remained actually _cared_ about him as a person, about his happiness, and about his mission. Zuko still could not believe how many of the crew took on odd jobs to help fund his amazing birthday present.

Maybe, he had a home away from home on the _Sazanami_ as well.

Even the arguable failure of the library mission could not detract from his cheer. Sure, he didn't have any _solid_ leads to find the Avatar, but he had a better idea of where to look. Perhaps learning about the Air Nomads put his whole world view into question, but it led him to the flying jerboa and Yangchen.

How could Zuko _not_ be hopeful with the flying jerboa waiting for Sarnai to discover them in the sand sailer? How could he feel anything other than _encouraged_ when fresh in his mind were the amazing lives and kind words of a family long past and forgotten? Yangchen, Akari, Tarkik, Huizhong, Siniq, and even Nukilik would believe in Zuko. He could feel their support (their _love_ ) generations later from their words preserved on paper.

Zuko was no longer the weak, freshly-healed thirteen-year-old that had found Yangchen's memorial to Akari. He also had an unhatched egg, also hadn't found the Avatar. But that boy still had much to learn. He had been afraid to hope.

That boy was no more. Hope was still a scary, tentative thing, but Zuko held tight to it. He was going to find the Avatar, bring freedom back to the world, and his egg was going to hatch.

It was his destiny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3/4/21 Edit: The stunning art now accompanying this chapter is by the ever so talented [6y9brows](https://6y9brows.tumblr.com)
> 
> ;w;/<333 our boy is learning to be positive!! 
> 
> part 7 ended up being femslash week lol if you haven't read it yet and love my lesbians + one perfect man, check it out bc its all yangchen/akari content <333
> 
> otherwise, I'll be back again in two weeks again for part 8: Dispersing Ripples ~~~
> 
> if you haven't figured out my system yet, I always reply to my comments right before/day before an update lmao. So if you wanna ask about any LTF stuff without a wait, hmu on tumblr @ [fanboyzuko](https://fanboyzuko.tumblr.com/) !! (you'll also get the occasional peek into things to come ;3)
> 
> see yall in two weeks!


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